Full of it....

 For the last few years I have read many different blogs from all ends of the blog spectrum.  The cureers, the bio-med types, the anti vaxers, the genetics causers, etc. etc. and at the end of the day we all love our kids.

With that said, I love my son.  I love every inch of him, his crazy hair, olive skin, little cracked toe nail, beauty mark on his cheek.  I love his giggle and smile, his imagination and his affection.....but if I was to say I don't exactly Love his Autism, I feel like I will be shunned by the autism community. 

Many times I have read the whole "I would never change my child for anything" blogs and comments....all I think is you can't be serious, your so Full of It.

I've been having a crappy few days.  This week my son went to school four days....and three of those days he bit someone.  I don't love this aspect of Autism and I wish I could shout it from the roof tops with out feeling like a bad mother. 

Day in and day out us parents work our butts off to help our children and there are some of us who will see little progress and others who will be stuck at a plateau for years.  Why can't I say I'm frustrated?  Why am I not allowed to murmur that this is not how I expected parenting to be.  Why can't I say that it hurts me to see my child having a tough time. 

If you sit here and look me in the eye and say you never regretted a moment of this, that you never wish you could change one little second of your child's life with Autism....I say to you,  your full of it.
Here it is, here is my confession, I love my son but there are things I wish I could have changed:

I wish I never had to watch my son be in pain because he couldn't communicate.  I wish he didn't eat crayons because he didn't know how to ask me for food.  I wish I wasn't as hard on him, because I didn't know.   I wish he didn't have to waste his babyhood in a room going through hours of therapy.  I wish I didn't have to put my baby on a bus for full day school.  I wish my son got invited to birthday parties.  I wish my son understood biting hurt people.  I wish he understood telling me he wanted me to die hurt me......I could go on. 

Every Ounce of my being loves that little boy.  At the same time, I think its ok for us parents to admit its not all peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows.  Its ok to say sometimes Autism sucks, it sucks because it hurts my baby, but I LOVE him no matter what <3

A Happy Feel Good Post

Just Kidding!

Well, only kidding a little bit.  I recently read a Blog by Autism Daddy called "Pulling Back The Curtain On Autism... no miracles here..."  

It made me remember one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a while and kind of disappeared.  I have one of those kids.  I have one of those kids that has come so amazingly far and one day people will probably look at him and just think he is quirky.  I felt weird because he was doing so well.

Sometimes I feel on the outskirts of the Autism community now because my sons biggest issues are mainly behavioral.  He won't eat, he won't use the potty and he has the worst temper.  In two years I went form having a stimmy Non-verbal kid who on occasion had banged his head on concrete to a Moody Teenager in a 4 year olds body.

They tell me he still has issues processing thing, transitions are still tough, he can't pay attention and he gets overly emotional when his friends don't agree to play with him.  Again, to me, his issues aren't that huge anymore and it makes me feel funny.

So my thing is, I know there is a deeper, darker side to Autism,  I think that side is played down.  So here I am bitching because my son won't eat his food and being happy that he wants to do 1st grade level workbooks and I feel like I add to the problem.

Just because my kid is Sheldon (BBT) doesn't mean all Autistic kids are.  To my fellow parents who have children more severe, know that I think of you constantly when I write.  We are on the Same journey but it is Very, very different.  Because seriously, no matter how smart my kid or your  may be, I get so annoyed when I hear "You know they say those kids with the Autism are Super genius".....ugh, If we are doing that, then Asian and Indian kids are also super smart and I am dumb as a bag of rocks because I'm Polish :)

Evolution

February will mark out 2 year Autiversary..... Oh the way how life has changed and Children have grown (and been born)

I stopped blogging in January of last year because I was really tired of complaining or reading other blogs that were on a constant reel of complaining.  Complaining and being negative is bad for your energy.... everyones energy and being newly pregnant, I knew it was not good for me.

Yes, when your child is first diagnosed it is stressful.  You can sit there and blame genetics, vaccines, the enviroment.  In the end I can't change it, I can't take it back  and crying and wallowing won't fix it.

So, this is evolution.  Yes I am mainly an Autism blog, but Autism is not my LIFE.  Autism is good chunk of it, my sons issues consume a lot of my time, but, just like it doesn't define him, it doesn't define me.  I'll be posting about OTHER things, other children, being a mommy, being a Christian, my job, products that rock, my husband, how terrible people drive, set backs,  progress and stupid pictures of myself with things like Pineapples and hanging out upside down..... just because I'm Neurotypical doesn't mean I'm not weird.

I'm Dr. Awesome......

and So is Jenny McCarthy.

I got my first nasty Email today.  From a girl who was an acquaintance in HS and a facebook friend later in life.  It got me thinking, which makes me want to set somethings strait for my "sycophant army" as she put it. 

First, I do NOT put out medical advice.  Any medical things I put out there are things my son is going through with the instructions of a good old MD.  This is not meant to offend anyone on the other end but I am not using a DAN! doctor at the moment, I am using a regular doctor that is seeing the light.  All doctors I have been to have been regular specialists who have no ties to Biomedical approaches, they looked at my sons blood work and said "Mrs. NT MOM this is what we have to do".  So, I do not think I am a doctor, nor am I playing one on TV or Blog land.

Second, I am not pimping out my child.  I have this nifty little Tab up in the right hand corner, it says Donate.  I put it there, because I saw on MANY other blogs that inspired me the same tab.  Never do I expect or require anyone to Donate to me.  My husband works very hard and I in turn work very hard to save money and live frugally so that we can pay to live and I can stay home and raise my children instead of having a stranger do it.  Do we struggle, yes, but do I blog asking for money NEVER...and I NEVER will.  I apologize if that tab ever offended anyone, but that was not the purpose.  As parents of children on the Spectrum, you understand that many things are not covered by insurance and I figured if a Bill Gates type one day stumbled onto my blog and liked it well.....the option was open.  So again my apologies, I never meant to offend.

Third, I do not lock my kids inside.  Holy Crap, that was taken so out of context.  This is when I get annoyed at those who "aren't living in my shoes"  There are just days where it is just not super awesome to take your tired 3 year old out in public so he can have a melt down and have people look at me.  Apparently according to this person

"you and your sycophant army can't deal with the reality that parents are responsible for their children's behaviour whether they're dying of cancer or they're just starved for attention because mommy cares more about broadcasting every moment of her life on FB while hoping the kid shuts up and reads his Ipad instead of menacing his baby sister."

Me and the attention starved children, see how he menaces his sister......um yea

 Its like no matter how hard people try to explain what life with Autism is, people still will not understand.  I spend so much time with my son its not even funny, the kid sleeps in my damn bed most nights.  Of course we are responsible for our children's behaviors, Deal God, He has  BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST for Gods sakes, all our kids do!

SO for those who think I am neglecting my children to Blog, I am sorry that you misunderstand.  I'm sorry that you don't know that I blog when they go to bed and finish them in the morning.  I'm sorry you don't realize my son is in school 7 hours a day and my daughter takes 2 - 1.5 hour naps so I have a lot of down time.  I'm sorry you don't realize that he Ipad is hidden on top of a Armoire and only used at certain times as a reward.  And that I chronicle my sons life to help other people.  I'm sorry I offended anyone, or hurt peoples feelings, that's never my intention.

I'm going back to my peaceful little place, your welcome in whenever, we have cake pops and will embrace you with Love, night folks!