Never.....

Trigger Warning "lol"
* Language*

Yesterday I was "in it" as I say.  I was all up in the Autism.  All up in it with the thought that hit me....This Shit is NEVER going  away.

That's a green table.  A green table my mother picked up second hand for Frankie for his room.  It was meant for him to color at, or play like a child should.  A few months after she picked up the table he was diagnosed....I said well, that will make a great area for ABA.

Brand new baby in hand I turned a room into an ABA center.  IN every IEP meeting they tell me how far he has come and I say how at 2 I thought he would never talk.... at the same time, as I turned his room in to therapy center I told myself with enough therapy he would be mainstream by kindergarten - first grade. Wrong.

People tell you how much things will change.  How once his speech is in order his behavior will regress, how when his behavior is better his processing will regress, a triangle I'm told, something will always suffer.   I didn't think it would go away, I didn't think one morning he would wake up Autism Free....that's not the case.

I know he will never be Autism Free, but yesterday it hit me.  He is going to be 5, as much as I feel I have been doing this forever, I'm STILL NEW here.  AS "typical" as I am, sometimes I can see scenarios and visions in my head.

Right now I picture myself on a dirt road.... I just tripped on my face due to all these behavioral problems and crap that have taken over my once sweet and mild mannered child.  I just look.....I look down this long never ending path full of tree roots and holes I'll probably trip in again.  I realize this shit is never going away.  I'm ok with it...its just weird to think about....too much to wrap my brain around.