Saturday, July 6, 2013

It's Been 5 Years

"The value of having a child is not that adults produce children 
but that children produce adults."
I saw that quote on an old friends Facebook....I don't know if is a real quote, or if it's something they made up on their own.  It seemed fitting for today, the day I celebrate the 5th anniversary when someone handed me  a little baby boy and basically said...... he's yours, your responsibility, take care of him, try not to F*ck it up.......

I was 23, I was not married at the time and he was not planned.  My husband (now) and I were having a very good time just being us.  Making money, spending money, drinking, dancing just being awesome 20-somethings.  I was a child on the inside, Its obvious that my generation is staying in this child mode for a lot longer than any other generation in history, but I digress.....I was in the typical frame of mind, party party, me me have kids when I'm 30.  

I carried him the first 20 weeks like it was no big deal, not realizing the responsibility that would be thrust upon me.  I had plans to run back to work, to be the cool mom who still went out with a baby at home.  At my 20 week scan, I was put on bed rest because my cervix was short and was told about 2 soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities....shit got real.  The Irony is....... this is when I began obsessively thinking about Autism.  He was a boy, something was off, I had sonos every week.....I had worked with Autistic kids, I hoped this didn't happen to me too....what if this is going to happen to me too??

July 4th 2008 I swore I would die if i didn't go into labor.  17 hours later on July 5th 2008 my water broke in the hallway.......On July 6th 2008 at 3:02 am a nurse handed me a little baby boy who had almond eyes and was really kind of quiet, just looking at me....he reminded me of the baby Will Smith delivered in Men in Black LOL

I didn't run back to work.   I did the opposite of everything I though, I attachment parented the crap out of that kid.  I did go back to work for 8 months and then quit to be home with him again.  

He changed who I was, I say he saved my life.  Yes, he saved my life.  Truth be told I am not 100% happy with who I have become.  I did not finish college, I am only now starting down the path to having my own business.  I live in a small apartment, I am not particularly organized and I am not the best I could be when it comes to being a wife and mother, BUT I am Happy!   Before my son was born I filled a sort of void in my heart with work, haphazard spending and alcohol.  I had spend a good 5 years being in a constant state of mild depression, constantly trying to fill a spot in my soul with whatever I could find, whatever I thought would make me feel better.  I would feel better....for a short time and then it was Gone.  So 7 years ago God placed my husband in my path via Craig's List (job posting you weirdos, nothing dirty) and 5 years ago the void was filled by a 7lb 3oz little boy.  

Happy Birthday Frankie and Thank you for Saving your Mama <3