Friday, October 9, 2015

You're So Laid Back......


I hear this all the time.  You're soooooo laid back, you're sooooo ok, you're sooooooo just happy.

Today I cried.   I cried because its October and I am already overwhelmed.  Unless you read this would have no idea I cried.  You would most likely assume I am cheery , happy, laid back,  even keel Danielle because.....that is who I am on the outside....and for the most part the inside too.  Its those days though, the days it finally hits again and I lose it.....those days are tough and no one sees them other then my husband or one of the kids.

How are you so Nice/ok/loving/happy?....... First and foremost I'm a Christian.  A Christian who put all my faith and hopes in the hands of the Lord a long time ago.  Christians always say things are in "God's hands" or "you need to surrender" and it wasn't until Autism was in our life that I truly knew what that meant.

I don't know what will happen for Frankie in 10, 20, 30 years....I also don't know what will happen tomorrow.  He is the definition of erratic.  Everyday is a surprise in terms of behavior.  It was when that started happening about 3 years ago that I learned what it was like to truly surrender.  I will try my hardest, but tomorrow is always a NEW day and that can mean a positive attitude can go to a negative rather quickly.

It was through that....well THIS because I do this on a daily basis....that I learned to not sweat the small stuff.....or even the BIG stuff some days.  When your life revolves around the mental health of your child everything else become trivial.  My car makes crazy noises, who the F- cares, my sink is leaking, i don't care, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 people and i don't care because the money and time spent on him is more important.....because its ALL SMALL STUFF.

Today I cried because my son was approved for 1 hour of therapy 5x a week at a center IN new Hyde Park which is 30 minutes from my house.  I cried because I have put him first for the last 5 years.  Everyday after school I will have to drive my three kids a half hour each way for Frankie's therapy.  Today my daughter looked at me and said "You promised me you were going to sign me up for Dance, you didn't, the ballet outfit you bought me should fit by now".  What do I say to her?  Do I say.....Frankie has to come first again?

I'm laid back but.....I'm not that laid back.  I'm not super human, I have insane anxiety....i just hide it well.

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