It's Been 5 Years

"The value of having a child is not that adults produce children 

but that children produce adults."

I saw that quote on an old friends Facebook....I don't know if is a real quote, or if it's something they made up on their own.  It seemed fitting for today, the day I celebrate the 5th anniversary when someone handed me  a little baby boy and basically said...... he's yours, your responsibility, take care of him, try not to F*ck it up.......

I was 23, I was not married at the time and he was not planned.  My husband (now) and I were having a very good time just being us.  Making money, spending money, drinking, dancing just being awesome 20-somethings.  I was a child on the inside, Its obvious that my generation is staying in this child mode for a lot longer than any other generation in history, but I digress.....I was in the typical frame of mind, party party, me me have kids when I'm 30.  

I carried him the first 20 weeks like it was no big deal, not realizing the responsibility that would be thrust upon me.  I had plans to run back to work, to be the cool mom who still went out with a baby at home.  At my 20 week scan, I was put on bed rest because my cervix was short and was told about 2 soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities....shit got real.  The Irony is....... this is when I began obsessively thinking about Autism.  He was a boy, something was off, I had sonos every week.....I had worked with Autistic kids, I hoped this didn't happen to me too....what if this is going to happen to me too??

July 4th 2008 I swore I would die if i didn't go into labor.  17 hours later on July 5th 2008 my water broke in the hallway.......On July 6th 2008 at 3:02 am a nurse handed me a little baby boy who had almond eyes and was really kind of quiet, just looking at me....he reminded me of the baby Will Smith delivered in Men in Black LOL

I didn't run back to work.   I did the opposite of everything I though, I attachment parented the crap out of that kid.  I did go back to work for 8 months and then quit to be home with him again.  

He changed who I was, I say he saved my life.  Yes, he saved my life.  Truth be told I am not 100% happy with who I have become.  I did not finish college, I am only now starting down the path to having my own business.  I live in a small apartment, I am not particularly organized and I am not the best I could be when it comes to being a wife and mother, BUT I am Happy!   Before my son was born I filled a sort of void in my heart with work, haphazard spending and alcohol.  I had spend a good 5 years being in a constant state of mild depression, constantly trying to fill a spot in my soul with whatever I could find, whatever I thought would make me feel better.  I would feel better....for a short time and then it was Gone.  So 7 years ago God placed my husband in my path via Craig's List (job posting you weirdos, nothing dirty) and 5 years ago the void was filled by a 7lb 3oz little boy.  

Happy Birthday Frankie and Thank you for Saving your Mama <3

We Got Invited!

In my sons soon to be 5 years on earth, he has been invited to 5 birthday Parties.  Is it sad that I know every single one?  The first one we skipped because he was turning 2 the same weekend and we had plans.  Looking back I thought maybe that was my first parenting mistake.  Maybe if I had gone to that first party years ago I would have gotten on the Birthday train.

The second one he cried for close to an hour at, the sight of Elmo and the sound of Happy Birthday being sung sent him into a meltdown that went an hour.....I ended up in a bathroom....and everyone was looking at me.

The third we were late, transitioning was terrible, he cried in a corner.

The fourth again transitioning was terrible, he was aggressive, he was yelling and hitting and people were staring.

After all of those.....we never were invited the next year.  No one is to blame, I blame myself the most.  I personally never had kid parties for Frankie, we spent so much time in therapy and being in this Autism world, I never got him socialized with anyone.  Maybe if I was more social, less anxious about my sons behavior we could have more friends with kids, but my anxieties were too high so, socializing was last on our to do list.

Every time we have gotten a party invitation, I feel like a teenager going on their first date.  SOMEONE WANTS US TO COME?!?!  Every time I dress him nice and get everything lined up and pray for the best while my stomach is in knots.....and 4 out of 5 times we have crashed and burned.  I have sat in my car almost in tears..... its hard for me to think about.  I never want to change who he is, I understand he has different struggles, I just know he wants friends so bad, and its just so hard for him to have them.

So today.....was birthday invite number 5.  Two weeks ago I got an Avengers Themed invite in Frankie's back pack.  Please join us for ______'s Birthday.  WHAT?!?! WE got an invite to his party.....Frankie BIT THAT KID and made him bleed only 3 days before and he still wanted Frankie to come????

So today, Frankie picked out his "Rock Guitar" polo shirt, we got a gift and we made our way to party number 5.  Maybe my mind was more at ease knowing there would be other spectrum kids there, maybe my own relaxed feelings would rub off on him.

So in he ran with all his little friends to a room full of inflatable bounce things.....and a pit forms in my stomach.  You see, until I walked in I forgot that Frankie is afraid of bounce houses....or anything inflatable for that matter.  He does this odd whiny, cry, growling thing and starts wringing his hands.  I stood next to him as he watched the other kids......so up a slide he climbed and DOWN he came.  He ran over all nervous saying he didn't like it....well that lasted 3 minutes because he went and did it a million more times.

The next opportunity for him to freak out was when we had to go eat....but he went, calmly.  He didn't eat because there was no GF options and we ate before we got there (because I knew).  HE got bored and started trying to turn the lights off...then he did get a little upset we had to leave.  I let him play an arcade game which calmed him, he said by to his friends, grabbed a goodie bag and we called it a day.

That was it, it was simple, it was everything I ever hoped for.  I can only Thank his classmates mom for inviting us, even after my son took a chunk out of her sons arm.  Not just a Thank you for Frankie, but a Thank you from me, because this was the kind of pick me up I really truly needed.

Oh....and Thanks for the red Stamp lol

The NT Moms Super Silly Birthday!

So Yesterday I turned 21 + 6.......ok 27.  They say if something traumatising happens to you at a certain age you mentally stay that age forever....I don't 100% buy that but, I do still feel 19.  So its either somewhat true or a coincidence that s*it hit the fan at 19 and that's the age I feel.  Since the birth of LP I forget my birthday, and fail to feel as i got any older.  To be honest I don't think I was ever 24!  I had my son and 2 weeks later I turned 24.....I don't know where that year went.  Its as though birthdays become unimportant as you age and have children.  Maybe  its just me, but its not that I resent birthdays because I don't want to get old, I just don't really care.  Every year everyone asks me what i want and every year I say nothing.  Honestly, I want world peace and a stable economy.  That's sounds silly  and sarcastic but I'm serious, that would be awesome, If I could give my gifts to someone who needed them more, i would be happy. 

Yesterday had to be the most jam packed adventurous day i ever had with the kids, or ever had on my birthday.  First stop, the Beach.  Husband had run a half marathon that morning and had to go to work so I spent most of the day with the kids.  We headed to Long Beach to see Grandpa Joe and Mima and spend the morning at the beach.  This was Baby Divas first time at the beach and LP's 4th.  Last year he was scared of the sand, he wouldn't touch it and he wouldn't go near the ocean, he had never been in the ocean.  Well have times change. I regret not bringing my camera!  He had watched a bunch of shows about going to the beach, so he sad there and dug in the sand singing songs about building sand castles.  Then later we got him in the ocean.....and as i predicted, it was difficult getting him out, or getting him to understand that HE CAN NOT SWIM!  The child has no fear with the water suddenly this summer.....which would be nice if he realized he cant swim.  He wants us to let go and he wants to try to swim to the other person...being a former swim instructor this is half the battle you have with the kids.  But the difference is that mine doesn't understand to close his mouth!  When I taught kids, they closed their mouths, they understood the cause and effect....LP does not.  He comes up coughing and almost vomiting......all with a HUGE smile on his face :). 

Next stop BBQ.......once again more bodies of water and I ended up having to go in the pool.  He loves the pool, end of story.  There was dog at the BBQ and for the first time he sat there and pet the dog instead of hitting it in the face(he does that to our dogs).  He sat and pet him and tried to feed him grass.  He wasn't understanding why the dog wouldn't want to eat grass.....this kids too funny.



Last stop to see husband at work.  It was Karaoke night at the Chili Grill so husbands fam was all there so we had some food, some cake.  Hubs sang a song to me, he's cute, it was a little embarrassing but that's ok, it was great.  LP did great all night......except he fell off of his new scooter and split his lip open.  Well, we did great except for the lip thing.....not that he didn't just get back on after he was done.  He really needs to work on his coordination :(  He will get there!  Great day, good times :)

The Great "Animal Center"

As you may know my darling boy turned 3 on Wednesday.  Everyone always asks me what to get LP for holidays and birthdays, and people try to find things that I describe, but it doesn't always work.  Ah, but this year, Grandpa Joe had me on the phone while he was in Toys R us!

LP has been starting to use his imagination.....or at least I think he is, so toys such as a zoo are perfect!  He has never gotten super excited about a present before, he always kind of just ignored wrapped gift boxes.  So to my surprise, he screamed "oooo its a present!!!!!" when he saw the huge playmobil box wrapped in Elmo paper.  And then my heart proceeded to melt as he screamed "ITS AN ANIMAL CENTER!!!!!" (thanks Diego it's really a zoo).  See, my son has never gotten excited about a toy before, not like that.  He use to like getting trains, but it was only really a smile and then he would proceed to stare at the wheels.

This was the best birthday gift, and best birthday as a whole for LP in his 3 years of life.  I spent about an hour and change putting that zoo together, and when he woke up he played and played for 3 hours!  My only complaint is that after 3 hours he got tired of "animal center" and when he is tired of something and cant express his feelings, he throws it on the floor.  So with a loud crash, my heart sank at the idea of having to put that whole thing back together.  He got a 5 minute time out, i needed to cool off.  I've been cooled off for about 5 hours now, and the "animal center" is back together and we are playing nice so far.  I keep telling him Zebras don't live with Lions but, he insists they do.  SO cute!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my Little Professor!

  Today, my little man is 3!  July 4th weekend im always flooded with (wonderful) emotions when I remember giving birth to this little monster .  On July 4th of 2008 I sat with my husband on the couch at my brother in laws and told him that if I didn't go into labor I would kill myself.  Luckily the next afternoon at 3pm my water broke and after 12 hours my son was born at 3:02am at 7lbs 3oz.

He was fantastic!  Like I've said, he was a little funny in some ways, like being a horrible breastfeeder and super clingy, but he was mine and he was perfect.  I try to never be sad that he did not end up the typical child I thought he would be.  When those feelings creep up, I remember that he is perfect to us, that God gave me a gift that day and I thank him for that.  What makes me the saddest is that he is such a big boy, he is not that little guy in the white hat.  I wish he could stay little forever.