Crazy Christmas!

The Holidays came and went and in all reality, the children handled it better then expected.  If you asked me two weeks ago how it would have panned out I would have predicted a much different outcome.

The last few years we have done Christmas eve at my fathers house.  I know, I am suppose to alternate Holidays with my husbands family but.....Christmas Eve with my dad is my thing.  My Babci (grandma in Polish) was the one who held the Christmas Eve festivities since the time of my birth.  Every year, always the same, Dec 24th I was in Jersey in a basement eating shrimp and pierogies sharing Oplatki and mispronouncing words in the Bible.  In 2007, about a month before I found out I was pregnant with Frankie, my Babci passed away.  After that Grandpa Joe took over, and though its now in NY with less people and on the first floor.....That's just where I am happy, I might be typical, but i still don't love change.

With that being said......Holidays riddle me with anxiety.  In the last 4 years I have not been able to relax for one Holiday.  The last few have made me anxious to the extreme, relax isn't even in my vocabulary.

She's Chocolate Wasted

Thanksgiving did go well this year so I'm not so sure why I was concerned.  Maybe it was the 4 houses in 48 hours that freaked me out.  You heard me 4 houses in 48 hours.  Christmas Eve at Dad's  in Long Beach was our first stop.  I had a separate anxiety about the whole thing as I hadn't been to Long Beach since Sandy.  It was one of those towns on the TV where houses were set on fire, boardwalks disappeared and peoples lives turned upside down.  My father has lived there since I was 2 and my step mom her whole life, so while its not my town, its still MY town.

The children held up well that night. Lia cried because she wasn't getting her way but....that's a separate issue.  Children passed out and Santa showed up!







Good Morning!  Santa was here!  Opening gifts was a good time. For the first time, he really got it.  They both REALLY got what was going on.  I have never been so thrilled to see my money gone on toys and truly appreciated.  They got everything they wanted.....and I was so blessed they didn't want that much lol.








The Whirl Wind began shortly after.  We went over to my in laws a few towns over to open some gifts and have some breakfast.

Pack kids back in car....Frankie has first Melt Down.  He doesn't understand we are driving 20 minutes to my Brother in laws house.  He thinks we are canceling Christmas, he is screaming, freaking and now my anxiety builds.  I can only think to myself, please God, Don't make the whole day like this. 

I drink Coffee....recharge!   Get to Brother in laws house.  Children are happy.....the boy is even more thrilled by the pool table in the basement!  We eat, open gifts have a great time and then I realize we must get back in the car to drive to my aunts house 20 minutes South.  As I pack up I start getting anxious again when my Husband does the funniest/meanest/silliest/smartest thing ever.

Husband: Frankie want to see the SURPRISE?  Yea a Surprise, its in the car!!! lets go see it!

Frankie: A SURPRISE IN THE CAR!!!!  OK!!!

In my head I am thinking this can only go wrong.....I run out behind them with a handful of cookies awaiting a crying child....instead I see my husband laughing going back to get the other two.  I reach the van and Frankie is hanging out in the seat.  I say "hey, i have your surprise, its a cookie"  He was cool with that.  I asked him if he was ok.....to which he says "yea, lets go, where is Lia and Baby James?"  ummmmm ok.  With that we left.  My husband some how figured out how to trick my son out of a melt down.  By the time we got to my aunts, he was so happy to see people he forgot that we left my Brother in laws.

I'm not into tricking the kid like that, but it was probably the smartest thing my husband has ever done.  It saved me a meltdown.....because of course we had one when we left the last house that night.

Its getting easier.  These Holiday things, THANK GOD are getting easier.  I am going to just embrace it and not question it.  Happy Holidays and Happy New Year <3 Us!

Sometimes its Me

Since I have had children, I suffer from slight Agoraphobia.....some days Crazy Big Agoraphobia.  When I was childless I drove everywhere, did everything, saw everyone...I.Was.Awesome. 

I can only blame Autism a little in all of this, in reality its me.  It started with being fearful of my sons behaviors in public.  While he learned to control most of his behaviors, for some reason my fear and anxiety continued to grow anyway, I feel safest in my cramped apartment. 

I feel like I a doing my children a disservice.  My friends bring their kids to the park and on play dates and I am riddled with anxiety about just leaving the house.  Do I have PTSD or is this typical of mothers of three young children?  I feel like a crap mom. 

Its Saturday, I have no plans.  Kids are playing blocks and I am meandering the Internet.....and I feel like crap because the idea of putting them int he car and going anywhere is too stressful for me.  I need to grow out of this.  Till then, its blocks and Arts and crafts :)

I Might Be Too Old

To say crap like "it's all good".  I'm sitting here trying to get this ball back on track watching some nonsense on tv. I'm realizing while I'm young at heart, I'm not sure how young I seem with 3 kids hanging on me. 

Heard it a million times, age is a number blah blah blah, but I am thinking he kid at the cash register is cringing when I say "my bad" or "it's all good".  Its possible if I was 28 with no kids and some awesome hipster outfit I would be relatively cool and I'd get a free pass on hip lingo....yea i just said hip lingo.  Crap, I'm loosing it.

Someone, quick, end me some cool phrases...... ok here is me with a pineapple....pineapples are hip and with it right?

He Makes Up For It in Cuteness

Today in the process of chastising my child I had to hold back from bursting out into laughter!

Today he had been on pretty good behavior. When we went out he did run around the store like a maniac but, I didn't care much since it was a children's consignment store littered with toys and other maniac kids haha. He was such a little gentleman, he opened the door for me, closed the car doors, just too cute!

My pet peeve lately has been him taking his seat belt off. See I have a large 3 year old who does not comfortably fit into a car seat. At the point he is in s booster which he its in weight, height and age......except he keeps putting the shoulder let behind his head. On the way to grandmas he pulled this stunt which led to me stopping the car on a side street. I turned around and put on my exaggerated mad face and told him I was upset and he need to wear his seat belt to keep him safe. Then I do the whole " why do we wear seat belts?" to which he replies " it keeps you safe". Why I decided to try and keep rationalizing with him I don't know but I told him that with no seat belt he can get a big boo boo and end up at the hospital. ..........

With that comment the tears stopped and he looked at me with HUGE wide eyes( please bare with me but this is exactly how my son talks haha) and said " Mama Avi tricycle hospital......duka guhduwa bones boo boo Avi endica wadda hospital, big boo boo Avi tricycle in duh hospital en duh anduhbus". He went on about the hospital for about a half hour as I tried not to laugh. He was telling me about an episode of bubble guppies where Avi ( a fish) falls off of his tricycle, breaks his tail bone and has to go to the hospital in an ambulance. He kills me when he talks, he is hysterical. Granted this is new that I can actually understand most of what he is talking about. He use to go on and on in jargon and I couldn't even catch one word. I almost cried and laughed at the same time, when I was trying to still be angry. The idea that he put together that getting hurt in the car and going to the hospital was the same as when Avi went to the hospital was amazing. I know they have always said he has had processing issues, this is just great. Today was a great day!

Stop Spinning!

I don't even know what in Gods name is up with the boy today.  Seriously, the behaviors the last 2 days are pure insanity.  Many people have told me that when he is learning new things, it won't be uncommon for him to regress in other areas.  HOLY CRAP!  Here I am hoping that these Omega -3's and vitamins are going to help him out and he is behaving like a nutso......talking in sentences, but acting like a nut.  I guess that would prove the theory right, he's talking and having horrible behavior.....before he was being good and just using vocabulary.

He looks at me and says "mama, help me, get juice".  Aw how cute!  I get him juice and I go about my scrap booking.  I hear him drinking his juice and then I realize I hear spitting.  He had taken all 10 oz of water/juice put it in his mouth and then proceeded to SPIT it onto his castle and dinosaurs.  My carpet was soaked, his clothes were soaked and I was on the verge of loosing my mind.

Mind you this has come after a long day of cracker smashing into my rug and table flipping.  Yes, you heard me right, he tried to flip his work table over at least 5 times with all 3 therapists today.   Beasting out table flipping ala Teresa Guidice (Real Housewives of NJ).  He's also shaking his body and head uncontrollably which I've never seen before and spinning again, which I haven't seen in months.  The last thing he did was slam his head into the steps TWICE......he hasn't hit his head on something since he was 16 months old.   

I am so bummed today......I have this super optimistic outlook for my son and I get scared when I see these behaviors come out.  I ignorantly thought they were gone, today hurt.  August 9th I made a neurologist appointment for him.  I'm on  the fence about bringing him to a Developmental Pediatrician......I'd bring him to a DAN! Dr but they don't take insurance.

The last few weeks we started down this road of starting alternate treatments on top of his therapies (which I will say are the only proven methods of "Curing") and its just made me more stressed.  I am hoping I can see a difference soon, cant wait to try the behavioral balance in the coming weeks.  We are actually using my husband as a guinea pig first, we got him Omega-3's and the Behavioral Balance in pill form.....he starts tomorrow.  Hopefully that can work for him too and relieve some stress and help him socially.  All we want is to fix our baby.......I know there are people that say they want to leave their child the way they are but for us, slamming your head into a step and spitting on your toys is not ok.  Dear God, help us fix our baby.

Autism Awarness.......Be aware that there are Adults with ASD

Its funny, I find it easier for people to accept children on the spectrum then for them to accept an adult.   The younger they are, the more passionate we are.  A 29 year old man can't possibly be on the spectrum , he's just an aloof a-hole with anger problems.

Today I had an emotional breakdown.  I am tired, I am fighting a battle for my son and now trying to fight it for my husband as well.  But as I said, my sons problems are acceptable,  but to most my husbands are not.   I met my husband and fell in love with a handsome boy who loved Star Wars and wrestling, we had fun, he had no friends, but that was ok because we had each other.  His family told me horror stories of how he behaved as a child, he was pulling his hair out at 3, he was diagnosed with ADD, the psychologists had no idea in 1987 what was wrong with him.  He was intelligent, but he couldn't make friends, he was bullied.  He grew up and all the pent up pain came out in anger and he was unable to control it.  By the time I met him he was over beating people up, but he still didn't have many friends.  He hid his insecurities by lying about how awesome he was.

After he lost the first job when I was 6 months pregnant, it all went down hill......I think he lost 7 jobs in 4 years.  All because of his inability to handle his anxiety and work and comprehend direction under pressure.  He is a restaurant manager, people yell at him all day, kitchens fall apart, things get stressful and there are times he can not handle everything going on around him and then he either lashes out or shuts down.  If I could switch places and work for him I would, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't make enough to keep us alive with my 2 year degree.  Everything to my husband is black and white, you cant change his mind, you cant reason with him because his logic is always right.  Truth is he has good logic, but he doesn't understand sometimes his logic can hurt the feeling of others.  His logic says....people walk for Autism and give money to research so I'm going to RUN 15 miles and ask for donations and its the same thing because a family (us) is using it to save for hyperbaric treatments.  I told him that's not ok, people get offended.....he says logically its the same thing, he is running, if they give money, they do, if they don't they don't. 

And offend some people he did (he posted his running idea on Facebook), and then I lost my mind.  I lost all emotional control, no matter how many times I explain my husband, no one understands.   People think my husband looses his jobs because he's purposely careless or doesn't care, they think he's arrogant because he doesn't talk much and is always fidgeting with his blackberry in social situations, they think he is self centered because he gets stuck on topics he likes, they think he doesn't love me because he's not openly affectionate in public, they think he is stubborn because he sees things in black and white, they think hes obsessive because he needs to have the utensils facing a certain way after being washed and bills payed in a certain order.  But behind closed doors, I'm married to a man that wants more then anything to have a great job so he can buy me sparkly things and soap making supplies, he hugs and kisses me and the kids, he tells me what he is feeling, I talk to him about things he likes and I listen and then I try to like them too, he is painfully shy and insecure and puts up a jerk front and to keep him happy I always point the forks up when they are drying :)

There has to be more awareness for the grownups on the spectrum, people easily forget these cute kids grow up to be adults.  Unfortunately, some fly under the radar, especially when there was no diagnosis for things like Aspergers in the past.  I thank those in my family that are beginning to understand, I thank you for your help and your kindness and helping us get through this.

I'm Supermom, an Autism diagnosis will never get me down......yea right

I wonder if its possible to be in denial for 4 months? Ok, maybe its not denial that i exactly suffer from, but instead extreme optimism. After LP's diagnosis, I thought to myself, "ok this is ok, we can do this" I smiled at the psychologist and said "That's what I thought it was, great at least now I know". I then began an aggressive Early Intervention program and read everything I could about Autism.

I never cried. I had the optimism that since it seemed to be a High Functioning form that my son would be perfectly fine. He would grow up to be the Aspie type, have a job, live alone, get married, have kids. I never have doubted any of those things in my mind until last week.

I told myself I would never get down, I would always be positive......that is until transition tantrum 500,000. LP has been through another round of evaluations, which once again placed him below what I expected. No matter how much he can read and memorize, the fact that he cant have an actual conversation with you that's not scripted puts him at a lower percentile compared to other kids.

In four months I never broke down.....the last 2 weeks I think I have broken down at least 4 times. I'm going to get all cliche now and say things like....I never pictured this as our life, I'm mourning the perfect child I wanted, parenting shouldn't be this difficult, I just want to go to a mom and me group with out my son running and jumping uncontrollably, I want strangers to stop staring, I don't want to be anxious about LP, I don't want to fight with my spouse about how to handle things with LP, I want to leave my son in Sunday school without disrupting the whole class, I want my son to understand that things are dangerous, I want regular discipline to work, i want to shower without worrying that LP has jumped off a chair or dresser......I could go on forever.

Don't get me wrong, in 4 months my son has gone from non verbal to reading. He has learned to sit and stand, give strangers hugs, give kisses, say Hi and Bye, ask for food or a drink, hold hands while we walk, love his sister to death, take a bath without crying, learn to love the pool.....and best of all, tell me he loves me.

Its a long road we are on.....i hit some bumps this week.....I'll be more optimistic tomorrow, i promise!