Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Little Boy That Could - Written 6/18/14 but Never Published here

That Picture......These pictures have only started coming home in Frankie's back pack in the last few months.  I'm not sure if he just didn't have the time or maybe his creativity hadn't peaked yet, but all these lovely drawings are new to me.  Some I hang up and some I stow away in a special cubby he has that house crafts since he started school at 3.

This picture was different.  I found it, like others before, and placed it on the kitchen table and smiled.  Through out the course of the night he was obsessively asking for new crayons and after about an hour asked me for a stapler.  I questioned what he was doing, then he told me he needed to show two children, in the mainstream class , that he too could draw and color in the lines.  If you have yet to read my about section, my son was diagnosed with Autism at 30 months.  Since then he has been in some sort of intense therapy and at age three began full time 8am-3pm schooling 5 days a week. OT, PT, Speech, etc. etc.    He now is in a special Ed class and is mainstreamed certain parts of the day.

  So here he sat, holding this picture,  telling me about how he was told he was not a very good drawer and never stayed in the lines.  He started getting upset because no one could tell that the orange figure on the right was a tick tock crock and how he should have used green but he was too terrible at coloring.  That thing in the middle.....its the Jolly Roger, Captain hooks boat, but no one could tell because he was a bad drawer and he should be better.

I'll be honest, at first I was angry.  I was angry that anyone would tell him he wasn't good.  It took close to two years to get him to hold a pencil right and now hes stressed out about his drawing abilities.  Of course I took a step back and realized that no Five or Six year old is going to understand the mountain that Frankie has climbed.  The mere fact that he had enough imagination to think up this scene from Jake and the Never land Pirates and then tried to produce it on paper while sitting quietly in a mainstream classroom was a friggen miracle.....no one could know that.

My son began to cry the more I insisted that his drawing was amazing, he cried because he said he would never be good.....and then I cried.  I sat on the floor of his room and cried and cried that he was upset and then I cried  because I was glad he had enough emotion and realization of the world around him now that he could cry.  I sat him down on his desk chair and said..... "let me tell you a story about a little boy I knew...."

I told him a story......It went like this...... "Once upon a time there was a tiny little boy.  He didn't talk at all!  He liked to spin wheels and never answered to his name.  His mommy and daddy thought his ears were broke and he cried all the time.  The boy liked to jump all day and when he got angry he would hit his head, bite and hit others.  He didn't know how to play with his toys, friends or anything!............  He is now looking at me like I'm insane...........  Then one day the mommy called the doctors who told her that the little boy had Autism.  They told her that they didn't know what could happen.  The mommy and daddy even got the boy an Ipad because they didn't know if he would ever talk.  The little boy had teachers come to his house everyday for HOURS to teach him to play and listen and learn to talk....the little boy was so upset, he didn't think he couldn't do it sometimes and he would even try and throw tables........ Insert Wide eyed shocked look from my son now............... But the boy kept trying and trying and he surprised everyone, no one thought he could do the things he would do, some people didn't believe in him but his family and teachers sure did.  He tried so hard to learn new things and he did great at all of them.  Now he is doing awesome and still learning to do new things everyday!"........  Then I ask him.... "Do you know that boy?"  of course he says no.  So it came as quite a shock when I explained to him that, I had just told him the story of him.  I said "There were days I didn't think I would hear your voice ever and people told me they weren't sure if you would say more then one word at a time but you worked so hard and now your a great talker.  If you could learn to talk and write and play nice with your friends, I promise you, you will learn to draw". 

Frankie said ok.  I told him we would start working on learning to draw things tomorrow.  I asked him what he wanted to learn first and his reply was "I think maybe a star"

He is my star and tomorrow I will show him how to draw one <3

Monday, November 10, 2014

DIY Beach Hair.......

Quick tutorial on how to get "Bed head/beachy hair"

OK get ready....

  1. Take Shower
  2. DO NOT brush your hair
  3. Put hair up in messy bun
  4. Pour a HUGE glass of wine
  5. Drink the Wine
  6. Fall asleep 
  7. wake up
  8. Be scared of your reflection
  9. Undo Bun
  10. Put on a headband to look like you care
  11. Wipe left over mascara out from under your eye
  12. Drop child off at school. 

There you have it.  

The Neurotypical Moms Guide to Bed head hair....... just get out of bed.

You can throw on some sunglasses to make you look Hollywood

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Thats me....Thats us

That's me, standing partially on a soccer field biting my nails.  I never bring a chair, I have never been able to sit down.  That's me, holding my head in my hands, then moments later holding my crying sons head in them also.

He wanted to play a sport and soccer is what he chose.  Coming out of an amazing year in Kindergarten and a relatively calm summer, I chose to put him in an intermurals team that was for typical children.  I may have made a mistake.....no, I made a mistake.

That's me running between two fields, one with my four year old daughter and the other with my son. That's me missing my daughters first goals because I have to wonder if my son will hit yours.  This is me looking like a basket case on the sidelines crying, crying because my son can't process and handle his emotions when your son says he's stupid.

There are days I wish I could hang a sign around my neck, or our necks that say "my son has Autism....yes i know he doesn't look it"  (whatever the F that means) .  I use to think the sticker on my car was obvious enough but, its not.  You see my son, he looks like your son...except mine is talking obsessively about numbers.  My son is socially awkward and anxious and your son picks that up.

That's me pacing up and down the sidelines, I see whats going to happen before it does.  That's me yelling "Frankie!" .  I'm sure half the parents think I'm some psycho helicopter parent, I don't want to be.  I want your kid to stay safe, my sons new response to your child's unkind words it to kick him.

Your kid kicked my kid....because my son is "weird".  You respond, "just stay away from him, stay away from that kid".  That's me wiping away my tears.  As much as bullying words hurt, parents telling their children to stay away from my son, that hurts just as much.  That's me dragging my sobbing son off a soccer field for running full force into another child....for no real reason.  Maybe you think I'm overly strict, maybe you think I'm being too hard on him.  That's me dragging him off early because i can't stand to cry in front of you all.

That's my son.....walking to apologize to your son....who ignores him because he was instructed to stay away from that kid.  Mine stands there defeated and yells, "I tried, they walked away"

That's us....walking off the field, defeated.  I waited to cry till I thought my son couldn't see me.  He saw me, he began to sob himself.  He made promises I know he can't keep, we have one more day of soccer, he made me promises.

The next time you see people like me, a family like us.....give them the benefit of the doubt.  Don't assume that child is bad, don't assume that mother is incompetent, teachyour children to be kind.

One....More.....Practice......God, let him get through that last practice, I'm going to have a positive attitude, because that's just me.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Im Going to Judge

If you know me, you know I'm the least judgmental person out there.  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, its just in my nature.  During the Kelli Stapleton trial, I kept my mouth shut.  I haven't commented, not once on the other parents who killed their autistic children.....that is till today.

Maybe its the manner in which Jillian McCabe killed her son... the idea,.....the thoughts that must have been going through that child's mind as his own mother threw him off of a bridge.  Just because a child is non- verbal, does not mean he does not understand.  I read THIS article, and watched the videos....I want to be sick.

I know what it is really.  Its that our boys were the same age....they are both 6.  Both our sons were diagnosed in February 2011.  While our boys are on different levels of the spectrum......today all I could picture was me....throwing my 6 year old off a bridge.  Truth is, I couldn't imagine it.  As difficult as Frankie's issues have been on us, mentally and financially....if I was depressed, I'd kill myself .  To hurt your child..... I have no words.  SO judge me for for judging Jillian McCabe, but I'm going to.  She's an asshole.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


Yes.....Soccer.  That's the title.....Nothing fancy.  This is what I base my come back on.....Friggen Soccer.

I left blogging for a little because I was tired.  It wasn't some move to gain sympathy and cries to not go like some others do.  I was just tired and out of material.  Frankie did amazing in Kindergarten, and that basically left me with no material.  Its hard to connect sometimes with other special needs families when all you say is "He's doing AMAZING" blah blah blah

Well thankfully for all of you Summer and the first few weeks of school have been less then AMAZING!   Yay Material back!

I thought it was time....it was time to get him involved in some typical kid things.  I right away new we were doing cub scouts and that sign up was done.  Then came a night in August while drinking my second glass of wine and watching some terrible reality show about parents who put their kids in too many sports, I decided I was signing BOTH my kids up for soccer.  

The next morning, I confessed to my husband that in my buzzed state I proceeded to take his credit card from this wallet and sign our kids up for soccer.....oh and not the special needs kind, no no, the typical kind.

So Saturday and Sunday mornings I was to report to the soccer field....3 kids in had, 2 in different age groups on different fields.  My daughter cried the first 2 weeks....then became a Super Star
Hot Pink Socks is mine :)

The boy.....well The boy.   Frankie started out thinking, he LOVED soccer.  He loves to kick the ball, yay soccer.  What we he did not anticipate was kicking that ball and maybe having other people take it, or get run into, or miss a goal, no, that he was not prepared for.  Soccer is over in 2 weeks....and up until this weekend, my son or I left crying from soccer, without fail.  There were days he had social anxiety and would hit, days kids called him a name and he took it to another level, days he threw himself on the floor because he was tired.....days he was ejected from games.

Its hard when parent volunteers are coaching.  They don't know what a child on the spectrum is like....have no clue how to deal with him.  I have this huge sense of guilt as I leave my 4 year old on a field across the grass and hover over my 6 year old praying he won't hit someone.

Last week I made a public wish.  I wished that we could make it through a weekend of soccer without one of us crying.  Saturday is practice and luckily he likes just practice so we made it through all tear free.  I woke up Sunday morning, started at the ceiling and thought....I can't do this, I can't do another Sunday of madness.

Soccer was at 11 and I'm pretty sure I didn't decide till 10 that we would go.  I knew they might be doing pictures that day.... if you know me, I love a good picture and so we got ready.  I did the whole talk in the car, "hands to ourselves, nice words only, if someone says your a loser say I don't care".......I do this everyday.  My stress turned to thankfulness when I saw the guy who runs the soccer club was working with Frankie's group.  I gave him the quick heads up on Frankie's previous weeks.  He put Frankie in goal (F WORDS FFFFFFF)....weeks prior Frankie had been in goal and had a meltdown.  To my surprise Coach K actually got in the goal with Frankie and helped him out, teaching him what he had to do instead of just letting him stand there.  Coach also made HUGE...and I mean HUGE deals out of what Frankie accomplished, the positive reinforcement was over the top, even in my book.  He stayed in goal, he liked it and hour later he was smiling for his team photo.

My wish came True.  This weekend there were no tears at Soccer....Hallelujah.  Only 2 weeks left!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Giving Money to Those who Need?

The back story to yesterdays Question goes like this:

Maybe I shouldn't have asked if you give money to Pan handlers because that's not really what the woman i saw was.

There have been times where i went to pay for something and didn't have enough money.  At least twice its happened at Walgreens, where I walked out all red faced and wished I was the recipient of a person wanting to give out good gestures and pay for my children's diapers.  Any time this has happened, I've said to God out loud, "God, please, if there ever is a person in front of me who is embarrassed like that, please let me have enough money to pay their tab. 

Its never happened......Then yesterday, I ran to walgreens to get diapers of course.  I counted my cash and was pleasantly surprised at how much money I had from painting, I thought maybe I'd buy myself a present for being awesome, maybe some makeup. 

I get to the door and see a woman in her 50's or early 60's smoking a cigarette and shaking, she looked like she had been through the mill.    People are ignoring her and walking away.  She comes up to me and says "Miss, my car is out of gas over in the villas, i just need to get home can I have a few dollars I can........"  Before she finished I blindly reached in my wallet and handed her enough money to get her a half tank in a small car I'm sure....I said, "just take it" and walked away. 

IT was only after that I started thinking maybe she was a career panhandler, with some sob story that wasn't true.  I'm over it now, I rather believe she had no gas and here is why.

This past year was SUPER Shitty for us.  My husband lost 2 jobs and then the Third filed for Bankrupcy protection....all while our paychecks were bouncing all over the place.  I had started my own second business (my first is Thirty-OnePainting Furniture to make money for things like Pre-school.  Then the company going bankrupt let go half their staff...... Here I was in November, with $124 in the bank with no Christmas gifts for anyone and barley enough money to purchase food since I have a kid with a fancy allergy to Wheat.

I busted my rear painting but was stuck in the predicament of not having the $ to buy the supplies, but not having the portfolio or experience to be demanding large deposits.  SO, I Internet panhandled.

I said a prayer and set up an Indegogo.  I want to add I did not ask family for $ at this point, I don't want people to think they wouldn't help (because they actually did!) but I'm too prideful to ask them to help AGAIN.  My request was for people to help me start my business.  I didn't want people to blindly give me money and think I was going to go wild with it.  I in all honesty wanted to be able to buy supplies so I could work.  You know that whole "if you teach a man to fish " thing.....that  was my idea.

After 25 days, I had three donations....all three from wonderful bloggers who saw a woman in need....not a mooch.  There are a few blogs where people are constantly asking for money, I'm not talking a donate button, i mean True asking constantly.  They become professional pan handlers of the Internet, just like the ones you see in the city.

Here I was, a mom, asking humbly for help and I was ignored because of how people were burned by professional pan handlers.

Like me, I didn't know if this woman was a pro or really out of gas.  What if i just ignored her because I had been scammed before?  So I blindly gave, because people blindly trusted and gave to me.

Its been a few months but, Thank you P, B, &M.  Your help, even if you thought it was small, really cheered a sister up and gave me a little boost.  In The Park is doing amazing and I have you to thank :)

Monday, February 3, 2014


I read a blog not too long ago (but long enough ago for me to forget which one) regarding how PERFECT Instagram can make our lives look.  While I'm sure this topic has been covered many times before, I am going to go as far to say that ALL Social Media sites Skew reality.....we know this right?

Even with us all knowing that what we see on out computer/phone/tablet screens is superficial crap we still feel the pangs of jealousy and longing for our lives to be just as perfect as everyone elses.  I see families of perfect children smiling in perfect outfits  in front of a perfect houses and cringe....why is that not us?

 Why, why, why?  Why are my kids messy?  Why are the kids defiant?  Why cant I manage to do my hair every day?  Why am I not baking some awesomeness for my family?  Why am I a short order cook?  Why is the highlight of my day peeing alone?  Why don't I have a bigger house? Why do I answer the phone like a nasty person?  Why am I overweight?  Why am I not into Crossfit?  Why do I really love savory foods that then land on my hips?  Why don't I home school?  Why didn't I go back to school?   Why WHY does everyone elses life look better then Mine?

Why?  because its not reality.  Because a lot of it is showing off.  I'm not sure if we are looking for acceptance when we post how friggen awesome we are or some sort of validation.  I'm lead to believe is a little of both, but we never realize how crappy we can make others feel....because no one is perfect. 

   I could go on forever on this but let me zoom in on the perfect family photo Phenomena.  I actually do have a few beautiful family photos of the five of us frolicking in the sand.  I don't know how people perceive us because I don't bother to ask and most of the time I don't care.  Its possible that someone may be jealous of these gorgeous photos of us and our children, they look so perfect but let me break it down for you......

On this July day I put all my kids in the car...dressed in friggen WHITE.  I then had to convince my husband it would be fun since on his only day off he had to now have a photo shoot and he thought he needed a hair cut.

Get to the beach to meet our beautiful and talented photographer Kimberly Jean.   My oldest is now off the wall hyper and excited to see her.  Walk 10 miles to the beach site (ok not really) with 3 reluctant children who want Cheetos (they are wearing WHITE).  Take pictures of the baby who is always pretty compliant as the two older children are running through beach grass and picking up tics I'm sure.  Just as we are getting ok with the set up Mosquitos pop up.  Because the photographer is smarter then me, she has bug spray on hand....now spray reluctant kids with bug spray, screaming ensues.  Move to dunes....kids are rolling in dunes, I am having an anxiety attack at the thought of Lyme disease.

Oh look they are hugging..... five seconds later someones being pushed down a sand dune.  As for us getting a group photo, those 2 above were picked out of several shots.  The standing one was achieved by letting Frankie run from the top of the dune down the mountain where I screamed that I was FULL of Helium and he needed to hold on to my leg so I wouldn't float away.....yes that's 100% true.  While the second was us and three very hyper kids,  convulsing and squirming to get out of our arms as we both laughed in disbelief because this is too crazy.  Please God make it stop and pray that this photo shoot comes out ok.

There are so many others that came out perfect through all that and I posted every single one of them to portray My perfect Family.  I mean seriously, we look like some  family models or something.  Then Christmas came and I posted this one....

Right before my son went running through a tree farm demanding we find some treasure....after my youngest threw himself off the box and all during the time my daughter was making these horrible faces.

All of the above are split seconds of what looks like perfection.....in reality its just chaos, real life, honest to God chaos.  Something we all live with and should embrace instead of trying to hide.

I stopped trying to be perfect on social media a long time ago.  Some people think I'm nuts, I think its funny.  I love to show off my messy life, maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm not alone but maybe I'm helping someone realize They are not alone.  I guess its another form of validation. 

So yesterday I started #typicalmomcrap356 on FB, instagram, or whatever.  At least one photo a day of my imperfect, mundane, typical, non pintersty mom life.  I don't like feeling inadequate or imperfect and I don't want to ever make someone else feel like that.

So every day....the good, the bad, the ugly #nofilter

Find some awesome imperfection below!