Just life

I meant to think of something profound and amazing to write about today.  I got nothing.  I was sure, positively sure, that something would jump out at me.  Instead I spent most of the day annoyed that regardless of what I do someone is spilling juice or something wet on my couch or rug.

This is parenthood, Autism or not, kids are just messy.  I need to really get over it I know, but today was the day when even my husband was spilling things.  I know better then to buy nice things but at some point you don't want your cheap stuff to get ruined either.

Juice cups with tops you suggest?  Oh yea we got those.  Somehow, like the juice gods are laughing at me, no matter what cup there is liquid coming out.  First next to the table....then later under the ottoman...then husband spills bowl of water he's using to shine his shoes....by the evening, when they opened the fridge and dumped an open yogurt on the floor.......

I asked the children to leave the kitchen as I was about to HULK smash the fridge. 

I think thats one of those annoying things about Autism.  The boy sometimes just doesn't get it.  He does something and no matter what action is taken, he continues to do it and never understands really why I am upset.  For the 10,000 time i say dont open the fridge, ask mommy for help.  I turn around and 5 minutes later...kids in the fridge.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Autism....Maybe Bill Cosby was right.

A Happy Feel Good Post

Just Kidding!

Well, only kidding a little bit.  I recently read a Blog by Autism Daddy called "Pulling Back The Curtain On Autism... no miracles here..."  

It made me remember one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a while and kind of disappeared.  I have one of those kids.  I have one of those kids that has come so amazingly far and one day people will probably look at him and just think he is quirky.  I felt weird because he was doing so well.

Sometimes I feel on the outskirts of the Autism community now because my sons biggest issues are mainly behavioral.  He won't eat, he won't use the potty and he has the worst temper.  In two years I went form having a stimmy Non-verbal kid who on occasion had banged his head on concrete to a Moody Teenager in a 4 year olds body.

They tell me he still has issues processing thing, transitions are still tough, he can't pay attention and he gets overly emotional when his friends don't agree to play with him.  Again, to me, his issues aren't that huge anymore and it makes me feel funny.

So my thing is, I know there is a deeper, darker side to Autism,  I think that side is played down.  So here I am bitching because my son won't eat his food and being happy that he wants to do 1st grade level workbooks and I feel like I add to the problem.

Just because my kid is Sheldon (BBT) doesn't mean all Autistic kids are.  To my fellow parents who have children more severe, know that I think of you constantly when I write.  We are on the Same journey but it is Very, very different.  Because seriously, no matter how smart my kid or your  may be, I get so annoyed when I hear "You know they say those kids with the Autism are Super genius".....ugh, If we are doing that, then Asian and Indian kids are also super smart and I am dumb as a bag of rocks because I'm Polish :)

Sometimes its Me

Since I have had children, I suffer from slight Agoraphobia.....some days Crazy Big Agoraphobia.  When I was childless I drove everywhere, did everything, saw everyone...I.Was.Awesome. 

I can only blame Autism a little in all of this, in reality its me.  It started with being fearful of my sons behaviors in public.  While he learned to control most of his behaviors, for some reason my fear and anxiety continued to grow anyway, I feel safest in my cramped apartment. 

I feel like I a doing my children a disservice.  My friends bring their kids to the park and on play dates and I am riddled with anxiety about just leaving the house.  Do I have PTSD or is this typical of mothers of three young children?  I feel like a crap mom. 

Its Saturday, I have no plans.  Kids are playing blocks and I am meandering the Internet.....and I feel like crap because the idea of putting them int he car and going anywhere is too stressful for me.  I need to grow out of this.  Till then, its blocks and Arts and crafts :)

Bleach is Not Neurotxoin.....and it didn't give my son Autism

So at our national Autism Bloggers convention we were talking about the things that people say that may or may not hurt our feelings.  Ok just kidding, well only about the convention part but the topic has come up in conversation with other blogger friends. You have to remember, we are real people behind these pages, our feeling do get hurt. 

So Here is mine.....

One night I posted how cleaning my tub with Clorox Clean up reminded me of Chaminade High Schools Swimming Pool.  I was a competitive swimmer and that pool had so much chlorine in it, its surprising I didn't die.  The irony in all of this is I am sensitive to Chlorine so I had a runny nose all swim season... but I digress.  Well a fellow Autism mom decided to write to me "Bleach is a neurotoxin, you should NEVER USE THAT EVER".  Ok well I was really just looking for a rise from my old friends I swam with, wasn't trying to make a statement here, its my PERSONAL facebook.  I went on to try and explain how i only use clorox on the toilet and tub tiles because I have a real mold problem being in a basement apartment, how I usually use natural stuff but to ME the MOLD is worse on respiratory systems then the Bleach......Oh crap...

I was met with the whole :

onions in a tub...not my tub lol

"even a drop of Bleach is detrimental to your child, how dare you blah blah blah child with Autism, blah blah blah killing brain cells blah blah blah, terrible mother blah blah MOLD IS NATURAL SO ITS OK..." 

Ok I made that last part up.  My point is, Bleach is one of the Safer cleaning products out there other then natural cleaners.  If you told me cutting up an flipping ONION and rubbing it around my tub would do the same job as the bleach and kill all the mold, I'd be on it.  It doesn't, onion + tub = Smelly, teary, sill Moldy tiled tub.

My second point is Bleach is not the cause of my sons Autism.  Its not the cause of anyones Autism, its been around since before Autism was discovered so there.  I don't understand why other people who are in the same boat as me have to "school me".   SAME TEAM here people....I think my kid got Autism after a Flu shot because he was genetically predisposed and someone thinks its from MMR and someone else things its all genetic...FINE, good I am happy.  Just dont crucify other parents in a public forum for using bleach, or not going GF/CS, not doing ABA, for continuing to vaccinate, for having more then one kid after Diagnosis, for flipping whatever.  Stop, stop talking bad to each other and listen to each others story with open minds.  Just like you never met two people with Autism that are the same....you will never meet two families who have children with Autism that are the same. 

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

 My name is........(Jay-Z music starts)

Sorry, I like to entertain myself,  I'm the Neurotypical Mom.  I'm the mother of 3, my oldest guy who is almost Four and a half has Autism.

I started this blog in 2011 about 2 months after my son was diagnosed. It was my way to cope, my way to share and my way to complain.  In the early days I had no idea what to expect, but the truth is I was scared.  I remember 6 months or so before he was diagnosed I knew, as he sat in a stroller with no speech grunting at a infant toy.  I was reading a book saying he should be able to label boy parts....um yea right.

So blog I did.....and therapy he started, TONS of therapy.  He started labeling words and a year later I was able to have a conversation with him.  Around January of 2012 I stopped blogging. I was burnt out, 3 months pregnant, worried about my daughters development, started working a new job and needed a break.

Here I am back, My son speaks, most of his stims are gone, he does Meltdown usually in the morning or if he falls asleep on the bus ride home.  He still refuses to potty train and is very limited on the foods he eats.  He has some terrible behaviors that we are aggressively working on fixing.  What you dont like being spit on?  Right now he is in a integrated 12:1:2 with OT, PT, Speech, Play therapy and 1:1 therapy.  He has Celiacs disease and is Milk gives him tummy issues, so we are going GF/CF because we have to, not because i want to "cure" him.

I'm moderate on my ideas.  My son did have a reaction to a flu shot and he DID regress and fail to progress.  Saying that, at birth he was a little different.  I follow the school of thought now that there are many different causes, so eloquently explained by Autism Daddy here.

Forgive my past whiny Blog posts......i was a mama having a hard time.  Thank you for being here as I come back :)

I don't know if I can handle autism......

What do you say to the person that Googles that phrase? 

I never personally Googled "I dont' know if I can handle Autism".  There were certainly times in the early days, and sometimes even now when it has crossed my mind.  The days you are locked in the house because the idea of chancing a meltdown in public is paralyzing.  The times when you can't get your child to eat anything but goldfish and bread.  When you can't handle the stares of strangers and their disgust as your child punches you in the legs. The night when you hear that little voice say, "What if all this therapy doesn't work, what if he never talks, What in God's name am I doing?!?!"

What do I say to the person who Googles that phrase?

Take a deep breath...I promise it gets better.  Its cliche, I know, but the truth is you will not feel like this everyday, not forever.  My brand of denial was being overly aggressive with my sons therapy.  They said Autism and I said he will grow out of it.  What a mentality....I jumped into therapy.  It took months for it to come out, for me to look at this jumping, grunting child and saying to myself, "How am I going to do this?"

What are YOU looking for when you Google that phrase?

I can't read your mind, but I can try and guess.  Your looking for encouragement, for a light at the end of the tunnel, for some answer. To know that the pain you feel in your heart will subside one day.  

What I hope that YOU find when you Google that phrase?

There are unfortunately many of us feeling just as you do.  We are here as a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.  I know your pain, we know your pain.  At this point in time there are more questions then answers.  You can seek and believe what you want caused Autism.  Do not beat yourself up for your child's Autism diagnosis.  Regardless of what you think caused it, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  You can handle Autism, sometimes not alone and when those times you need help remember there are other of us out here walking the same path.  The pain will never fully go away, it will subside.  Love your child and love yourself and know there is a light at the end of this journey. 

Im exhausted

I keep meaning to write something enlightening, something a ton of people will share and be inspired by.  Honestly I'm exhausted.  Sitting here, nursing a baby listening to "Timmy Time" on the Ipad...I doze off and start dreaming about Timmy Time and Autism.  Odd?  Yes because I was reading about Autism as I nodded off, just trying to find that amazing topic.

I don't think its going to happen tonight..

This about sums it up :)