I push my kid....dont worry, not physically!

This would be my bad a** self many moons ago....ok maybe 6 years ago

 Skinny and Athletic....imagine that.  I think I stared Skiing around 11....then the winter of the year I was 12 I think I went skiing nearly every other weekend.  When I was 15 I decided to learn how to snowboard, well because that's what all the cool kids were doing :)

So that's the back story.  My mother and stepfather go skiing almost every weekend.  How a woman born in Cuba (my mother) came to be a skier is another story, but it was apparent that my mother has been waiting to see Frankie ski since he was in utero.

When the weekend came that we would bring Frankie to Vermont was approaching, to say I was anxious would be an understatement.  My skin broke out,I was moody and semi insane.  With Frankie you can do a social story but God Forbid you say we are going skiing...he must go NOW.  So For two days prior to going....he had to go NOW.

Now I might get some Shit (sorry have to use it) for what I am going to say.  I HAVE to push my son.  I know he has Autism, I know things stress him out, I know he is sensitive but truth is if I don't push him he will sit on the couch the rest of his life watching TV because it will be easier then getting up.  Say whatever you want, but I know because I suffer from the same nonsense.  When my anxiety gets bad I have to be forced to do things, maybe I had a good time, maybe I did not, but I got it done.

We drive the 4.5 hours to Vermont.  The big guy is amazed by the snow.  The last time he saw real big amounts of snow was Dec 26th of 2010.  There was no snow in NY last year so it was like seeing it for the first time!  My first mistake that Friday evening was not pushing him to get his boots sized.  The plan had been to get to get there and have his ski boots fitted and rented but of course being that we JUST got there, the transition to getting back in the car made him meltdown.  Say what you want but I should have pushed him through it, the discomfort of that transition would have made other things a lot easier the following 2 days.

The following day we went up to the mountain in the afternoon after an whole morning of meltdowns because snow is cold and the house was different and there was no cable and the netflix didn't work and we weren't going skiing NOW.  I could have went that morning to bring him skiing but he was just getting upset left and right over everything it wasn't going to happen.  At the mountain he decided he needed to go skiing that SECOND and needed the biggest skis that had.....meltdown because he couldn't have the biggest ski's.....bigger then skis I could even use lol.  I thought bringing him to the mountain just to see, to get him ready for Sunday morning would be a good thing, that he would have slowly adjusted.....NOPE...needed to SKI NOW SKI NOW!

This is us after going to the Candy store (bribery).....He still needed to Ski right then and there.  Also that is my husband....wearing our little guy in the Ergo.....gotta love a daddy wearing a baby!

We managed to get through Saturday with promises of skiing in Sunday morning.

Sunday morning, Frankie needed to go skiing NOW

This is us in the room where you can put on your boots.  We walk in and Frankie is adamant about getting his Ski's NOW.  Well....first paper work "I NEED MY SKIS".....then some boots "THESE BOOTS ARE TOO HARD, I CAN"T I NEED SKIS"....Then get Skis " THESE SKIS ARE TOO LITTLE THEY ARE FOR BABIES"

I'm not sure if most would quit by then.  Maybe people thought I was cruel to push him....but if my butt got on my ski clothes and all my equipment out after 6 years.....he was going skiing.

This is what a four year old on Skis looks like.  Boots, ski's, helmet, goggles helmet and awesome harness so mom can carry you around.  Can you see HOW BIG of an event this can be for a kid on the spectrum????  I think he was crying a little bit after this because now that we were on the mountain he wanted to go on the BIG SKI LIFT and not on the little bunny slope "magic carpet".  So again I had to force my child up a small ski lift as he screamed that he need to go on the "BIG HAND GLIDER NOW"

That's how that works, Mom puts child in the middle as child yells "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH".  Then when we don't crash he says "OK lets do that again but lets go on the other side".  So we go up again on the little "Magic carpet" (that area by the black tube in the photo) and this time we go on the right side where there are little flags set up to go around ;)

Now after a morning of screaming he has decided he want to go up the BIG "magic Carpet"

We went up a few more times.  After about an hour he was pretty much done, which was fine with me, I was happy he did it for more then 10 minutes.  I asked him if he wanted to do it again and he said only if we go on the "hand glider"(aka the chairlift that goes higher up the mountain).  I then asked if we could bring Lia next year....he said no, this was just for me and Mommy.

Maybe people think I'm terrible for pushing him, for making him deal with things that make him uncomfortable.  I wondered if people would say, just let him be himself, not be what you want.  Well If he never wanted to Ski again then I'm ok with that, but he has to try.  That's all, call me crazy.

Inadequate Mom

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I have been meaning to write this blog for about two week, but in all honesty I didn't have the time or the desire.  Well that's not entirely true, i did have the desire but....yea time, that's hard to come by.  In this moment I should be doing something else, my dishes are over flowing and my washer is beeping but at the same time I hate feeling like I dropped off here.

SOOO there it is in the title, I feel grossly inadequate in a million ways.  I have an issue with taking too much on, not because i have to but because I genuinely want to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~STEPPED AWAY FROM THIS POST FOR 3 WEEKS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I'm back.  I am friends with quite a few Autism Mommy's and Daddy's, some of them bloggers like myself.  Last night i drank sweet wine.....When I drink sweet whine or champagne I end up crying.  Crying because I feel like I should be doing so much more for my son.  I wish i had set his room up like a classroom, I wish i had time to do floor time at home, i wish i had an impeccable schedule, i wish i hadn't had the three kids so close, i feel like maybe someone else would have done better, i wish i had more patience.  Then add the parents that do the whole biomed thing.  Here I am wondering.....would all that stuff make my son feel better on the inside.  AM i a FAILURE because i didn't spend thousands of dollars on supplements and diets etc to try.

I see posts on facebook about these kids diets and "we never ingest anything processed" as my kid is munching down on a pop tart that I just gave him to bribe him to eat carrots because we are trying to go gluten free (he has Latent Celiacs).  IF that's not the most asinine thing ever I don't know what is.

I see people perfectly potty training their children and here I am having knock down drag out fights with my son to just sit on it....so i gave up for a little.  To me if it takes till he is 5 so be it, but i feel like a failure, i should have printed laminated charts and graphs and highly nutritious treats that he eats with no problem to train him for the potty.

Two years ago when I started this I envisioned myself as this with it mom.  The one who had all the therapy tools, who kept her cool and was a rold model for other moms.  I would give my kids the best foods and give them great supplements that helped his tummy and brain feel better.  I would be persistent and strong....I would just be awesome.

So last night I cried to my husband because I don't think I am any of those.  I'm chugging along.  My kids think I'm awesome,  My family does too....Really that's all that matters.   I think I will just live in the mindset that everyone is bragging on facebook and they too have messy houses and let their kids eat pop tarts for lunch if they really have to.

A 2 week Headache

I have had a pain in my head for two weeks. 

Ive been told to go to the doctor by people....but I know its stress....or a pinched nerve.

People say that blogging should be easier when things are crappy.....for me it isn't.  I have a million things running through my head and putting them down into words is more stressful then anything. 

My son started an Autism Program in Septemeber.  Last year he was in a self contained classroom and never had any violent behaviors....never.  Now he kicks, spits, bites, hits....all learned behaviors from his classroom friends. 

Yesterday I was called and told he was restrained for 15 minutes by 2 women because he was "having an intense outburts"  when i asked if I could come down they said it wasn't necessary since it was the end of the day.  I was then asked to sign a paper saying restraining could be added to his Behavior plan.

I got the speech that all schools restrain.  I was told that his behaviors starting when he got into a new program were a coincidence.  I was told emergency placement would be difficult.  I was told I didnt have to sign. 

I don't feel right.  If they did this to a typical kid people would go crazy.....but because he has Autism.....its just part of the plan....

The Story of Dinosaur

 This is Dinosaur......He is scheduled for Surgery at 9am tomorrow.  Apparently all the little plastic beads I keep finding around my house are from his tail.  Today he showed me how smart and emotional my son really is. 

In October of 2011, Frankie had to have an MRI which was scheduled by his neurologist.  I'm a tough cookie, Ive pinned my kid down for blood tests, I've held his jaw open to get a strep test, I have even wrapped my legs around him like a snake to let them stick things up his nose.....all the while with a nervous laugh.  I'm not actually laughing, its more of a OMG is this really happening, is this child this strong and combative....I have nothing left but to giggle.  With that being said, when the Social worker warned me about them putting him under, I though pshhh, no big deal.  So the time came to bring my little boy into the room with the Donut.  Again, social worker warns me about how he will go out and its upsetting sometimes, yeah yeah shh whatever.  Me and 4 other people are now holding my son down on a table, a doctor puts the mask on him and unlike anything I have ever seen prior....my sons little body goes limp.  It doesn't look like falling asleep, it looks like dying and then I  started crying.  I was escorted out of the room and told to go walk around for 45 minutes.

I walk around all nervous in this big Fancy Hospital.  Grab a Starbucks and play on my phone.  At this point in our journey Frankie was still not very verbal.  The words were there, but they weren't really used together.  I don't really know what he likes other then Thomas.....so I stumble around the gift shop looking for Thomas or something.  Instead I find a blue t-Rex...that in reality, I wanted.  My son awakes from anethtisia very upset and meets his new pal "dinosaur".

Frankie holds onto dinosaur the whole way home as he babbles about the BIG"O" ......when asked..."dinosaur is from the doctor".....that's the beginning of a friendship. 

About 3 hours ago my son is laying in my bed trying to sleep, he asks for Kangaroo (his other animal).  So I ask him "Frankie, where is Dinosaur?"  All glassy eyed he says to me "mommy I don't love dinosaur anymore.  His tail is broken, his stuff is coming out.  He flew out the window and went away.  I don't love dinosaur and he don't love me"  WHHHAAATTT?

I know better....I'm not sure what he is talking about but, I know he doesn't suddenly NOT love that stuffed animal.  So here I go searching the apartment, the car behind his bed.....and find dinosaur stuffed in a drawer.

I find my son still awake, looking on the verge of tears, still saying he can't love dinosaur anymore.  I show him who I found...he lights up and then is upset again.  He tells me his tail is broken.  Since I'm a crappy sewer I bandaged him up and will have my husband (yes my husband) sew him closed tomorrow. 

I talked to my son, who for some reason or another believed that if dinosaur was broken I would throw him out.  He though he couldn't love him anymore....so he hid him in a drawer and lied to me.  About 2 minutes later he passed out.  He is just too sweet, he made me cry, he is just too sweet.