Is Three a Charm?

No, I'm not pregnant, nor are we even talking about getting pregnant.  The thing is today I had a mini melt down as I was packing Frankie's summer clothes away to be shipped off to someone else.  In the past year I have just gotten rid of clothes and stopped saving them for "the next baby" like I use to.  Even with Lia, I kept the things i thought were cute and shipped the rest away to family who had a baby girl.

So in the mess of emotions and anxiety I called my mom and said I'm keeping the last season of clothes.  She said she would store them, basically I have boxes of clothes stashed in various relatives houses with the cute items I cant let go of. 

Then the emotions came up, should we ever contemplate another child in the future or should I throw in the towel.  At 27 and 29 we didn't feel we should make a permanent decision, but with one child on the spectrum and one with a Diva attitude (I kid, sort of) should we chance a 3rd?  And if that 3rd was a boy, who grew to be typical, who grew to be the things we dreamed for  Frankie, would it feel like we replaced our first son?  And am I a horrible mother for assuming that Frankie wouldn't grow up to achieve greatness....

A Ball of emotions, that is me today.  This happens every time i switch the clothes out.  I don't know what it is about them.  I'm not a psychic of any sorts but I can hold things and it will flood me with emotions and memories, i just cant let the clothes go.

I'm keeping them, time will tell.  Right now, i just don't know

What is a Neurotypical Mom?

What is a Neurotypcal Mom? A NT Mom has a child or two or more on the Spectrum, maybe she even has a husband or a sibling on it too. She is smart and beautiful inside and out. She loves her children both diverse and typical. She wakes up every morning regardless of how she feels. There are days the stress is too much to bear and others that bring great joy. She spends hours implementing therapies and seeing doctors. She becomes a nutritionist who sorts through foods, reads labels, mixes supplements and vitamins to recover her child's gut. She is an advocate for more education and awareness. She worries for her child future but is hopeful her child will shine. She smiles,laughs and cries, everyday is a surprise. She is a warrior whos knowledge and wisdom grow as the years go by. She is there to hold the hands of the parents of the newly diagnosed, to help them through the fog. She is fantastic, she is superior, she is the best thing since sliced bread. I am The Neurotypical Mom and So are You!!

My other child......My Baby DIva

This is my daughter, I call her Baby Diva.......her real name is Lia.  I will still call her Baby Diva because she is just that.  That is unless her brother is not around. She was born before diagnosis, I believed my son would outgrow his behaviors and weird eye things before she was born......he didn't. 

I feel like I lost the last 10 months with her.  I birthed her, I bonded to the best of my ability.  When she was 4 months old people started coming in and out of our home 17 hours a week.  They came to play with her brother and not her, they interrupted our quiet nursing moments and alone time I had hoped for.  Truthfully, I knew it would be different her being the second, but I wasn't ready for how different.  I just dealt with it and tried to ignore that she was growing up so fast and I was paying more attention to her brother then her.  As she grew she became louder and more opinionated I will say.  I could never understand why she screamed.....she just SCREAMS and complains and throws tantrums.  If this is what its like at 10 months I will never live through the terrible twos and I will run away before she is a teenager. 

A few weeks back though,  I saw another side of this chubby little girl.  My son went to grandmas over night and suddenly I was holding the sweetest baby in my arms.  She played little hand games and climbed on me, she didn't cry, she didn't scream she just laughed.  This is not to say she does not laugh when her brother is around, it's just different.  It was me and her, connecting and laughing.  I mentioned it to my husband and he didn't believe me.  He thinks shes crazy (I'm serious she ALWAYS screams) .  Tonight LP is at grandmas again and my husband says to me " you know, she IS a lot calmer with out him around"  She let her daddy hold her (never happens) and she made cooing noises and babbled.  No screaming.  She went to bed and now I have been sitting here for hours with nothing to do.  IS this what its like to have just a typical child?

Its dawned on me that she really loves her brother and the screaming is for attention.  Its also because when she follows him I usually take her away because I'm not 100% sure he can play nicely with her.  She wants to be with him, she wants to be LIKE him.  They feed off of each other, he screams she screams and visa verse!  He loves her, he hugs her (roughly) he kisses her (hard) but he does not want to play with her.  He takes toys from her and knocks her over, its a constant battle between the two.....and then more screaming.  He doesn't understand its wrong, he says he is sorry, but I don't know what he understands about apologies.

I feel bad for her.  I feel bad because I have not bonded with her the way I did with her brother.  I let her cry in a crib and that's where she sleeps......my son slept with us till he was 2ish.  She frustrates me, she always screams and that makes me so upset.  There is nothing medically wrong, but it dawned on me that she needs/wants the attention.  Imagine people came to your house 3+ hours a day and played with your sibling and not you?  Your mother blocked off your pathway to your brother as to keep you safe (but you dint understand that).  Imagine every 30 minutes your mom put your brother on the toilet and gave him candy and left you alone with some stupid blocks in the living room.

Today I got it.  I understood.  I looked her in the little baby eyes and said I would try harder.  I know this will be her life, her brother will always be different and it will be something she will learn to work with.  I need to make sure she knows I love her so much even when I don't show it.  I am both sad and excited for LP to start school.  In his 3 years on this earth I have attachment parented him and bonded with him and have formed a relationship that can not be broken (he loves his mama <3 ).  I hope that this fall I can start that with her, maybe a little later than with him, but just so she knows she is special too.  My special, Beautiful, Baby Diva!

 Resources and Articles re: Sibling of Autistic Children:

Autistic Kids: The Sibling Problem

The Others: Siblings and Autism

 Balancing Their Needs

Autism and Siblings

Lemon Flavored Milk

If you a fan on my Facebook page, you will know that I gave LP a spoonful of this fish oil....and he spit out.  Ok maybe not spit, but let it all slowly flow out of the corners of his mouth.  This morning, I decided to mix it with his milk , I'm not sure what I was thinking.  Oh yea, I remember what I was thinking......I was thinking, I spend a decent amount of money on this and it better get into his body and not on my fabric chair cushions.

Its taken two hours for him to get the milk down, something that usually takes about ten minutes.  I was getting annoyed, until he offered me a sip (he likes to share food and drinks with me), i said no thank you but he shoved the sippy cup my mouth.  I unfortunately got a drop of milk in my mouth.......Dear Lord it was gross.  Ugh, God Bless this kid, it was lemon flavored milk yucko.  I tasted a spoonful yesterday and that was better than mixed with milk, uck I'm a horrible mother.  I will have to find something new to mix it with, I wonder how apple juice will work.....I wish he swallowed pills.

Allow me to re-introduce myself my name is.......Mom

My name is Mom......Neurotypical Mom. The Mother of a soon to be 3 year old son on the spectrum and a (so far) NT 9 month old daughter. The Wife to a wonderfully different husband, who after much research, we believe is also on the spectrum.

Life has not been easy, but I dont think its suppose to be. Everyday is something new, good and bad. Even with the struggles, I would never change a thing......this is our life, this is our story.

I love you all.....

<3 NT MOM