My Personal Mental Anguish

I first apologize for my down posts and demeanor lately. Mostly it's because I began this blog at a turning point in our lives as a form or therapy and help via the ASD community. I love to share my sons progress, but I also feel it is important to display the negative aspect to show others that they are not alone. When we began this journey, I was very alone.....it was not till I started this blog that I found others like myself......i thank you all for that!

That being said, I have been in a ton of emotional pain lately. Between school starting, losing our therapists and general anxiety, I'm a mess. I don't know 100% what happened to my son. I know something happened with vaccines. I do think he was predisposed, I know his cousin has it and I remember thinking I wouldn't vaccinate. The other day I found the vaccine book on my shelf, barely touched that I purchased while pregnant with LP. I never finished it because I thought I was crazy, I thought how could I not trust the medical community. I remember thinking the dr was so sweet as she looked me in the eye and told me they were the same shots she would inject into her grand children. So now, I feel enormous amounts of guilt. I had the resources to say no but I listened to everyone else anyway. My husband has complained to me on numerous occasions that I care too much about other people and should just listen to myself. It's the story of my life, didn't go to Scranton bc my ex was there.... ndidnt want anyone to think I followed him. If I went there I would have probably finish my damn nursing degree. Don't go awaY to school at 21, that's weird and your old. Don't go to cosmetology school you need a real degree. You should vaccinate your kid trust me. Arrrggggggg! I suppose in the overall picture of life I am happy, and without those mistakes I wouldn't be here so they were worth it.

Our jobs as the parents of ASD children is now to spread knowledge and to not be quiet about it. When one of my sibling or inlaws get pregnant I will be that nut that tells them to not vaccinate, to get the immune system work up, to get the chromosome tests, I don't want them to ever feel like this. I feel like I let my son play in traffic, and it was my job to protect him. There are nights I just lay in bed with him and pray and tell him I'm sorry if this was my fault.

No one should have to feel like this, I swear, if it comes out the government knew the whole time......I'll lose it.