Evolution

February will mark out 2 year Autiversary..... Oh the way how life has changed and Children have grown (and been born)

I stopped blogging in January of last year because I was really tired of complaining or reading other blogs that were on a constant reel of complaining.  Complaining and being negative is bad for your energy.... everyones energy and being newly pregnant, I knew it was not good for me.

Yes, when your child is first diagnosed it is stressful.  You can sit there and blame genetics, vaccines, the enviroment.  In the end I can't change it, I can't take it back  and crying and wallowing won't fix it.

So, this is evolution.  Yes I am mainly an Autism blog, but Autism is not my LIFE.  Autism is good chunk of it, my sons issues consume a lot of my time, but, just like it doesn't define him, it doesn't define me.  I'll be posting about OTHER things, other children, being a mommy, being a Christian, my job, products that rock, my husband, how terrible people drive, set backs,  progress and stupid pictures of myself with things like Pineapples and hanging out upside down..... just because I'm Neurotypical doesn't mean I'm not weird.

Prisoner

Does anyone else ever feel like a Prisoner in their own home because of Home Services?  My 720sq foot home is getting to me today.  I use to have days where I could get out at least in the afternoon, but now with the new summer schedule I'm pretty screwed.  I guess I'm just sad that I have a 2-3 hour gap between morning therapy and afternoon therapy and they by the time the last one is over its 3:30.

I feel like my son has had the crappiest summer ever.  3 Hours just isn't enough to go to the beach, maybe enough to go to the pool but I feel so rushed.  It's no ones fault I guess, I'm just down about it.  Today for example I projected my anger on my husband.  He goes to his MMA/Brazilian Jui Jitsu classes in the morning when LP has therapy and then at night if he is off from work.  So today of course I am a huge bitch and i go off about us not doing anything today.....to which is says "well what do you want to do, I suggested going swimming and you said no".  Grrr got me there I did say no.  Truth is I don't even know what I want to do, I just want to not look at these walls.  I said "i want to go out too and do things.  I want to go get my nails done"....to which he replies, "ok, i will take the kids go get your nails done." I said no.  "Hey do you want to go to that bar your cousin is guest bartending at.  Leave the kids for a little" he asks.  Again I say NO.....DAMN IT, I'm too controlling to leave the kids.  

I am so controlling, I need to control all situations.  I complain because I want to do things, but given the opportunity I don't because I cant handle not being in control of the kids.  I'm probably doing my husband a disservice since I don't let him do anything.  Well I let him to dishes, make money, put things together and put LP to sleep.

So really I do this to myself.  But honestly, I wish I had more time to do things with LP.  I'm so sad about him starting school I am holding back tears.  Its just not fair.  I hate you Autism

Autism......and my marriage

We use to be fun.......fun, fun, fun.  I don't think our fun disappeared because of the Autism, I think it was more the whole becoming parents thing.  We never fought, we always had money and we were always partners in crime.  Now its a struggle to stay on the same page, my husbands inability to realize that our son wont be "cured" and the fact that we have nothing in the bank that is making it our lives a Roller Coaster Ride.

I don't believe the statistic about 90% of Autism families end up in divorce blah blah blah, I believe those people would have ended up divorced anyway.  I feel like its some inflated number to scare the crap out of people.  Is it harder, yes, but does i mean I walk away from my marriage because we aren't on the same page about discipline....NO.

I might ruffle some feathers with the next thought on my mind....but that's ok.  Sometimes I think we are so obsessed with the idea of Autism that we completely forget about our spouse.  Do I think everything in my marriage is my fault, no, but I don't help things.  Since my son got diagnosed all i do is read and do research.  I talk and talk and talk about ASD to everyone.  I blog, I comment, i video tape.  I concentrate so much on my son, that i forget my daughter, I forget God and I forget my husband.  Then all the reading makes me grumpy and I'm a huge bitch.  I yell at everyone, i freak out over nothing and i slip into the stupid depression I am pre-disposed to (thanks family history).

So no, its not the Autism itself, its the parents grasping and clawing their way through it, trying to help their kids communicate, make them feel better, to calm their children's nerves......you end up loosing yourself, how can you not loose each other?

I use to be funny......I use to do funny dances and stick straws up my nose, I had fun stories, I had friends, i use to put on make up and do my hair, I sung in my car, I had a great collection of big sunglasses, I use to give a shit what my house looked like, I use to be optimistic, I use to dream,.........and stupidly I lost all that because I'm so self absorbed in a damn disorder that I cant win against.  I watched my neighbor throw tens of thousands of dollars in the garbage on EVERYTHING......and her son still wont say a word......he wont look at us.  She says I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky he looks at me, that he says he loves me.

Listen, I'm not saying I'm giving up, or that I'm not going to to my damn best to help my son, but I think for the sake of our marriages and our sanity some of us need to step back.  I wish i was like my husband, hes so "well I had the same issues and I turned out fine, I don't know why your shoving fish oil down his throat"  I got annoyed, but he had a point.  I've also left him out of it all, i go about my business dealing with things, doing new things and I don't even tell my husband what I'm doing......its like I forgot he existed.  Sucks, i feel like a great mother and a crappy wife.  I hope I can balance this out some how

To my husband

. My husband use to tell me I was crazy when I brought up the idea of Autism. Truthfully, I thought I was crazy too. When you are new at this, you don't really understand what they mean by a spectrum, you think you know, but you don't. You have preconceived ideas that autistic kids have no future and that this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to you.

When LP was diagnosed I wasn't particullary surprised and I was super positive, but my husbands face said it all. I understood, this is your son, the boy who was named after you, the boy who you told yourself would grow up to be the best athlete, on honor roll, perfect in ever way and some psychologist just told you that might not happen. Add on top that your son displays all the same behaviors you did at the same age.....the difference is that your son does not talk. What can the guilt feel like if you believe it was you who hereditarily passes this on, but with worse symptoms?


Today it was brought to my attention that several people thought that I was such a great mom for having to have this happen to me. That I must work so hard and be so stressed. That I put my kids first and spend money on toys, and therapies. That I must be so strong, like superwomen.....then I got the question, "does your husband ever let you get a break"

Dear friends.....I am not that strong. I know people believe that everything written on Facebook must be true....it's not. I post here and on my Facebook how wonderful everything is, how everything Is rainbows and unicorns and that my son will be one of those genius autistic children and be the next Bill Gates and I am the best mom and best wife and I can do it all. It's all crap.

The sane one is my husband. The quiet, grumpy looking husband who never doubts my son. The husband that pushes my son to do things when I baby him. The husband who works 54 hours in 4 days. the husband who brings me home ice cream after Working all day just because. The husband who let me spend money we didn't have at home goods to make me feel better (but then when I found out we couldn't afford it I got sad again haha). The husband who took care of the cleaning around the house on top of working the week before CPSE because I was in such a deep dark depression that no one knew about.

Remember behind every strong autism mom, is a strong autism dad.....just because he isn't front and center, doesn't mean he's not that mamas rock. I love you hubby.