Full of it....

 For the last few years I have read many different blogs from all ends of the blog spectrum.  The cureers, the bio-med types, the anti vaxers, the genetics causers, etc. etc. and at the end of the day we all love our kids.

With that said, I love my son.  I love every inch of him, his crazy hair, olive skin, little cracked toe nail, beauty mark on his cheek.  I love his giggle and smile, his imagination and his affection.....but if I was to say I don't exactly Love his Autism, I feel like I will be shunned by the autism community. 

Many times I have read the whole "I would never change my child for anything" blogs and comments....all I think is you can't be serious, your so Full of It.

I've been having a crappy few days.  This week my son went to school four days....and three of those days he bit someone.  I don't love this aspect of Autism and I wish I could shout it from the roof tops with out feeling like a bad mother. 

Day in and day out us parents work our butts off to help our children and there are some of us who will see little progress and others who will be stuck at a plateau for years.  Why can't I say I'm frustrated?  Why am I not allowed to murmur that this is not how I expected parenting to be.  Why can't I say that it hurts me to see my child having a tough time. 

If you sit here and look me in the eye and say you never regretted a moment of this, that you never wish you could change one little second of your child's life with Autism....I say to you,  your full of it.
Here it is, here is my confession, I love my son but there are things I wish I could have changed:

I wish I never had to watch my son be in pain because he couldn't communicate.  I wish he didn't eat crayons because he didn't know how to ask me for food.  I wish I wasn't as hard on him, because I didn't know.   I wish he didn't have to waste his babyhood in a room going through hours of therapy.  I wish I didn't have to put my baby on a bus for full day school.  I wish my son got invited to birthday parties.  I wish my son understood biting hurt people.  I wish he understood telling me he wanted me to die hurt me......I could go on. 

Every Ounce of my being loves that little boy.  At the same time, I think its ok for us parents to admit its not all peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows.  Its ok to say sometimes Autism sucks, it sucks because it hurts my baby, but I LOVE him no matter what <3

Things I swore My Child Would Never Do........

Thing #208 I swore the Kids would never do:  Get Toys without earning them for good behavior....

.LOL

The other night while sharing a lovely appetizer at a local restaurant I look at my children lovingly as they were being oh so pleasant.  I then proceeded to look at my husband and say "Remember when we were younger and we made fun of those parents that brought portable DVD Players to the restaurant?  I take it all back".  I said this because across the table from us were two children, one using a coloring app on Ipad and another playing Star Wars Angry Birds on a Kindle.

My husband and I have been blessed to be the first children in our families to have children, the only cousins in our age range who have children and the only couple in our original friends groups with children.  With that being said we have heard our fair share of "I would never let my kid do....." or "When I have kids I will never......"  I laugh on the inside every time....

So here we go.... The official List of Things I SWORE my kids would never do: 

1.  My kid is never going to be a video Zombie when we go out to eat, they should just eat and behave.  Kids don't need technology, they need discipline.
  
     - BAHAHAHAHA.  If it were not for technology we could never go out to eat.  So use the Ipad kid, don't forget to take a bite of your chicken.

2.  My children will clean their plates of the food I give them, even if it takes hours.

       -  "Ok take two more bites.....ok one more bite.  Just, just , just don't ask me for food later when you are hungry"  I don't have hours to sit and wait for the child to eat.  Honestly I will just pop an extra vitamin in him tomorrow.

3.  My Children will NEVER be Rude.

     - "Hey Lady!  I NEED SOME MORE APPLE JUICE" ----said the child, loudly, while standing on a chair, when he finally decided to look up from his Ipad

4.  My kids will never watch TV, especially not before the age of 2.

        -  This morning, tears of Joy streamed down my cheeks when I heard that SPROUT was now available Cablevision....... that's as far as I have to go.  You can figure out my stance on TV now.

5.  My daughter will Never look like a Slob, shes a girl, she needs to look like one.

       - I have come to realize that her lopsided pony tale and chocolate covered face can bring equal, if not greater joy to my heart then when shes all prim and proper....why?....because she was probably doing something super fun to get into such disarray.

6.  My children will not be in diapers past 2

    -  Well, Frankie's issues are different, and the fact that he is still in diapers at 4.5 is not uncommon, but still it's there.  That being said, my typical 2.5 year old is still rocking diapers too.  I swore I would have this under control, that the diapers would be a thing of the past but.....yea the best laid plans...

7.  My kids will not eat in the car

      -  If you were to go into my mini van I'm sure you could find remnants of pirates booty in most of the crevices.  Last week on our drive to Pennsylvania the kids got hungry so in a moment of insanity I threw an entire bag of pirates booty into the back seat and said have a good time......messy!

8.  My kids will never run around peoples houses/ parties in a wild manner

     -  I've counted the laps they can do around a grand piano....and cheered them on

9.  My kids will never be the trouble maker

      - 5/2/13 "Your son bit another child AGAIN today".....Friggen brilliant, my kids the biter

10.  My kids will not sleep in my bed

      -  Out of 3 kids I have only ONE that prefers to sleep alone....and when I say alone I mean alone on the couch, NOT her b
ed.  It took 3 years go get my son in his bed all night every night and with a still nursing 9 month old in the bed, it looks like he will follow the same path.  I have THREE kids....mama needs her damn sleep...even if its with a foot in my face.



Feel Free to add some of your own in the  comments, I tend to forget things......

LOOK for a Part 2 Coming SOON!

Typical Shmipical

I was getting depressed for a minute.  This is a bad time of year for me, its IEP time....and this year I should have been signing my son up for Kindergarten.  So with my mind in that yucky place, the place where i go through a million pages of paper work that point out all of my sons deficiencies with a few "he's such a sweet happy boy"s thrown in.  I read another blog post about our kids having issues playing sports and how mothers of typical kids shouldn't complain because our kids can't play team sports.  Then I came upon this......

Then I almost started crying.  I already had my gears working in my head about how when Frankie is an adult I can buy this house from my mom and stepfather and then Frankie can live in the apartment that is our apartment now since he is DOOMED to never get married or be a capable adult. 

Then I snapped out of it.  I suppose this photo was made for shock value.  It was made to freak people into awareness.  I'm not a big fan of freaking people out, because I DON'T like being freaked out.

 My son CAN play team sports, he plays sports with his fellow ASD friends.  Is it as fluid and organized as typical soccer....NO....but hes gaining social skills and there is no one to giggle at him when he runs to the wrong goal.  My neighbors son who is on the spectrum is 9.....and guess what, he plays football with typical kids.  Here is a secret, I am "typical" and I am terrible at sports.  My sport was swimming.....I was on swim team , which is an isolating sport.  My event was the 500, 20 laps, 7+minutes to be alone with my thoughts.  My son could have been born typical and STILL been crappy at teams sports, just like his mama.  :)

As for the photo....Most people will not achieve their dream or traveling the world because of finances and Life not Autism.   Many typical children won't live independently because its easier to live with mom and dad not because of Autism.  Many will not serve their country because they don't believe in war not Autism.  Many will not be leaders because honestly, being a follower is easier not because of Autism.  Some men will not fall in love, get married or raise kids because they like the bachelor lifestyle (that our culture glorifies) not because of Autism. 

I could have birthed a child who was completely typical and he too could have never done any of the above.  There is no point for me to be sitting here worrying about what he wont do.  I will never be helping my son on focusing on what he may not do. 

Typical Frankie could have been great at sports, done to a D1 school for football and injured himself his first year.  He could have then decided to pursue a career in rap while living in my basement.  As his career didn't flourish and he worked at the bank near by he would have met several girls at the club and decided living the playa lifestyle was the way to go.  He would go on to make decent money at the bank but never chose management because there is too much stress and just sitting back collecting money is easier.  He would toy with the idea of buying a house and then realizes with taxes being about 10k a year and houses averaging 400k in our area he may as well stay in the one bedroom  apartment in my basement.  At 50 he will find a woman to be his old age companion but still refuses to get married.  They stay in our house because at that point we will be in our 70's and we need some help.........

Frankie with Autism got thousands of hours of therapy in his first years of life.  He had to struggle a little harder to socialize and be on par with the rest of his peers.  In HS he had a few friends and excelled in academics.  He went to college and chose a career path where he could work and excel and his job was not socially centered, more technical.  He became a leader in his field because of his intelligence, not so much social skills.  He marries a childhood friend who also has ASD, they understand each other and have similar issues.  They have children who they monitor closely (maybe choose not to vaccinate or feed Gluten too lol) and they make enough money to put me and my husband in a fancy assisted living situation and never have to move back in ;)

Neither one of these might happen, but the truth is my sons Autism won't define his life.  I can't sit here and worry about the future, I need to be here for my son today.  I don't think scaring people about Autism is the way to get our voices heard.  It was because of those shock tactics that when i realized my son had Autism I sobbed and made the assumption he would never speak (we see that didn't happen).  I'm done comparing myself to other moms and I'm done comparing my son to other kids, he is Frankie, plain and simple, he will find his way in life and I will love whatever path he takes.

I don't know if I can handle autism......

What do you say to the person that Googles that phrase? 

I never personally Googled "I dont' know if I can handle Autism".  There were certainly times in the early days, and sometimes even now when it has crossed my mind.  The days you are locked in the house because the idea of chancing a meltdown in public is paralyzing.  The times when you can't get your child to eat anything but goldfish and bread.  When you can't handle the stares of strangers and their disgust as your child punches you in the legs. The night when you hear that little voice say, "What if all this therapy doesn't work, what if he never talks, What in God's name am I doing?!?!"

What do I say to the person who Googles that phrase?

Take a deep breath...I promise it gets better.  Its cliche, I know, but the truth is you will not feel like this everyday, not forever.  My brand of denial was being overly aggressive with my sons therapy.  They said Autism and I said he will grow out of it.  What a mentality....I jumped into therapy.  It took months for it to come out, for me to look at this jumping, grunting child and saying to myself, "How am I going to do this?"

What are YOU looking for when you Google that phrase?

I can't read your mind, but I can try and guess.  Your looking for encouragement, for a light at the end of the tunnel, for some answer. To know that the pain you feel in your heart will subside one day.  

What I hope that YOU find when you Google that phrase?

There are unfortunately many of us feeling just as you do.  We are here as a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.  I know your pain, we know your pain.  At this point in time there are more questions then answers.  You can seek and believe what you want caused Autism.  Do not beat yourself up for your child's Autism diagnosis.  Regardless of what you think caused it, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  You can handle Autism, sometimes not alone and when those times you need help remember there are other of us out here walking the same path.  The pain will never fully go away, it will subside.  Love your child and love yourself and know there is a light at the end of this journey. 

Emotional Breakdown take 2

I have alcoholic tendencies.  At this point in my life I don't really drink because while I'm not a full blown alcoholic, if you put it in front of me I will drink it, and then I will want another and I will finish that too and probably want another....maybe that is alcoholism?

This is the first time in my life that I have gone through something this stressful with out alcohol.  Drinking is self medication, it helps you numb the stress, the emotions.  So maybe things going on in my life are magnified because I'm just not use to it being so raw.  Most of my days are good days, but then there are days like today that are bad.  I should be happy today because my baby made pee pee on the potty 2 x today AND he said a full sentence!

I am this strong looking mom on the outside but I'm not.  I sit here most days and do nothing.  My bathroom is horrific, the wash is never put away, forget about the dishes. Since around January, I can not get myself going.  I know it will pass but I wish I knew when.  All i do is the kids, I handle the children and even then I don't do my best.  The husband ususally ends up doing mountains of dishes and taking out the garbage, he cleans the toilet and put away the clothes, I feel bad, its my job and Im not doing it.  Someone said something about late onset post pardom......who knows, I do know I got sad after having the boy so its possible.  I'm not severe, I'm not going to flip out, but I am going to cry and I am going to want to be alone.

I should count my blessings, two beautiful children, a home, food, water, clothing.....and like a said in my status......a husband who gets out of bed and starts our families day when I rather lay in bed and sleep the world away. I feel bad because I don't really share much about my feelings and people don't realize. 

I'll be better tomorrow :/