Friday, November 20, 2015
I have a que of unfinished blog posts waiting to be revised and published but I can not let this one be one of those pieces left to rot in my blogger back page.
This week my daughter was Star of the Week. We got to fill out a paper about her and have her bring in toys and items to tell her friends all about herself and her interests. Woo hoo The end! No..... On Tuesday morning my Doe eyed beauty looked up at me and said " you need to make me cupcakes because I'm the star, I think you should make them tonight and bring them in Wednesday".
I looked at that Angelic face and said "Since WHEN do I need to make cupcakes for this too?" It was a mixture of embarrassment as well as annoyance, had I forgotten some special mom thing I needed to do in order to make my daughter fit in and if so WHY? Wednesday morning I asked her teacher if this cupcake thing was the norm only to have her look at me with eyes that said no, this has gotten out of control....... She said.... "no no no , if you want to you can but one mom brought them in one week and then every other kid brought them in after so believe me, if you don't it's not a big deal. Friday we are having a birthday so if you want you can bring another snack if Lia wants"
I long for the days before social media (even though its my guilty pleasure) and Pinterest. The days before I could be shown how inadequate I was. I scroll through Facebook seeing these amazing projects and birthday parties and feel like the worlds least magical mother.
My kids have never been to Disney, I don't have birthday parties at places, I don't go over the top with Santa, I don't like baking and On their birthdays they don't woke up to a living room full of gifts and streamers and waffles with ice cream. According to Modern Mothering I'm an A-hole.
Motherhood has become this Marathon which creates anxiety and insanity in all of us. I like to think we are running this marathon and we are hoping that when its done these kids ended up OK. Apparently in this day and age at the end of this marathon the kids not only need to end up OK, they need to be well rounded, popular, happy, successful, honor role achieving super athletes who are going to better the world and I had to do it all while Selling the Idea that the world is made of Unicorns and rainbow and hopefully I will be lucky I'm not dead at the finish line.
Everyday we have a damn activity to go to and this week I cancelled 2 of them because i just couldn't. I'm literally so exhausted I fall asleep in places not meant for sleep. A little over a month ago I fell asleep at my kitchen table scanning patient files for work. I fell asleep with my chin on my hand and proceeded to lose my balance, fall and crack my head on the floor. ER visit, CT scan ,concussion and 4 days of wooziness later I was back at the madness. I told myself I was going to slow down and it didn't happen.
I promised my daughter I would bring Pretzels to school as her special snack for Star of the week. As I grocery shopped i realized I forgot to send the damn things in. My mind was on work (I work from home) I needed to fax over and I completely forgot. So I ran o the pretzel aisle and bought some Start stickers, threw them in a pretty bag and ran to the school. That extra trip had me late to pick up my youngest at school so i had to run there. I ran home so I could then fax over work stuff and find paperwork my husband needed and as i did all this running I slipped on my rug, twisted my ankle, fell and hit my head on banister to the stairs.
I sat on the floor for a minute....i called my husband, my step mom and my mom. My mom said she thinks i need to slow down. I think I need to slow down too but is it realistic? I'm sitting here typing when I am suppose to be at a play date in 13 minutes and then in 3 hours I need to be at pack night for cub scouts, then i need to feed all the kids and put them to bed because tomorrow i need to wake up and go shopping for birthday gifts because we have two birthday parities this weekend...... and next week is Thanksgiving nonsense at school. Yes I know that was a major run on sentence but that's how i feel like my life and most moms I knows life has become..... an INSANE run on sentence with no breaths in between.
I'm not sure when the turning point came for this new motherhood we are in. Maybe it was when women went to work, when we had the choice on the life we wanted to lead....and then slowly the choice was taken away since we needed two incomes to survive. Having the two incomes didn't bring freedom or change women's roles, we just ended up more tired. I'm tired.
I think we all need a break....... who wants to form a Mommy Union with me?