My Personal Mental Anguish

I first apologize for my down posts and demeanor lately. Mostly it's because I began this blog at a turning point in our lives as a form or therapy and help via the ASD community. I love to share my sons progress, but I also feel it is important to display the negative aspect to show others that they are not alone. When we began this journey, I was very alone.....it was not till I started this blog that I found others like myself......i thank you all for that!

That being said, I have been in a ton of emotional pain lately. Between school starting, losing our therapists and general anxiety, I'm a mess. I don't know 100% what happened to my son. I know something happened with vaccines. I do think he was predisposed, I know his cousin has it and I remember thinking I wouldn't vaccinate. The other day I found the vaccine book on my shelf, barely touched that I purchased while pregnant with LP. I never finished it because I thought I was crazy, I thought how could I not trust the medical community. I remember thinking the dr was so sweet as she looked me in the eye and told me they were the same shots she would inject into her grand children. So now, I feel enormous amounts of guilt. I had the resources to say no but I listened to everyone else anyway. My husband has complained to me on numerous occasions that I care too much about other people and should just listen to myself. It's the story of my life, didn't go to Scranton bc my ex was there.... ndidnt want anyone to think I followed him. If I went there I would have probably finish my damn nursing degree. Don't go awaY to school at 21, that's weird and your old. Don't go to cosmetology school you need a real degree. You should vaccinate your kid trust me. Arrrggggggg! I suppose in the overall picture of life I am happy, and without those mistakes I wouldn't be here so they were worth it.

Our jobs as the parents of ASD children is now to spread knowledge and to not be quiet about it. When one of my sibling or inlaws get pregnant I will be that nut that tells them to not vaccinate, to get the immune system work up, to get the chromosome tests, I don't want them to ever feel like this. I feel like I let my son play in traffic, and it was my job to protect him. There are nights I just lay in bed with him and pray and tell him I'm sorry if this was my fault.

No one should have to feel like this, I swear, if it comes out the government knew the whole time......I'll lose it.

Emotional Breakdown take 2

I have alcoholic tendencies.  At this point in my life I don't really drink because while I'm not a full blown alcoholic, if you put it in front of me I will drink it, and then I will want another and I will finish that too and probably want another....maybe that is alcoholism?

This is the first time in my life that I have gone through something this stressful with out alcohol.  Drinking is self medication, it helps you numb the stress, the emotions.  So maybe things going on in my life are magnified because I'm just not use to it being so raw.  Most of my days are good days, but then there are days like today that are bad.  I should be happy today because my baby made pee pee on the potty 2 x today AND he said a full sentence!

I am this strong looking mom on the outside but I'm not.  I sit here most days and do nothing.  My bathroom is horrific, the wash is never put away, forget about the dishes. Since around January, I can not get myself going.  I know it will pass but I wish I knew when.  All i do is the kids, I handle the children and even then I don't do my best.  The husband ususally ends up doing mountains of dishes and taking out the garbage, he cleans the toilet and put away the clothes, I feel bad, its my job and Im not doing it.  Someone said something about late onset post pardom......who knows, I do know I got sad after having the boy so its possible.  I'm not severe, I'm not going to flip out, but I am going to cry and I am going to want to be alone.

I should count my blessings, two beautiful children, a home, food, water, clothing.....and like a said in my status......a husband who gets out of bed and starts our families day when I rather lay in bed and sleep the world away. I feel bad because I don't really share much about my feelings and people don't realize. 

I'll be better tomorrow :/

Life Goes On, Autism or Not

My life revolves around the kids. When LP was diagnosed, my life revolved around finding out everything about Autism. It consumes you, and as you are being consumed with statistics, studies, research and so called cures, life goes on. Things happen all around you, and for me, I turned a blind eye and hope to become some Autism expert.

My husband lost his job one month after our son was diagnosed with Autism. He was a manager and blew up at someone at work. He tried to explain the stress of the diagnosis, but the HR didn't want to hear it. With a small amount of debt and just enough to get us by for 3 months my husband rear ends someone......bye bye $3,000. This whole time I ignored the situation, figured we would be ok like we always are.

Today, we ran out of money. We have nothing, unemployment will come Wednesday and cover our food and part of rent. I called all the credit card companies and sake for hardship programs, I lowered our cell phones plans. I actually applied for food stamps......I feel so humbled. I grew up with money and here I am getting food stamps. Thankfully the kids have insurance even though we don't.

I don't really know where I have been.."I've had my heads in the Autism clouds. I had no idea things were so bad. Like I've said before though, we are so blessed. My son gets all the services he needs payed by the taxes we pay, I might not be able to get biomedical treatments, but My by can get special Ed pre school. I dont know where we would be if we were in another state.

I would like to thank the other Autism parents on here.....you keep me strong, you give me hope, and you are a great community to be part of.

Next post......how July 4th was.....more upbeat, I promie!!!