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| ahhhh, this hat! |
I wake up and I dream of a time where I can worry or even just think of superficial crap.
All I can think about this morning is getting Lia an OT evaluation. Then from there I think about how even though she is presenting with Sensory Processing Disorder....that is not a diagnosis alone. She has no Autism flags, just the sensory. So I am left here to fend for it myself.
I have been up for 3 hours and besides doing simple changing and drinking coffee, my husband has taken care of the kids and the dishes as I google for hours about compression vests and anxiety disorders in 2 year olds.
I long for a day when the biggest stress in my life will be what color kitchen curtains to get or what counter top would go best with my back splash. Maybe it will never be like that, maybe no ones life is so simple, maybe its Facebook where everyone puts a best foot forward or people constantly complain about the most simple things. Here I am thinking, seriously, your day sucks? My child is having a 5 alarm meltdown over a hair touching her or her food touching each other....once the meltdown begins all ability to communicate stops and she is mute.
Lets add in the ASD kid who has been doing so well, but pushes the buttons of the super sensitive kid.....its like a chaotic orchestra of screams. Again, tell me how much your life sucks. I have developed an ulcer from the stress of my children. Its something I don't talk about, I eat and if anything is triggered in regards to stress I feel like my insides are eating themselves.....actually....I have it right now.
I read an article that said Autism Moms Have Stress Similar To Combat Soldiers ....... yea you read that right....and there are days I feel it. I have started to snap in my head, I get so angry....all the screaming, all the freaking, all the aggression, all the repetition.....at any second someone could do something to disturb the peace that we are in......a kids brain is tripped and the screaming and crying starts, I cant get one minute to myself.
Through all of it I stay positive, really I do. I am a Christian woman and I think to myself well, there is a reason for it all. I know in the past I have asked "why?" to see the true reason years down the road. My life does not suck. I suppose I am blessed that I can think of substantial things....i just wish my brain didn't have to work so much
I think this is similar to the thing I was talking about the other day... wanting an imaginary world where I don't have to freak out about insurance, meltdowns, inclusion, etc. We all just get exhausted. It's okay to be that way. Granted, it sucks. A lot. But we muscle through and just do it, right? We do it because we love our families and want what is best, even when we feel or know that we're personally floundering. Things will get better. And hey, go pick out curtains... They might you smile.
ReplyDelete<3 Jessi, thanks! ike I said, im usually very upbeat and chipper....no one would know I freak on the inside at the thought of Lia being set off. I think i just needed to get that out there. I really do need a curtain, the time season change has let a ray of blinding sun come through my kitchen window onto my couch around 4:00......gives headaches :D
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to turn our brains off and just enjoy our kids! PEACE
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