My Second Boy

I was concerned about having a third child.  My concern was that the third child would be male, that he would have a higher risk of developing a Spectrum Disorder.

Only Time will tell, but let me tell you....he is 3 months old and he talks up a baby storm.  He is also enormous and I'm lucky that the kids love him.

I Might Be Too Old

To say crap like "it's all good".  I'm sitting here trying to get this ball back on track watching some nonsense on tv. I'm realizing while I'm young at heart, I'm not sure how young I seem with 3 kids hanging on me. 

Heard it a million times, age is a number blah blah blah, but I am thinking he kid at the cash register is cringing when I say "my bad" or "it's all good".  Its possible if I was 28 with no kids and some awesome hipster outfit I would be relatively cool and I'd get a free pass on hip lingo....yea i just said hip lingo.  Crap, I'm loosing it.

Someone, quick, end me some cool phrases...... ok here is me with a pineapple....pineapples are hip and with it right?

Today Was One of Those Good Days

 

Call me crazy, but I think there is something to this Diflucan.  I am a doubting Thomas, so doubting that I read the vaccine books and vaccinated the kid anyway.....oh damn you doubt!  

I doubted ABA and that worked, I doubted pre-school and it seems to be working, hell I doubt myself everyday and I seem to be doing ok with all this.  So when the Dr. mentioned the Diflucan over a month ago I was hopeful but tried not to get too excited.  

As you all know we started Diflucan about a month and a week ago.  Two weeks in Frankie started speaking in some full sentences and his poop got better.....then the medicine expired ( long story, I had no idea) and those things went away.  Now a week into a new Rx of Diflucan that is not expired and he is spitting out full sentences that make sense again.  This morning I had to pick the boy up at school because I didn't get the Dr to sign a paper saying he could return to school.  So to the Dr we go to sign papers and drop the boy back off.  In the car a little voice pops up "Mama, I want to go home"......um no you are going to school but THAT WAS A GREAT SENTENCE!  woo hoo!  

He went back and a few hours later I picked Boy wonder off the bus.  Like I do everyday I pick him up, give him a big kiss and like clock work "Did you have fun at school" comes out of my mouth.  Everyday he just repeats it back to me, some days he says it before I can.  Today was different, today I asked "did you have fun at school" and Frankie said Yes.  I asked "what did you do?" (which is also parroted back) but today he answers "I painted leaves".  My my, the boy talks!  

He continued to chat it up here and there in little sentences, then he runs over to the stove and yells "Mama, Look its New CEREAL!, I want new cereal!"  New cereal is anything that is not chex.  I let him have 2 bowls of new cereal because I was so happy he was talking. He went on to have 2 slices of bread, 10 Ritz cracker and a rice cake.....all because he asked.  

Again, my doubt will probably disappear.  To think Yeast could effect you in such ways is crazy.  We shall see, can not wait for the weeks to come!

Its Happening Already

I am being a bad mom and Blogging my heartburn away and letting my kids watch Bubble Guppies.

Yesterday was Lia's Dedication at our Church.  As Christians we dedicate our babies instead of Baptise them.  We Dedicate them and profess that we will raise them in Christ and guide them so that when they are old enough to make the decision to become Christians and be baptised, they will.  After Church we had a party to celebrate the dedication as well as her birthday a few weeks late. 

That morning, my husband looked at her and said "hi Lia" and she responded "Hi Dada".........my husband looked at Frankie and said "Hi Frankie and he responded "Hi Frankie".  I think hubby is frustrated.  He wont outwardly come out and say it hurts, but it must.  It hurts that he has regressed since he started school and it hurts that My daughter is starting to pass him in some developmental areas. 

So as my title suggests.....its Happening Already.  Her social interactions are beginning to surpass his.  Today I had Parent/teacher conference which ended up being a lot more formal then I had expected.  It was worse then the IEP meeting.  At least with the IEP meeting it was the opinion of someone who saw him for 1/2 and hour, this was the opinion of people that work with him daily.  When I'm told my son is self harming himself or that he is a danger to himself by the PT or that all his Ecolalia has flooded back full force, the shirt chewing we worked on getting rid of is back also.....it can make you sick.  I'm starting a new battle with the district who has screwed up the IEP and now my son isnt getting services at home. The chair person wrote Counseling instead of ABA so she wouldn't catch shit from her boss.....well they wont let my son get ABA because it says Counseling...its all craziness and no one can answer me.  He is regressing and I'm suppose to sit here an be like OK that's fine.  They aren't lying when they say these become the fights of your life...this sucks

I Prefer Mole Hills.......to Everest

It's difficult to explain how I feel. I wanted to use the word depressed, but that's not so much it....numb? Maybe. The journey to recover your child is long and tedious, stressful and tiring. I just began and I am tired.

I woke up in January and was told a diagnosis. I was painted a pretty picture of the road ahead, a road with bumps and hills but nothing we couldn't handle with a little perseverance. I started down the road with high expectations, climbing little hills, making mountains at what now I realize are mole hills, trekking through thinking this isn't too bad this is hardly a mountain at all........ Then 10 months into your treck you are met with this........mount Everest. So what you mean to tell me was that the 10 month walk I just took was the easy part. See that person standing there in that photo.......that's how I feel. Ill equipped and shocked at the path before my feet. Sure I have some stuff, good sense of direction, clothes and a snack.......but not Everest climbing equipment.

That how I feel. I have been in a constant sense of panic since 2 days ago. Today it got worse, a mess of insurance paper work, referral slips, phone calls, faxes, cups of urine. My daughters dedication is on Sunday and I can't even be happy because i am so overwhelmed at this mountain. I have hurt people's feelings, offended others, forgot things, forgotten people. I've put Frankie ahead of everything and sometimes I think everyone suffered for it.

My baby doesn't just have Autism, he is sick on his insides. Now I face Everest, riddled with Celiacs, protien issues, genetic mutations, metabolic issues and a school district that wants to take our services away....again.

I miss those little rolling hills, I want to hug them and remember when my biggest issue was gettin pg him to listen to quiet feet.....

Dear God, don't let me forget about my daughter

I wonder how siblings to Autistic children feel. I pray everyday that I don't put my daughter second, that I don't forget her in the chaos. She has grown so fast, and I can't help but feel like her first year is overshadowed by an Autism diagnosis. Just shy of her turning 4 months old our world was changed and I began a crusade to help my son, with an infant strapped to my chest on a Moby wrap.

Sometimes I feel like I put him first, my worry, my time, my fears, all about him. Recently she has begun screaming, attention screaming. The kind of screaming that makes you cringe, all because she wants you took look at her. She is refusing whole milk and now foods she use to eat. I just keep thinking whatever she will grow out of is and get more worried about Frankies non eating and behavioral issues. My big fear is that even though she is talking, maybe she too is having sensory issues and I will miss it because I'm so wrapped up in the boy.

I love them both, just the same. I know I am a good mommy to them both, but it's a fear. A fear I'm sure many of us have even with only typical kids. I wish we got grades on parenting so I could see my performance in grade form. I pray I am a good mommy to my babies, that I never put one before the other and that they both understand the love I have for them in eternal and never ending.....even when mommy is having a grumpy day <3

Helpless and B*#chy

Today I feel helpless, usually I feel bitchy. Another note in Frankies book today, chair flipping, screaming and head slamming. 32 minutes into being home and I've been slapped in the face.....I put tv on because I can't handle him. Can you imagine wanting your child to stop touching you. 30 minutes into being home and I can't sit on the couch with him beause he is sticking his fingers in m bellybutton, doing headstands on me, pulling my hair, slamming his forehead into mine as a game.

Today is one of those days I question everything I am doing and wonder if I am doing it in vain. The supplements, the doctors, intense schooling.....is it all in vain? I never let myself think that Frankle will not finish school, go to college and get a job. I always think he will meet a great understanding girl and get married and make me a grandma. Then I have the few days like this where I wonder if that's all a delusional fantasy. He gained so much in the first 6 months of therapy and now he has plateued.....we all though he would continue to go in leaps and bounds.....now it's like tiny baby steps if anything. This is what leaves me feeling helpless.

Now for Bitchy......it's a permanent state I am in.....ok maybe not permanent. Here is an example of something that may help those parents with typical children understand. My son is in a class to teach him how to eat. My son is almost 3 and a half and he needs to be taught how to eat without flipping out. he will have a full on anxiety attack if the entree is not cereal or chicken. No amount of punishment I'll end this anxiety. Your typical 3 year old eats food, asks for food, asks for drinks, can sit in a chair and can be disciplined normally.....mine can not. I am sure I will still get some parents and strangers saying I'm some sort of push over parent and I should let my son starve, he will get the point, he just needs harder parenting and let me tell you...I AM F-ING SICK OF YOU.

So there is bitchy, sometimes little things wil set me off because it just took an hour to do something that should take 5 minutes. The constant questioning from strangers and non strangers alike makes me bitchy. If you had cancer and I questioned you constantly if you really thought chemo and radiation were the right treatment......your getting it now right? No my child is not screaming because I'm a shitty parent. Not having a table cloth doesn't make me lazy to discipling my son, it means I am tired of an entire table of things falling on the floor.

To end it all though.....is a little boy running in cirlces around m living room singing " I've been looking for a friend like you, someone, to make each day brand new and share the fun in the sun, even if a rainy day comes....."

He's an Angel....

Just when you think it's not working.....

Your kid does something to give you that glimmer of hope. We are 2 weeks and 2 days into Diflucan, I had heard around 2 weeks you can start seeing a difference. So when Monday rolled around and the boy was having issues at school I was some what discouraged. Listen, I'm not putting all my hope into this, because I don't want to be disappointed, but I would like to see something.

So today comes, like any other morning.....except our bus was 25 minutes late. While waiting Frankie saw Keri who was Frankies team leader during E.I., she works with another child 3 houses down. We never see her, well we see her awesome Mercury Sable ( haha), but that child's bus usually comes after ours. Frankie was so happy to see her, he tried to pul her toward our house, but then the bus came, along with the tears. I knew he would miss the girls, but that was a little heart breaking. Off to school the boy went.....and 7 hours later he returned.

He was tired, but he had a great day at school! He ate lunch and apple pie! He went pee pee on the potty 2 times! Then at home he played nicely with his sister and actually ate dinner. The thing that surprised me and made me super excited was his language use tonight! My mom showed him a cake that is for Lia's birthday and an extra she bought. She tells Frankie, "this cake is for lia" and he points to the other cake and says " and this cake is for Frankie?". So appropriate!!! Then I picked him up and he said " you put me down" and when I ignored he said it again! Lastly we watched Diego before bed and he was answering back to the tv. " is this a sloth?"......" no, no, no that is not a sloth, that a monkey!!".

The last hour of the day was fantastic, these are great things!

You have fun at school?

I got Frankie off of the bus yesterday, he was so happy! He grabbed my face and said " you have fun at school?". Grrrr, now he is expecting what I say. Kim came yesterday for his first real ABA session at home. She had an idea to make pictures on the sheet that the teacher sends home so he can tell me what he did at school using visuals instead of words. Bus has been better, now he smiles when the bus comes!

The last two days of school he had some issues with aggression. Everyone keeps telling me it's normal but I am one of those crazy moms that thinks her kid is perfect. Even with Autism, he will have perfect Autism. Did I mention I was crazy?

Today I didn't get any violence notes home, I got "Frankie refused to eat lunch". In the communication notebook Andre (his teacher) said he was kicking to be funny. I was pretty sure this was what it was, he doesnt aggressively kick, he does it for attention. I find the more I feed into the kicking, the more he does it.....if I ignore him, he will find something else to push mommies buttons. He is in a HUGE testing phase right now. He is testing at school and at home. Not a fan, no no no.

On a positive note, Frankie made some pee pee on the potty today. His speech teacher also wrote how he used a sentence appropriatly. On Fridays Frankie has group speech, so today as he passed one of the classrooms he said " where is Jayden?". His speech teacher was thrilled, she id they have only picked up Jayden at that room twice so she was amazed he remembered. I wrote back about his memory, it's amazing. A year later he remembers things, he remembers he hates Super cuts, he remembers routes to people's houses and miles away he knows where we are going. He is a little ball of miracle frustration this week.

A why me kinda day

Yes, I am having a why me kind of day.  Look at that kid, he is so cute, I shouldn't feel like this.  I woke up to a ticket on my car.  It the end of the month, I guess the Nassau County PD decided to drive around blocks at 1:45 am looking at inspections.  I was waiting till Monday to get the inspection because of the check engine light and having to clear that and drive it for 60 miles first.  I suppose the officer wouldn't care if I had left a note about my situation.......grrr.  Such a waste of a day, wont have the car back till Monday....husband is working till Monday......but then has to go to Westchester to deal with an issue with a prior employer.

My son came home with a note saying he was have outbursts and trying to flip chairs, and refused to eat lunch.  I knew that he would regress, he was going from 15 hours 1 on 1 to 30 hours in big groups.  I was foolish to think it wouldn't happen and that Frankie would keep excelling at the speed he was going.   So sure he would talk more.   Here I am 3 weeks into school and my son has become Echolailic again....F$*K......I'm suppose to say How are you  and he is suppose to say "I'm good" like he always has but no....he looks at me and says "how are you?" S&%T, S&%T, S&%T.........I miss him.  I feel like he gets home and I spend 3 hours with him, most of which is eating dinner and getting ready for bed. 

I would like to be more emotionally OK here at the Neurotypical Mom but things are just bad.  I have to tell myself though, its OK.  Maybe its good for me to be so raw on here, to tell you guess what, this sucks.  Autism sucks....and it stole my kid.  Even if I recover him, I'm not going to get it back.  I'm watching my daughter do things Frankie still hasn't done.....I didn't think that was possible, I know what she wants, i can read her cues, I don't feel helpless as she cries because i don't know whats wrong. 

I know things can get worse.  I will not tempt God by saying it cant get worse. 

School is making me feel out of control

So, I'm a control freak.  I wish I was a neat freak, but no, just a control freak.  I liked when I had Frankie getting services at home because I ALWAYS knew what was going on.  Don't get me wrong, I get tons of notes home and write back and forth  but I'm not there.

I guess I am lucky because I have heard many times about kids regressing when they start school or are placed in a program that doesn't fit them.  Well Frankie hasn't regressed.....he is kind of just staying the same.  I'm spoiled though, he gained so much in the first few months of  his ABA therapy that I just assume he will always proceed in leaps and bounds.  The reality is that, his progress was a blessing and now in reality progress is not always so fast, sometimes it is SLLLLOOOOWWWW.  He comes home and mentioned things here or there about school, but never to me.  He will just say "Jada and slide" so I figure he went to the playground which was confirmed in his communication notebook.

Today he starts ABA at home again with Kim.  He is only getting 2 hours a week, but....whatever its something.  I had to fight to get that, it was so bad they didn't even write it was behavioral therapy on the IEP.  The reasoning for that was so that administration wouldn't get mad....the games we have to play because of budget cuts.

On a side note we are on day 10 of Diflucan.  I am crazy and expected miracles EVEN when I was told it would take weeks.  SO, yes it will take weeks to see anything, if they gave him more medicine it would have made him sick, to kill of yeast that much would have made him sick and that's not what we are looking to do.  I will keep you updated :)

Our First Day of School....yes Our

This morning my alarm was set to go off at 6:15am to start the process that would be my sons first day of school.  My daughter had other plans, she decided 5:30am would be a better time to get up.  I remember what i hate so much about getting up early....the fact that its still dark out.  So up we got, put the boys stuff together, started making waffles and coffee.

Husband was passed out....he had just worked 2 weeks straight, sleeping between 5-2 hours a night to get this restaurant up and running....I let him sleep, dear God he needed it, he looks so beat.  Next to him was the little boy that crawled into my bed around 4am I'm guessing.....there he was mouth gaping wide, didn't fall asleep till 10:30.....this should be fun.  Husbands alarm goes off at 7, boy is pissed, he was trying to throw pillows over his head, not today buddy, sorry.  He ate his breakfast at a snails pace, thankfully I had laid out everything he needed for the day.

So we took some pictures (see that poor man looks so tired) and got ready to go to school.  I filled out the transportation forms late so of course I have to drive Frankie for the next week or so. He got to his class and he went right in....that was it.  Hung up his coat and that was that.  Where were the water works?  Where was the theatrical MAMAs!?!?   Well don't get me wrong, he tried to grab my hand, but his teacher Andrea said, no no, mommy is going home and you can stay and play.  Play he did, with some blocks.....and I went home.

I cleaned, it was awesome.  Went back to pick him up.  I was so nervous that maybe he did something crazy, or maybe he missed me an hour into school.  No such luck.  There he was with his backpack on ready to go home.  I was more excited I think.....he said "mama coming, mama coming".....His teacher said "I told you she was coming".  Andrea (his teacher), told me he ate a chicken sandwich (really?!?) had snack, played nice but proceeded to get whiny later in the afternoon since there is no napping. 

All and all it went well, I guess I miss him during the day, but i can get so much more stuff done honestly.  Very uneventful.  I wish I had more.....darn it.  Maybe in a few days :)

Beer Cures Stress Headaches Right?

That or eating this many cupcakes.....right, that should work?  I have had an on and off headache for almost a week.  I take Advil and Im good for a while, then it comes back.  Its not an horrific pain, its just annoying.  I usually get ice pick headaches....its quick pain that comes fast and goes away fast, its a type of migraine and being that my mother gets them, I dont think much about it.  

These last 2 weeks and next week also, have been very stressful.  Last week I had Frankie at Stony Brook for the MRI on Monday and then back out for EEG on Friday.  Both trips involved 45 min drives both ways, leaving Lia home and having parents take off from work.  Last week husband also started training his new staff at his new job.  He has been away for 10 days, off for one and then Last Monday started aggressive training.....it is now Wednesday and his first day off is tomorrow. 

This week we did our "see you laters to our therapists".  To think In February, I was so pissed about having people in my house 15+ hours a week and now I'm crying about them not being here.  Now I have all this time, and i have to fill it.....maybe I will go to the zoo.  

Next week, the boy starts school.  I know I will take it worse then him, that's just a fact.  Endless paper work has overwhelmed me, this is why I was a crappy Legal Secretary.  I sign my name on a million things, and I'm not really sure what I am signing.  Medicaid? Sure, confidentiality ok!  release of files Great....wait what?  

Hopefully in the next few weeks the head pains will go away.  *Sigh*......when did My baby grow up?

The EEG

 

 

Howdy!  I am Frankie and I have no idea what they are about to do to me. 

On Friday, my son and I ventured out to Stony Brook to have our EEG.  It seems that my son has become more use to doctors and could care less now if they touch him.  SO here he was all smiles on the table, he must have been thinking I would buy him another Dinosaur....yea no.  He did lay down and let the lady put on about 3 electrode things on his head.....but then he got curious....to curious.  SO unfortunately we did have to swaddle him.  Swaddling a 3 year old the size of a 5 year old with HULK strength is no easy task.  

They finished up and we laid in the dark and little man fell asleep to my fantastic singing voice (actually I sound like a frog but he likes it).  I laid with him for an hour, and felt his little body twitch the entire time.  Now, this test was to look for seizures in his sleep.   I'm not sure how a seizure presents itself in sleep, but literally he twitched on and off the whole time.  Later the Tech put a strode light in front of his eyes as he was sleeping.....and more twitching, bigger twitches.  She told me the twitching could be  normal and it could be nothing, but she doesn't know.  So I should find out soon what that was all about.  

This is what a kid that has been woken up form their nap, and had electrodes slathered in Vaseline just pulled out of his hair looks like.......

Not Goodbye, Just See ya Later

Today started the farwells to the 5 women that have been giving my son therapy since March.  Out of the five, I get to keep one.  If you have services like we do, you will understand how these people become a part of your life, a part of your childs life.  Ive heard a quote saying that a childs therapist is their first friend.......and Frankie has Five wonderful friends. 

They have brought my son out of his shell, from the non verbal jumping bean to a adorable little boy who has his moments but can look you in the eye and say " I love you"  Thank you for all you have done and all you have taught him, that he will carry on for the rest of his life.   Thank you for being someone to talk to when I feel isolated in my home.  Thank you for loving my son.  So while we say goodbye for now, I will have to keep in touch.  Thats the person I am, I cant say goodbye forever.  Thank God for email, picture text messages and facebook....it makes this whole transition easier. 

I'll take Overwhelmed for $1,000 Alex

"This woman Hasn't finished school paperwork,  has Early intervention ending in two days, has a daughter with 102 fever for 2 days,  Drove 45 minutes each way 2x last week to go to a Neurologist and is completely overwhelmed "......."WHO IS The Neurotypical Mom"!

I've been meaning to write and then something comes up.  I have a huge issue with being easily overwhelmed.  When too many things are on my plate, I literally freeze up and do nothing.  I need to bring in the paperwork for Frankie's school tomorrow, but being in the process of changing doctors has left me confused on who to get to fill out the physical form.  New Dr wont see him till the 12th, I cant find the stupid transportation paper work....I have a headache.   Speaking of headaches, I have had one for 3 days.  I thought maybe it was the hurricane, all the pressure in the air, all the news media making me INSANE.  They freaked us out, our grocery store shelves were empty, we all freaked.  Now granted the ocean broke the boardwalk and there are people who are still out of power and will not get it back till Friday the earliest......no one died and our homes are still here.

Lia had a fever all day yesterday, which spiked to 102.5 around 6pm.  Ran to Dr today who said it wasn't ears or strep but her throat is red......awesome.....so it continues to hover around 102 every time the Motrin wears off.  If in 2 days its still here I have to go back.

EEG went well, separate blog on that, I promise.  My baby starts school in a week and a day.  I'm trying to hold back tears.  This is not fair, I am not ready, I think I might have to be sad for a little.  My emotions are all over the place :(

Our True Identity

With that title, I feel like we are a family of Super Heros......in a way, maybe we are. I kept names secret because I was keeping this blog a secret for a time. I wasn't sure how family would respond, or if I ever wanted to share it with them. It wasn't that I don't want to share my story with them, it's more that I am a Control Freak. That sounds odd coming from the most unorganized, whatever attitude person, but I do not like to let people know we are struggling. I am controlling and a perfectionist, I didnt not finish college because I was stupid, I didn't finish because I knew I couldn't be perfect.....if i had a c, I withdrew. I don't ask form help, I hate it more then anything, it's just how I am.

So since everyone now knows, I let my guard down, I suppose I can let you know who I am. I am Danielle.....I am 27, I went to college for nursing and dropped out. I rather craft all day then ever go back to school. I make bridal and baby shower gifts and other things through my small business "Lia Couture". My husbands name is Frank, he works for Hurricane Grill and Wings as of 2 weeks ago. We have two fantastic children, Frankie who is my LP and Lia Cecilia who is the most opinionated 11 month old I have ever met. We live in Massapequa Park and hope to some day buy a home here......someday. We are Christians, and regardless of what you believe, I pray for each one of myreaders every night.

It was nice to meet you! Now that I have us out, I may just have to call LP Frankie.......my dear sweet little Frankie. Thank you all for your continued support, much love!

<3 Danielle, the NT mom

He Makes Up For It in Cuteness

Today in the process of chastising my child I had to hold back from bursting out into laughter!

Today he had been on pretty good behavior. When we went out he did run around the store like a maniac but, I didn't care much since it was a children's consignment store littered with toys and other maniac kids haha. He was such a little gentleman, he opened the door for me, closed the car doors, just too cute!

My pet peeve lately has been him taking his seat belt off. See I have a large 3 year old who does not comfortably fit into a car seat. At the point he is in s booster which he its in weight, height and age......except he keeps putting the shoulder let behind his head. On the way to grandmas he pulled this stunt which led to me stopping the car on a side street. I turned around and put on my exaggerated mad face and told him I was upset and he need to wear his seat belt to keep him safe. Then I do the whole " why do we wear seat belts?" to which he replies " it keeps you safe". Why I decided to try and keep rationalizing with him I don't know but I told him that with no seat belt he can get a big boo boo and end up at the hospital. ..........

With that comment the tears stopped and he looked at me with HUGE wide eyes( please bare with me but this is exactly how my son talks haha) and said " Mama Avi tricycle hospital......duka guhduwa bones boo boo Avi endica wadda hospital, big boo boo Avi tricycle in duh hospital en duh anduhbus". He went on about the hospital for about a half hour as I tried not to laugh. He was telling me about an episode of bubble guppies where Avi ( a fish) falls off of his tricycle, breaks his tail bone and has to go to the hospital in an ambulance. He kills me when he talks, he is hysterical. Granted this is new that I can actually understand most of what he is talking about. He use to go on and on in jargon and I couldn't even catch one word. I almost cried and laughed at the same time, when I was trying to still be angry. The idea that he put together that getting hurt in the car and going to the hospital was the same as when Avi went to the hospital was amazing. I know they have always said he has had processing issues, this is just great. Today was a great day!

My Personal Mental Anguish

I first apologize for my down posts and demeanor lately. Mostly it's because I began this blog at a turning point in our lives as a form or therapy and help via the ASD community. I love to share my sons progress, but I also feel it is important to display the negative aspect to show others that they are not alone. When we began this journey, I was very alone.....it was not till I started this blog that I found others like myself......i thank you all for that!

That being said, I have been in a ton of emotional pain lately. Between school starting, losing our therapists and general anxiety, I'm a mess. I don't know 100% what happened to my son. I know something happened with vaccines. I do think he was predisposed, I know his cousin has it and I remember thinking I wouldn't vaccinate. The other day I found the vaccine book on my shelf, barely touched that I purchased while pregnant with LP. I never finished it because I thought I was crazy, I thought how could I not trust the medical community. I remember thinking the dr was so sweet as she looked me in the eye and told me they were the same shots she would inject into her grand children. So now, I feel enormous amounts of guilt. I had the resources to say no but I listened to everyone else anyway. My husband has complained to me on numerous occasions that I care too much about other people and should just listen to myself. It's the story of my life, didn't go to Scranton bc my ex was there.... ndidnt want anyone to think I followed him. If I went there I would have probably finish my damn nursing degree. Don't go awaY to school at 21, that's weird and your old. Don't go to cosmetology school you need a real degree. You should vaccinate your kid trust me. Arrrggggggg! I suppose in the overall picture of life I am happy, and without those mistakes I wouldn't be here so they were worth it.

Our jobs as the parents of ASD children is now to spread knowledge and to not be quiet about it. When one of my sibling or inlaws get pregnant I will be that nut that tells them to not vaccinate, to get the immune system work up, to get the chromosome tests, I don't want them to ever feel like this. I feel like I let my son play in traffic, and it was my job to protect him. There are nights I just lay in bed with him and pray and tell him I'm sorry if this was my fault.

No one should have to feel like this, I swear, if it comes out the government knew the whole time......I'll lose it.

Behavioral Regression Anyone?

Today was a mixed day. I will start with the good! LP has become less echolalic I have noticed. For a very long time he didn't answer, he just copied what you said. My dad stopped by and was drawing pictures for LP. Grandpa was making elephant noises and LP said " your funny Grandpa Joe!". Sooooo Appropriate!!! He has been saying funny things lately, like on Monday his teacher wore her hair curly like my sister in law does.....LP pointed at her and said " You look like Aunt Lisa!!". We are working on tons of emotions, but he still thinks it's funny when mama is mad. I try to make a mad face when I'm super pissed......he just laughs.

Now the bad.....ok not bad just inconvenient.

We went school shopping at Kohls......and like a typical 3 year old, my son learned to hide in clothes racks. The issue is my son does not understand to come back, nor does he care when you do that whole " I'm leaving you here, bye". He just screams back " bye mama". Out of the stroller he was running away, in the stroller he was hurting his sister. He just laughs when she cries, he hits her in the head, pulls on her legs....it's endless. I managed with many looks and nervous smiles, at one point I even blurted out he is autistic to a stranger because I wanted her to feel bad for me. That's so lame, but we were on line and again he was kicking his sister, the lady didn't even say anything, but I had to say something. Next stop.....supermarket. He has been doing so much better, but not today. I asked him if he wanted to push the cart or sit."..he picked push, fantastic. We go to produce and pick out what we need.....and again he flips out in the freezer section. He had a sweater, he wasn't cold!!! He runs away, he ran away again in the store, if I put him in the cart he tries to jump out, he ran head first into a ladies cart.....craaaappp. People say to leave him home, but I want to expose him to as much normal things as possible, but I find myself getting aggravated. I have been a hermit for months, and I'm trying to be brave and venture out and do typical things, but its so much work.

The hardest thing is the nervous looks. Today I felt the women were better, some older men looked annoyed. I younger guy laughed and told LP he was awesome as he dumped a bag of grapes all over the dairy aisle.....I ran ay from that spill haha. I was in a mode that I wanted someone to say something so I could yell at them. His active level is off the charts and I just have no idea how to lower it.

He really is the sweetest boy, I feel horible when I am so frustrated. My mother in law once wished upon my husband that our child would be like him if not worse as a child......her wish came true. We are in such a regressive behavioral rut that it's painful.....he now can talk, but he won't listen.