Im Going to Judge

If you know me, you know I'm the least judgmental person out there.  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, its just in my nature.  During the Kelli Stapleton trial, I kept my mouth shut.  I haven't commented, not once on the other parents who killed their autistic children.....that is till today.

Maybe its the manner in which Jillian McCabe killed her son... the idea,.....the thoughts that must have been going through that child's mind as his own mother threw him off of a bridge.  Just because a child is non- verbal, does not mean he does not understand.  I read THIS article, and watched the videos....I want to be sick.

I know what it is really.  Its that our boys were the same age....they are both 6.  Both our sons were diagnosed in February 2011.  While our boys are on different levels of the spectrum......today all I could picture was me....throwing my 6 year old off a bridge.  Truth is, I couldn't imagine it.  As difficult as Frankie's issues have been on us, mentally and financially....if I was depressed, I'd kill myself .  To hurt your child..... I have no words.  SO judge me for for judging Jillian McCabe, but I'm going to.  She's an asshole.

Typical Shmipical

I was getting depressed for a minute.  This is a bad time of year for me, its IEP time....and this year I should have been signing my son up for Kindergarten.  So with my mind in that yucky place, the place where i go through a million pages of paper work that point out all of my sons deficiencies with a few "he's such a sweet happy boy"s thrown in.  I read another blog post about our kids having issues playing sports and how mothers of typical kids shouldn't complain because our kids can't play team sports.  Then I came upon this......

Then I almost started crying.  I already had my gears working in my head about how when Frankie is an adult I can buy this house from my mom and stepfather and then Frankie can live in the apartment that is our apartment now since he is DOOMED to never get married or be a capable adult. 

Then I snapped out of it.  I suppose this photo was made for shock value.  It was made to freak people into awareness.  I'm not a big fan of freaking people out, because I DON'T like being freaked out.

 My son CAN play team sports, he plays sports with his fellow ASD friends.  Is it as fluid and organized as typical soccer....NO....but hes gaining social skills and there is no one to giggle at him when he runs to the wrong goal.  My neighbors son who is on the spectrum is 9.....and guess what, he plays football with typical kids.  Here is a secret, I am "typical" and I am terrible at sports.  My sport was swimming.....I was on swim team , which is an isolating sport.  My event was the 500, 20 laps, 7+minutes to be alone with my thoughts.  My son could have been born typical and STILL been crappy at teams sports, just like his mama.  :)

As for the photo....Most people will not achieve their dream or traveling the world because of finances and Life not Autism.   Many typical children won't live independently because its easier to live with mom and dad not because of Autism.  Many will not serve their country because they don't believe in war not Autism.  Many will not be leaders because honestly, being a follower is easier not because of Autism.  Some men will not fall in love, get married or raise kids because they like the bachelor lifestyle (that our culture glorifies) not because of Autism. 

I could have birthed a child who was completely typical and he too could have never done any of the above.  There is no point for me to be sitting here worrying about what he wont do.  I will never be helping my son on focusing on what he may not do. 

Typical Frankie could have been great at sports, done to a D1 school for football and injured himself his first year.  He could have then decided to pursue a career in rap while living in my basement.  As his career didn't flourish and he worked at the bank near by he would have met several girls at the club and decided living the playa lifestyle was the way to go.  He would go on to make decent money at the bank but never chose management because there is too much stress and just sitting back collecting money is easier.  He would toy with the idea of buying a house and then realizes with taxes being about 10k a year and houses averaging 400k in our area he may as well stay in the one bedroom  apartment in my basement.  At 50 he will find a woman to be his old age companion but still refuses to get married.  They stay in our house because at that point we will be in our 70's and we need some help.........

Frankie with Autism got thousands of hours of therapy in his first years of life.  He had to struggle a little harder to socialize and be on par with the rest of his peers.  In HS he had a few friends and excelled in academics.  He went to college and chose a career path where he could work and excel and his job was not socially centered, more technical.  He became a leader in his field because of his intelligence, not so much social skills.  He marries a childhood friend who also has ASD, they understand each other and have similar issues.  They have children who they monitor closely (maybe choose not to vaccinate or feed Gluten too lol) and they make enough money to put me and my husband in a fancy assisted living situation and never have to move back in ;)

Neither one of these might happen, but the truth is my sons Autism won't define his life.  I can't sit here and worry about the future, I need to be here for my son today.  I don't think scaring people about Autism is the way to get our voices heard.  It was because of those shock tactics that when i realized my son had Autism I sobbed and made the assumption he would never speak (we see that didn't happen).  I'm done comparing myself to other moms and I'm done comparing my son to other kids, he is Frankie, plain and simple, he will find his way in life and I will love whatever path he takes.

He Works So Hard

Today I saw this Photo......

 

It came from Autism Spectrum Disorder, through their Eyes

It made me think.  

Next to me on the couch is a boy 3 months shy of 5.  For the last 2 years he has endured at minimum THREE hours or therapy 5 times a week and at most SIX.

At TWO and a HALF he began 2x 90min a day of ABA therapy.  Two times during the week you could also throw in a 45 minute session of Speech therapy.  

While other kids his age were at play groups and at the park, my baby was in a chair or on the floor with a skilled therapist teaching him how to play, how to listen, how to talk.  

Days were long, we were isolated.  In the beginning he would scream the whole time, other times he would throw things, try to flip a table.  This was his life, this was his normal.  

At 3 I placed him on a bus.....I placed him on a bus to a school where the school day was 6 hours and the commute was 20 minutes each way.  He gets, OT, PT, Speech, Group Play Therapy and Individual Therapy.  

He is a little boy, and he has the course load of a college kid.  I know at the end of the day it's all worth it....but he really is still just a baby <3

I push my kid....dont worry, not physically!

This would be my bad a** self many moons ago....ok maybe 6 years ago

 Skinny and Athletic....imagine that.  I think I stared Skiing around 11....then the winter of the year I was 12 I think I went skiing nearly every other weekend.  When I was 15 I decided to learn how to snowboard, well because that's what all the cool kids were doing :)

So that's the back story.  My mother and stepfather go skiing almost every weekend.  How a woman born in Cuba (my mother) came to be a skier is another story, but it was apparent that my mother has been waiting to see Frankie ski since he was in utero.

When the weekend came that we would bring Frankie to Vermont was approaching, to say I was anxious would be an understatement.  My skin broke out,I was moody and semi insane.  With Frankie you can do a social story but God Forbid you say we are going skiing...he must go NOW.  So For two days prior to going....he had to go NOW.

Now I might get some Shit (sorry have to use it) for what I am going to say.  I HAVE to push my son.  I know he has Autism, I know things stress him out, I know he is sensitive but truth is if I don't push him he will sit on the couch the rest of his life watching TV because it will be easier then getting up.  Say whatever you want, but I know because I suffer from the same nonsense.  When my anxiety gets bad I have to be forced to do things, maybe I had a good time, maybe I did not, but I got it done.

We drive the 4.5 hours to Vermont.  The big guy is amazed by the snow.  The last time he saw real big amounts of snow was Dec 26th of 2010.  There was no snow in NY last year so it was like seeing it for the first time!  My first mistake that Friday evening was not pushing him to get his boots sized.  The plan had been to get to get there and have his ski boots fitted and rented but of course being that we JUST got there, the transition to getting back in the car made him meltdown.  Say what you want but I should have pushed him through it, the discomfort of that transition would have made other things a lot easier the following 2 days.

The following day we went up to the mountain in the afternoon after an whole morning of meltdowns because snow is cold and the house was different and there was no cable and the netflix didn't work and we weren't going skiing NOW.  I could have went that morning to bring him skiing but he was just getting upset left and right over everything it wasn't going to happen.  At the mountain he decided he needed to go skiing that SECOND and needed the biggest skis that had.....meltdown because he couldn't have the biggest ski's.....bigger then skis I could even use lol.  I thought bringing him to the mountain just to see, to get him ready for Sunday morning would be a good thing, that he would have slowly adjusted.....NOPE...needed to SKI NOW SKI NOW!

This is us after going to the Candy store (bribery).....He still needed to Ski right then and there.  Also that is my husband....wearing our little guy in the Ergo.....gotta love a daddy wearing a baby!

We managed to get through Saturday with promises of skiing in Sunday morning.

Sunday morning, Frankie needed to go skiing NOW

This is us in the room where you can put on your boots.  We walk in and Frankie is adamant about getting his Ski's NOW.  Well....first paper work "I NEED MY SKIS".....then some boots "THESE BOOTS ARE TOO HARD, I CAN"T I NEED SKIS"....Then get Skis " THESE SKIS ARE TOO LITTLE THEY ARE FOR BABIES"

I'm not sure if most would quit by then.  Maybe people thought I was cruel to push him....but if my butt got on my ski clothes and all my equipment out after 6 years.....he was going skiing.

This is what a four year old on Skis looks like.  Boots, ski's, helmet, goggles helmet and awesome harness so mom can carry you around.  Can you see HOW BIG of an event this can be for a kid on the spectrum????  I think he was crying a little bit after this because now that we were on the mountain he wanted to go on the BIG SKI LIFT and not on the little bunny slope "magic carpet".  So again I had to force my child up a small ski lift as he screamed that he need to go on the "BIG HAND GLIDER NOW"

That's how that works, Mom puts child in the middle as child yells "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH".  Then when we don't crash he says "OK lets do that again but lets go on the other side".  So we go up again on the little "Magic carpet" (that area by the black tube in the photo) and this time we go on the right side where there are little flags set up to go around ;)

Now after a morning of screaming he has decided he want to go up the BIG "magic Carpet"

We went up a few more times.  After about an hour he was pretty much done, which was fine with me, I was happy he did it for more then 10 minutes.  I asked him if he wanted to do it again and he said only if we go on the "hand glider"(aka the chairlift that goes higher up the mountain).  I then asked if we could bring Lia next year....he said no, this was just for me and Mommy.

Maybe people think I'm terrible for pushing him, for making him deal with things that make him uncomfortable.  I wondered if people would say, just let him be himself, not be what you want.  Well If he never wanted to Ski again then I'm ok with that, but he has to try.  That's all, call me crazy.

Inadequate Mom

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I have been meaning to write this blog for about two week, but in all honesty I didn't have the time or the desire.  Well that's not entirely true, i did have the desire but....yea time, that's hard to come by.  In this moment I should be doing something else, my dishes are over flowing and my washer is beeping but at the same time I hate feeling like I dropped off here.

SOOO there it is in the title, I feel grossly inadequate in a million ways.  I have an issue with taking too much on, not because i have to but because I genuinely want to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~STEPPED AWAY FROM THIS POST FOR 3 WEEKS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I'm back.  I am friends with quite a few Autism Mommy's and Daddy's, some of them bloggers like myself.  Last night i drank sweet wine.....When I drink sweet whine or champagne I end up crying.  Crying because I feel like I should be doing so much more for my son.  I wish i had set his room up like a classroom, I wish i had time to do floor time at home, i wish i had an impeccable schedule, i wish i hadn't had the three kids so close, i feel like maybe someone else would have done better, i wish i had more patience.  Then add the parents that do the whole biomed thing.  Here I am wondering.....would all that stuff make my son feel better on the inside.  AM i a FAILURE because i didn't spend thousands of dollars on supplements and diets etc to try.

I see posts on facebook about these kids diets and "we never ingest anything processed" as my kid is munching down on a pop tart that I just gave him to bribe him to eat carrots because we are trying to go gluten free (he has Latent Celiacs).  IF that's not the most asinine thing ever I don't know what is.

I see people perfectly potty training their children and here I am having knock down drag out fights with my son to just sit on it....so i gave up for a little.  To me if it takes till he is 5 so be it, but i feel like a failure, i should have printed laminated charts and graphs and highly nutritious treats that he eats with no problem to train him for the potty.

Two years ago when I started this I envisioned myself as this with it mom.  The one who had all the therapy tools, who kept her cool and was a rold model for other moms.  I would give my kids the best foods and give them great supplements that helped his tummy and brain feel better.  I would be persistent and strong....I would just be awesome.

So last night I cried to my husband because I don't think I am any of those.  I'm chugging along.  My kids think I'm awesome,  My family does too....Really that's all that matters.   I think I will just live in the mindset that everyone is bragging on facebook and they too have messy houses and let their kids eat pop tarts for lunch if they really have to.

Sometimes its Me

Since I have had children, I suffer from slight Agoraphobia.....some days Crazy Big Agoraphobia.  When I was childless I drove everywhere, did everything, saw everyone...I.Was.Awesome. 

I can only blame Autism a little in all of this, in reality its me.  It started with being fearful of my sons behaviors in public.  While he learned to control most of his behaviors, for some reason my fear and anxiety continued to grow anyway, I feel safest in my cramped apartment. 

I feel like I a doing my children a disservice.  My friends bring their kids to the park and on play dates and I am riddled with anxiety about just leaving the house.  Do I have PTSD or is this typical of mothers of three young children?  I feel like a crap mom. 

Its Saturday, I have no plans.  Kids are playing blocks and I am meandering the Internet.....and I feel like crap because the idea of putting them int he car and going anywhere is too stressful for me.  I need to grow out of this.  Till then, its blocks and Arts and crafts :)

Bleach is Not Neurotxoin.....and it didn't give my son Autism

So at our national Autism Bloggers convention we were talking about the things that people say that may or may not hurt our feelings.  Ok just kidding, well only about the convention part but the topic has come up in conversation with other blogger friends. You have to remember, we are real people behind these pages, our feeling do get hurt. 

So Here is mine.....

One night I posted how cleaning my tub with Clorox Clean up reminded me of Chaminade High Schools Swimming Pool.  I was a competitive swimmer and that pool had so much chlorine in it, its surprising I didn't die.  The irony in all of this is I am sensitive to Chlorine so I had a runny nose all swim season... but I digress.  Well a fellow Autism mom decided to write to me "Bleach is a neurotoxin, you should NEVER USE THAT EVER".  Ok well I was really just looking for a rise from my old friends I swam with, wasn't trying to make a statement here, its my PERSONAL facebook.  I went on to try and explain how i only use clorox on the toilet and tub tiles because I have a real mold problem being in a basement apartment, how I usually use natural stuff but to ME the MOLD is worse on respiratory systems then the Bleach......Oh crap...

I was met with the whole :

onions in a tub...not my tub lol

"even a drop of Bleach is detrimental to your child, how dare you blah blah blah child with Autism, blah blah blah killing brain cells blah blah blah, terrible mother blah blah MOLD IS NATURAL SO ITS OK..." 

Ok I made that last part up.  My point is, Bleach is one of the Safer cleaning products out there other then natural cleaners.  If you told me cutting up an flipping ONION and rubbing it around my tub would do the same job as the bleach and kill all the mold, I'd be on it.  It doesn't, onion + tub = Smelly, teary, sill Moldy tiled tub.

My second point is Bleach is not the cause of my sons Autism.  Its not the cause of anyones Autism, its been around since before Autism was discovered so there.  I don't understand why other people who are in the same boat as me have to "school me".   SAME TEAM here people....I think my kid got Autism after a Flu shot because he was genetically predisposed and someone thinks its from MMR and someone else things its all genetic...FINE, good I am happy.  Just dont crucify other parents in a public forum for using bleach, or not going GF/CS, not doing ABA, for continuing to vaccinate, for having more then one kid after Diagnosis, for flipping whatever.  Stop, stop talking bad to each other and listen to each others story with open minds.  Just like you never met two people with Autism that are the same....you will never meet two families who have children with Autism that are the same. 

The Sweetest Saddness

Today I took down my folding laundry doors and instead put up a curtain partition.  I could have replaced the doors but I kept hearing how crappy they were so....I saved $20 and bought nice curtains.  There is a point to this....I think.

Today I get a note home from Speech it says "Frankie seems preoccupied with talking about poopie, he didn't have a very productive session since that's all he wanted to talk about.  I took him to the bathroom but he never went".  Well, I say it was appropriate since he did stay home from school the day prior because of well......poop.  Apparently he is still having issues.  I hear bits and pieces but never the full story.  Its getting aggravating, I'm probably picking him up tomorrow.


So children are balancing on folding doors laying on my kitchen floor.  Baby girl has some amazing balance, she looks like a mini snowboarder rocking back and forth arms out staying still.  Frankie runs over from his trains and tries to hold baby girls hand....she protests, I tell him she doesn't want to hold hands.....


Ask him what he wants for dinner 5 seconds later, meltdown begins.  No English words come out, not even poopie.  I assume its a food issue, i tell him when he is quiet i will talk to him.  He screams and sobs....Lia looks on from her high chair happily eating chicken.  This goes on for 10 minutes and the child utters "hold hands".  I'm hugging him and he sobs, "Lia doesn't want to hold hands".  This was all about hand holding, not food for once. I let them hold hands while she ate......he then informed me that he too would like chicken (GASP!...he has been eating cereal or yogurt for dinner for weeks). 


He held hands and ate all his Chicken......then he looks at me and smiles "I'm so proud of you"

A Silly, exciting thing to cry about

My son is a food stuffer.  I know its Sensory....maybe a a bit behavioral at this point.  So if you have been following me on Facebook you can see that Frankie has been having behavioral problems since he has been back to school.  They add 5 kids to his class......and Frankie doesn't like change or attention taken away from him....so he regresses behaviorally.  Lots on my mind, so much bothering me, wondering what I can do. 

So my little stuffer is sitting at the table with a paper plate, 3 pretzels and a cereal bar.  I am watching to make sure he breaths as he shoves the entire cereal bar in his mouth and then something happens.  He takes a bite and put it down...... "take a bite and put it down like Andrea says"  he repeats after every bite.  Maybe silly, but I cried.....that it all it takes.  He took nibbles of pretzel and put it down and waited.  Who was this kid??? 

Well....it was great.

Disney on Ice!

While the Lion King is my sons favorite Disney Movie, I am pretty sure that the Little Mermaid Dance Number was his favorite of the night....well probably for both kids.

I saw someone write- Ice + Princess  x Bubbles = Toddler Euphoria

Lol its probably true.

I have to say first that I wouldn't normally try to bring Frankie to these things alone.  I am Super blessed with a sister who works at Nassau Coliseum and can get me tickets for free and also parents who have the patience to help me with "I like to test people" Frankie and "Super happy jumpy" Lia

So I can say that other then the boring intermission the kids did quite well for 2 hours sitting in a cold stadium.  Frankie did freak at the idea of eating any food there, he was pretty upset when he though he was getting pretzels and got a soft pretzel, Mommy should have known better. 

I guess if i do these things a few times I get less stressed out.  As he gets older and I have dealt with this longer I also get less stressed out.  Autism has given me patience I never thought i could posses and the ability to let things just roll off my back.

Today we missed the bus.....it was OK, i drove him and then went shopping at Target.  use to be a big deal....no not a big deal anymore.  Great day, Great weekend, Great Life  :)

I'm back.....to complain unfourtunatly

As cute as he is....he needs to go back to school.  The photo above was taken at my aunts house where he continued to slam in those keys.......he's not the type of Autistic kid that is a musical savant may I add.

So yes, I need it to be Tuesday.  Mommy is getting mean, it needs to be Tuesday.  I can only Thank God that I was able to go out with friends Tuesday and out to dinner with my husband and another couple on Wednesday because if I didn't have those breaks....I don't know how I would be.

Today I felt like a horrible mother, This week I have been taken back to over a year ago when I just could not handle the boy.  I guess this is what people say is that Regression during school break.  He tests me to no end, climbs up things after repeated taking him off, ignoring etc.  After the 7th time climbing his table he got all giddy to see me coming to get him and fell off.  Then he wants me to be sad because he got hurt, but I'm not sad, I can only think "do you see why i told you NOT to do that"

Push sister, throw shoes, throw cereal....all with a smirk and even with the wrath of God in my eyes he is only scared for a second.  It needs to be Tuesday, I need the little boy who comes home and tells me how much he loves me back....not he one who just repeats back to me "don't you test me"

We had a good run!

So I had been M.I.A. for a while because things were splendid.  Not perfect, plenty of typical 3 year old annoying behavior, but nothing exciting.  Maybe I should have written about how typical he was being.   I found out a few weeks ago that my son was playing me for a fool.  Apparently he talks, pees, poops, eats a variety of food and drinks out of a cup at school.  All things he does NOT do at home with out an enormous amount of prompting.  Doctor says besides the speech, to see him  now, you would think he wasn't on the spectrum's. Most stims are gone, he just is.

Until he saw me today when I went to his class party.  The teachers told me he never acts like he did....I hadn't seen him act like this since he got diagnosed!  He was SCREAMING at the sight of me, attached to me screaming, refusing food, freaking over everything, anything.  Once we left school he was ok again.  I was angry at him, I don't understand why my mere presence can set him off into such a tail spin.  Why is it that my son is sticking out even in a special education pre-school class.  Maybe that's mean but, I felt so upset.  They tell me all the sweet things he does and how great he is, but when i walk into the room he turns into a mess that I cant fix.



To end the evening we went and got a haircut.  My mother in law wanted to bring him, last time she went with out me and she said it went poorly.  He has always been ok getting a haircut with me alone, but i think the distraction of a favorite grandma kind of gets him all wired up and more freaked out.  His hair got messed up from moving and i had to hold his head against me just to finish it up.  I don't know what happened....3 months ago he got a haircut, no problem.  I feel like crap......I should do dishes, I don't want to....boooo

Thanksgiving

 

Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving this year.  This will be our first diagnosed Thanksgiving which will make things a little easier.  I hate to make ASD an excuse, but it helps to explain Frankie's behavior.  It also keeps relatives from giving me Parenting books for Christmas.....yes that happened.  

I am Thankful for my family, my friends for the things I have no matter how small.  I am thankful for simple conveniences and grand gestures.  I am thankful for those who understand and accept us and for the patience of those around me.  I am thankful to all of Frankie's teachers, therapists and Doctors who have brought him so far in such a short time.   I am also thankful for those in the Autism and Special Needs community that I have become quick friends with here and in life.  Nothing has made this whole diagnoses easier then having others to talk to.  Having people that are going through the same things I am and sharing our stories.  

So Thank you all and may you be blessed with a Happy and Healthy Thanksgiving!

When You Know Something Is Wrong

So this is the second time I have come across the issue of knowing something is up with another persons child.....and they do not.  I suppose I am lucky because neither person was a good friend by any means, but it still seems to make me feel odd.

The first time was at a baby play group, one mom kept saying her child was constantly hurting himself and other kids.  She went on and poured out all these emotions and concerns as her 18 month old son ran around haphazardly grunting.  She said "who do you call for early intervention".....and i handed over the number that was nicely stored in my phone.  I tried to comfort this woman, who was basically a stranger, and tell her it would be ok and he didn't seem so bad, it was probably nothing just a phase.  It was then I was mentally brought back to that same time in my life, the time when I looked at other moms and hoped they told me my son was fine.  They did.....they were lieing....and so did I.

This last time was at the doctors office on Wednesday while the kids were playing.  This little boy flapping around and spinning, spinning took a fancy to Frankie's Thomas trains that he left on the little play table.  Frankie caught wind and went over and took them back.  Little boy freaked out, FREAKED, not a normal freaked out either.  Mom came over and apologized and there I was seeing myself in another person.  She did this thing I use to do before I knew what was going on....I would talk out loud to myself pretending I was talking to the boy, maybe as a cry for help.  She said " are you hungry, not that you eat anything, not that you can tell me what you would want to eat.  Its not like you talk ever.  imagine a two year old who just doesn't want to talk"  Bells were going off in my head but of course this woman was a complete stranger.....

The question is what is that fine line.....when do you make a comment.  No one wants to hear Autism, I think you can throw a mom into tears or a fit of rage if you threw the idea of Autism their way.   I just wish there were rules....

I can make you Aware but....

......I cant change make you accept.

I just got done reading a wonderful blog post over at AutismWars which compelled me to write today.  Kids have been sick for about 2 weeks now, its like they ping pong back and forth and my brain is just all over the place.  So when Jenny's blog post from last April gave me inspiration I had to jump on it.

Earlier this week I had to deal with  disgruntled reader who a.) does not believe Autism is a disease because there is no Scientific Evidence Supporting it.  b.) Says we should all think outside of the box and that our kids are NOT sick, society has programmed us to believe that.  c.)  wants me to educate them. So like I said, I can make people aware but I cant make you accept.

This reader is AWARE of Autism, they just don't feel like Buying it..... THAT'S the problem.  People see our bumper stickers, they see the puzzle pieces, they are completely aware of Autism, but will they choose to accept it?

I too was Aware but had no idea until it was on my front door.  I too was one of those waitresses who could not understand why people could not handle their kids.  I too believed vaccine injury was crap.  I too thought Jenny McCarthy was insane.  I too boldly believed nothing like that could ever happen to my child.

Funny that I denied it would ever be me, yet another part of me was convinced it would be.  When I was younger I saw a commercial of a Mom putting a child into a car seat as he looked off into the distance.  As she walk away it said 1 in 150 children will be diagnosed with Autism....and as it said that I kid you not I thought to myself  "That's going to be me".   My question is, What in Gods name did that commercial do other then scare the shit out of me.  NOTHING, it didn't give you one single idea of what the hell Autism was about.

Like Jenny said in her Autism Wars Blog post, we are all preaching to the choir.  We all KNOW, we talk to each other about Making people aware but it needs to go further then that.  There is one image of Autism out there, Rainman type or Non -Verbal.  I never see extremely attractive and charming  3 year old that constantly runs away laughing as i try to grab him by the neck before he runs in the street.

The people that see me with the child described like to believe my child is bad and I am also a bad mother.  I lived a year of my life convinced my child was a horrible child who defied me because he hated me.  I did everything, I brought him to social groups, mommy and me, doctors, punished him in all forms, crap I even went back to work and put him in daycare because someone could do better.  It turns out I wasn't a horrible mother and my kid wasn't bad he just had NO idea what I was saying.  At 30 months old my son had the receptive language of a NINE month old....WTF?  That's Autism????  Lining up the trains obsessively and freaking out when they fall over...that's Autism? Stacking cans is Autism?  Jumping for hours is Autism?  Shaking your head uncontrollably is Autism?  Not talking.....wait the Dr said boys talk later then girls......oh shes an idiot so that's Autism too?

That's the issue, the public is made aware of classic Autism.  A kid that won't look at you, Won't let you talk to them, or touch them.  A kid who sits in the corner rocking.  They never tell you about the kid who cant handle loud noise, the kid who cant handle how sand feels on their feet, the kid who lays on top of you constantly to get sensory input, the kid who cant physically sit through dinner at a restaurant.....i could go on forever.

Someone needs to make the public accept our kids.  They are Aware, they need to Accept damn it.

Is Three a Charm?

No, I'm not pregnant, nor are we even talking about getting pregnant.  The thing is today I had a mini melt down as I was packing Frankie's summer clothes away to be shipped off to someone else.  In the past year I have just gotten rid of clothes and stopped saving them for "the next baby" like I use to.  Even with Lia, I kept the things i thought were cute and shipped the rest away to family who had a baby girl.

So in the mess of emotions and anxiety I called my mom and said I'm keeping the last season of clothes.  She said she would store them, basically I have boxes of clothes stashed in various relatives houses with the cute items I cant let go of. 

Then the emotions came up, should we ever contemplate another child in the future or should I throw in the towel.  At 27 and 29 we didn't feel we should make a permanent decision, but with one child on the spectrum and one with a Diva attitude (I kid, sort of) should we chance a 3rd?  And if that 3rd was a boy, who grew to be typical, who grew to be the things we dreamed for  Frankie, would it feel like we replaced our first son?  And am I a horrible mother for assuming that Frankie wouldn't grow up to achieve greatness....

A Ball of emotions, that is me today.  This happens every time i switch the clothes out.  I don't know what it is about them.  I'm not a psychic of any sorts but I can hold things and it will flood me with emotions and memories, i just cant let the clothes go.

I'm keeping them, time will tell.  Right now, i just don't know

Something Wonderful Just Happened!

I must blog about it because it is that Important and Wonderful.  I was going to just Status update, but no, too Important!

I just had a Conversation with my Son!!!!

Italics, Bold and Underlined!

Me: Are you Wet or Dry?

Frankie: I Dry

Me: Do you want to try pee pee on the Potty?

Frankie: No

Me: Frankie, lets try Pee pee on the potty...

Frankie: NO!  I rather Play Trains

Wait what?!?!  I didn't even know "I rather" was part of your vocabulary!  Where the F did that come from?    Now he is narrating the beginning of Thomas and Friends.  He is Fantastic, Oh happy day!

Thoughless Thursday #1

How Negative, I know, but I suppose I can make light or dare I say Joke about the BS I hear from strangers and sometimes even people I know.  So here it is, The First Thoughtless Thursday Comment

"Did you Ever think of trying Time-Out"

Really?  No I NEVER thought of that one.  I must have been living under a rock the last few years. Super Nanny?  Who's that?  What a novel idea, put the kid in a chair and isolate him and all my prayers will be answered.   

Yes, I tried it.  No matter how many times we sat in time out, the behavior occurred again.  He never got it, it never clicked that Time out was bad.  If he hates time out, he could just slam his head against the step he was sitting on......repeatedly.  Now he LIKES time out.  He sits there and smiles.  

Thank you for the Pearls of Wisdom stranger!

The Special Mother by Erma Bombeck....for you Moms

The Special Mother by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect -she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word". She will consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

My Coping Skill are Fine Thank You

 

I was laying in bed with my boy having a fantastic cuddle time when we decided to check the Blog out.  The comments are great, the encouragement and compliments are greatly appreciated and then I stumbled on this comment from "Puzzled" : 

"I'm not laughing with you. I agree that a well-placed joke can help lighten a stressful situation. But, such jokes are usually self-effacing, or are otherwise between friends. From the quips you have shared above you risk appearing arrogant, defiant and self indulgent. When any child harms someone else, whether the child is on the spectrum, has ADHD, Downs Syndrome, or any of the range of cognitive or behavioural disorders, you should be careful not to appear to dismiss & mock the situation. Learn a better coping strategy & you will get a great deal more support if you respond with maturity & humility. If you feel mortified & like you want to cry, just say that! Why is it unpalatable to be honest about autism? Your comment to a stranger, "well I guess insurance would get her a new house... awesome", was in poor taste. Yet you are critical when people won't indulge you? This whole 'they don't walk in my shoes' mentality is destructive and does not give us license to treat others with contempt."

Now for my rebuttal.   I was very taken aback by many of the assumptions made in regards to my blog post.  Granted I know you didn't say that I actually was arrogant, defiant or self indulgent but to make the comment that I could be seen as those lovely adjectives was a tad bit harsh.  I think by assuming you know everything about my situation and who I am by one blog post can be seen as Arrogant.  

Never in that post did I say that I don't fix my sons behaviors.  If and when my son hurts another child or person the proper measures are taken to insure that he understands it was NOT ok and that it does not happen again.  As for the candle incident I was not there, my in laws had my son, I was told about it hours later.  If I was there I WOULD NOT dismiss the situation that occurred and I would take care of it properly according to our behavioral plan.  As for the stranger that gave me a look, maybe I was harsh towards her.....but she is also the same woman who kneed my one year old daughter in the face because she ASSUMED she was a Dog.  Why thinking kneeing a 10 pound dog is acceptable either is beyond me, but I digress. 

You ask why it is "unpalatable" to be honest about Autism....I am being honest about Autism.  This is it....I'm laying it all out for ya right here.  My coping skills are fine, this is my coping skills.  I am not saying it is not ok to cry, but I rather have my children and my husband see me as a happy mother then a mother who is sobbing in self wallowing pitty day in and day out because my son has run into the street over and over no matter how many times the issue is corrected, over corrected, disciplined, ignored.....I refuse to let this take over who I am as a person so that I can cry all day.  Because THAT IS AUTISM, a crappy disorder that can bring a Grown man to his knees in tears.  

I have no Idea if you have a child on the spectrum, nor am I going to assume you do or you don't.  The comment you made:

"This whole 'they don't walk in my shoes' mentality is destructive and does not give us license to treat others with contempt.""

 is garbage.  I never have held others in contempt.  Constantly I have strangers mouth off to me about my son.  They ask why he doesn't talk, why is he screaming, why is he spinning, he should be nicer, he should be quiet, he should not be running.  They roll their eyes at me, they give me looks of disgust and the ENTIRE TIME I shut my mouth and say nothing as to be respectful.  Don't you think its those people who are taking license to treat me and my child with contempt?  Just a thought.  

And here some more fuel for your fire...see that picture.  That was before my son was diagnosed.  That day I was so frustrated with him, he was non verbal, extremely stimmy, throwing things, slamming his head into the wall.....I remember it was just a horrific day.  SO I took a pic and sent it to my cousin and told her I was sending him on the train to her and he would be there in 45 minutes, just look for the sign that said "Murray".  And after I took this pic I took the sign off and cuddled with my son and told him I LOVED him more than anything, and then I CRIED and rocked my baby to sleep because I had no idea what was wrong with him or how to fix it.....2 months later I found out what was wrong, and I STILL don't know how to fix it.  This is my life and Im going to laugh.   Thank you.