I was laying in bed with my boy having a fantastic cuddle time when we decided to check the Blog out. The comments are great, the encouragement and compliments are greatly appreciated and then I stumbled on this comment from "Puzzled" :
"I'm not laughing with you. I agree that a well-placed joke can help lighten a stressful situation. But, such jokes are usually self-effacing, or are otherwise between friends. From the quips you have shared above you risk appearing arrogant, defiant and self indulgent. When any child harms someone else, whether the child is on the spectrum, has ADHD, Downs Syndrome, or any of the range of cognitive or behavioural disorders, you should be careful not to appear to dismiss & mock the situation. Learn a better coping strategy & you will get a great deal more support if you respond with maturity & humility. If you feel mortified & like you want to cry, just say that! Why is it unpalatable to be honest about autism? Your comment to a stranger, "well I guess insurance would get her a new house... awesome", was in poor taste. Yet you are critical when people won't indulge you? This whole 'they don't walk in my shoes' mentality is destructive and does not give us license to treat others with contempt."
Now for my rebuttal. I was very taken aback by many of the assumptions made in regards to my blog post. Granted I know you didn't say that I actually was arrogant, defiant or self indulgent but to make the comment that I could be seen as those lovely adjectives was a tad bit harsh. I think by assuming you know everything about my situation and who I am by one blog post can be seen as Arrogant.
Never in that post did I say that I don't fix my sons behaviors. If and when my son hurts another child or person the proper measures are taken to insure that he understands it was NOT ok and that it does not happen again. As for the candle incident I was not there, my in laws had my son, I was told about it hours later. If I was there I WOULD NOT dismiss the situation that occurred and I would take care of it properly according to our behavioral plan. As for the stranger that gave me a look, maybe I was harsh towards her.....but she is also the same woman who kneed my one year old daughter in the face because she ASSUMED she was a Dog. Why thinking kneeing a 10 pound dog is acceptable either is beyond me, but I digress.
You ask why it is "unpalatable" to be honest about Autism....I am being honest about Autism. This is it....I'm laying it all out for ya right here. My coping skills are fine, this is my coping skills. I am not saying it is not ok to cry, but I rather have my children and my husband see me as a happy mother then a mother who is sobbing in self wallowing pitty day in and day out because my son has run into the street over and over no matter how many times the issue is corrected, over corrected, disciplined, ignored.....I refuse to let this take over who I am as a person so that I can cry all day. Because THAT IS AUTISM, a crappy disorder that can bring a Grown man to his knees in tears.
"This whole 'they don't walk in my shoes' mentality is destructive and does not give us license to treat others with contempt.""
is garbage. I never have held others in contempt. Constantly I have strangers mouth off to me about my son. They ask why he doesn't talk, why is he screaming, why is he spinning, he should be nicer, he should be quiet, he should not be running. They roll their eyes at me, they give me looks of disgust and the ENTIRE TIME I shut my mouth and say nothing as to be respectful. Don't you think its those people who are taking license to treat me and my child with contempt? Just a thought.
And here some more fuel for your fire...see that picture. That was before my son was diagnosed. That day I was so frustrated with him, he was non verbal, extremely stimmy, throwing things, slamming his head into the wall.....I remember it was just a horrific day. SO I took a pic and sent it to my cousin and told her I was sending him on the train to her and he would be there in 45 minutes, just look for the sign that said "Murray". And after I took this pic I took the sign off and cuddled with my son and told him I LOVED him more than anything, and then I CRIED and rocked my baby to sleep because I had no idea what was wrong with him or how to fix it.....2 months later I found out what was wrong, and I STILL don't know how to fix it. This is my life and Im going to laugh. Thank you.
I never have held others in contempt. Constantly I have strangers mouth off to me about my son. They ask why he doesn't talk, why is he screaming, why is he spinning, he should be nicer, he should be quiet, he should not be running. They roll their eyes at me, they give me looks of disgust and the ENTIRE TIME I shut my mouth and say nothing as to be respectful. Don't you think its those people who are taking license to treat me and my child with contempt? Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteAGREE!!!! 100%%%% Could not have said it better myself!
Beautifully put with no obscenities or judgement - how DO you do that?
ReplyDeleteI proof read after I have had a cup of coffee hahaha!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome. Speak your truth. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteWendy ~ www.AutismisATrip.com
The issue is yes we do get judged all the time whether anyone acknowledges the fact. We constantly are fighting for better services for our children to be happy and well adjusted and sometimes fighting with our children for better development and behaviour. I agree if we don't laugh we cry it is stressful and it is hard to cope with tough things day in and day out. But we all have our strategies that help. Like you said a happy Mother is a better Mother, as well as the simple fact it is not our children's fault why should they feel responsible if we are sad or crying?
ReplyDeleteKerry, well said!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reposting my comments. I hope it will help them reach more people. We all like to be cheered on, but it's clearly confronting when someone dares to challenge us. I did not intend to offend, but simply add recognition to why the "we laugh so we don't cry" response could alienate you from strangers & be counterproductive for you and other carers of autistic kids.
ReplyDeleteFrom the information provided in the earlier blog I was concerned how you may appear to strangers. I am glad you have expanded on the context to some extent, but I think that it's only fair to acknowledge that sometimes your laughter will comfort you and may make other people feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean they lack understanding or compassion. They may well be concerned for you that you find something is laughable when clearly it is not. They don't know it's a cover-up!
I also hoped you would ponder whether it really is 'honest', as you kept saying, to assume the jesting role with onlookers when you say you say you feel like crying? I don't comment on whether or not you should choose to perform the happy role & stifle your emotions, nor do I suggest you should cry!!! Do whatever gets you through the day, quite frankly. Just that you repeatedly promoted it as "just being honest". As you admit, you are acting because you want people to see you as happy. You are trying to put on a happy face. Good for you. I am not judging your choices or motivation.
Never did I assume that I know you or that I understand you, or even that I am aware of more than a thin veneer of what you choose to blog regarding your situation. So I accept you may not agree with me, but I think it's unfair to assert as you have, "I think by assuming you know everything about my situation and who I am by one blog post can be seen as Arrogant".
Earlier COMMENTS in the thread refer to the "them" and "us", and how they don't know what we go through, including "they don't walk in my shoes", etc, prompted me to caution as to how destructive this mentality can be. I'll say only that we all know people who are sick of explaining about & apologising for their kids, but out of respect for others it is an effort worth making.
And whether or not I have a child on the spectrum is irrelevant. It is not a competition or fair for anyone to attempt to gauge who has the greatest challenges and therefore the most experience or the right to have an opinion. But yes, I have three autistic children, and no two are alike.
@Puzzled - Perhaps you would not be so "puzzled" if you did not bother to frequent blogs you clearly don't understand. In your apparent need to be right, you have completely missed the point.
ReplyDeleteWhy so quick to judge and castigate someone you don't even know? Simply having children on the spectrum does not make you any more knowledgeable than anyone else. Neurotypical Mom is writing about her life, her children, her family and her experience. None of that falls under "right or wrong". Perhaps you and your children would be better served if you simply showed some level of acceptance that not everyone is just like you, thinks just like you or lives just like you.
Your urgency to jump to judgement is a concern in that your children will learn to be just like you, and the world does not need another generation of people who demand that everyone be just like them. Perhaps you should add listening to the list of things you have to do each day.
You DID indeed intend to offend. If you Didnt intend to offend me you would not have ripped apart my whole blog and psychoanalized my writing as well as how people viewed me. If you meant to just make a comment you could have said something to the effect of "I find it easier personally to be real in a different way" instead of mocking the way I handle things.
ReplyDeleteI do not feel alienated in public, I have support and if someone is honestly concerned for me, they can open their mouths and ASK me not roll their eyes at me.
Yes you did assume you know me, you said "you should be careful not to appear to dismiss & mock the situation" WHO said I dissmissed anything. and yes that makes you come off as Arrogant. I don't know who came and made you the moderator of all things Autism.
If your comment had been your opinion i wouldn't care but the fact that you actually aimed it at me and anyone else who has chosen to deal with Autism in a manner of laughing things off if what annoys me.
I refuse to sit here and make this blog a place where all i do is complain insecently about how horrible my life is and that nothing can be worse then Autism blah blah blah. I think its less detremental to make light of the situation then go the dark route of chronicling how horrible my life is and how my child is making it all the more worse is that real? Is that real for you? SHould I sit here and say how my sons Autism has put a huge strain on my family and my interpersonal realations because of my child?
I think its a horrible to chronical the horrors because that's being real. I hope to God People who write Blogs like that don't have children that grow up to read, so that they can read about how much of a burden they were on their family and about how they crapped on the rug till they were 8.