Sunday, June 30, 2013
In my sons soon to be 5 years on earth, he has been invited to 5 birthday Parties. Is it sad that I know every single one? The first one we skipped because he was turning 2 the same weekend and we had plans. Looking back I thought maybe that was my first parenting mistake. Maybe if I had gone to that first party years ago I would have gotten on the Birthday train.
The second one he cried for close to an hour at, the sight of Elmo and the sound of Happy Birthday being sung sent him into a meltdown that went an hour.....I ended up in a bathroom....and everyone was looking at me.
The third we were late, transitioning was terrible, he cried in a corner.
The fourth again transitioning was terrible, he was aggressive, he was yelling and hitting and people were staring.
After all of those.....we never were invited the next year. No one is to blame, I blame myself the most. I personally never had kid parties for Frankie, we spent so much time in therapy and being in this Autism world, I never got him socialized with anyone. Maybe if I was more social, less anxious about my sons behavior we could have more friends with kids, but my anxieties were too high so, socializing was last on our to do list.
Every time we have gotten a party invitation, I feel like a teenager going on their first date. SOMEONE WANTS US TO COME?!?! Every time I dress him nice and get everything lined up and pray for the best while my stomach is in knots.....and 4 out of 5 times we have crashed and burned. I have sat in my car almost in tears..... its hard for me to think about. I never want to change who he is, I understand he has different struggles, I just know he wants friends so bad, and its just so hard for him to have them.
So today.....was birthday invite number 5. Two weeks ago I got an Avengers Themed invite in Frankie's back pack. Please join us for ______'s Birthday. WHAT?!?! WE got an invite to his party.....Frankie BIT THAT KID and made him bleed only 3 days before and he still wanted Frankie to come????
So today, Frankie picked out his "Rock Guitar" polo shirt, we got a gift and we made our way to party number 5. Maybe my mind was more at ease knowing there would be other spectrum kids there, maybe my own relaxed feelings would rub off on him.
So in he ran with all his little friends to a room full of inflatable bounce things.....and a pit forms in my stomach. You see, until I walked in I forgot that Frankie is afraid of bounce houses....or anything inflatable for that matter. He does this odd whiny, cry, growling thing and starts wringing his hands. I stood next to him as he watched the other kids......so up a slide he climbed and DOWN he came. He ran over all nervous saying he didn't like it....well that lasted 3 minutes because he went and did it a million more times.
That was it, it was simple, it was everything I ever hoped for. I can only Thank his classmates mom for inviting us, even after my son took a chunk out of her sons arm. Not just a Thank you for Frankie, but a Thank you from me, because this was the kind of pick me up I really truly needed.
Oh....and Thanks for the red Stamp lol
Friday, June 14, 2013
With that said, I love my son. I love every inch of him, his crazy hair, olive skin, little cracked toe nail, beauty mark on his cheek. I love his giggle and smile, his imagination and his affection.....but if I was to say I don't exactly Love his Autism, I feel like I will be shunned by the autism community.
Many times I have read the whole "I would never change my child for anything" blogs and comments....all I think is you can't be serious, your so Full of It.
I've been having a crappy few days. This week my son went to school four days....and three of those days he bit someone. I don't love this aspect of Autism and I wish I could shout it from the roof tops with out feeling like a bad mother.
Day in and day out us parents work our butts off to help our children and there are some of us who will see little progress and others who will be stuck at a plateau for years. Why can't I say I'm frustrated? Why am I not allowed to murmur that this is not how I expected parenting to be. Why can't I say that it hurts me to see my child having a tough time.
If you sit here and look me in the eye and say you never regretted a moment of this, that you never wish you could change one little second of your child's life with Autism....I say to you, your full of it.
Here it is, here is my confession, I love my son but there are things I wish I could have changed:
I wish I never had to watch my son be in pain because he couldn't communicate. I wish he didn't eat crayons because he didn't know how to ask me for food. I wish I wasn't as hard on him, because I didn't know. I wish he didn't have to waste his babyhood in a room going through hours of therapy. I wish I didn't have to put my baby on a bus for full day school. I wish my son got invited to birthday parties. I wish my son understood biting hurt people. I wish he understood telling me he wanted me to die hurt me......I could go on.
Every Ounce of my being loves that little boy. At the same time, I think its ok for us parents to admit its not all peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows. Its ok to say sometimes Autism sucks, it sucks because it hurts my baby, but I LOVE him no matter what <3