Thursday, August 18, 2011

My Personal Mental Anguish

I first apologize for my down posts and demeanor lately. Mostly it's because I began this blog at a turning point in our lives as a form or therapy and help via the ASD community. I love to share my sons progress, but I also feel it is important to display the negative aspect to show others that they are not alone. When we began this journey, I was very was not till I started this blog that I found others like myself......i thank you all for that!

That being said, I have been in a ton of emotional pain lately. Between school starting, losing our therapists and general anxiety, I'm a mess. I don't know 100% what happened to my son. I know something happened with vaccines. I do think he was predisposed, I know his cousin has it and I remember thinking I wouldn't vaccinate. The other day I found the vaccine book on my shelf, barely touched that I purchased while pregnant with LP. I never finished it because I thought I was crazy, I thought how could I not trust the medical community. I remember thinking the dr was so sweet as she looked me in the eye and told me they were the same shots she would inject into her grand children. So now, I feel enormous amounts of guilt. I had the resources to say no but I listened to everyone else anyway. My husband has complained to me on numerous occasions that I care too much about other people and should just listen to myself. It's the story of my life, didn't go to Scranton bc my ex was there.... ndidnt want anyone to think I followed him. If I went there I would have probably finish my damn nursing degree. Don't go awaY to school at 21, that's weird and your old. Don't go to cosmetology school you need a real degree. You should vaccinate your kid trust me. Arrrggggggg! I suppose in the overall picture of life I am happy, and without those mistakes I wouldn't be here so they were worth it.

Our jobs as the parents of ASD children is now to spread knowledge and to not be quiet about it. When one of my sibling or inlaws get pregnant I will be that nut that tells them to not vaccinate, to get the immune system work up, to get the chromosome tests, I don't want them to ever feel like this. I feel like I let my son play in traffic, and it was my job to protect him. There are nights I just lay in bed with him and pray and tell him I'm sorry if this was my fault.

No one should have to feel like this, I swear, if it comes out the government knew the whole time......I'll lose it.

1 comment:

  1. My daughter has voiced the exact same words at times. I think it is easy to blame ourselves when life hits hard like this. We don't expect it, we're not prepared for it, our dreams are all picture perfect and then wham!! Somebody literally pulls the rug out from under you. And after all YOUR the mom.. Its not the parents fault Danielle. Had the majority of every parent had "concrete proof" to known their child would have been dealt this hand you all would have made different decisions, but the medical field itself is to blame. Instead of saying "we're not sure just yet, there really isn't enough research".. decisions would have been so much easier and no parent woudl have felt intimidated or guilty by saying.."No thank you, we're going to wait a bit longer before we get their vaccination shots."

    I sat in the dr office with my daughter, Danielle when she voiced "her own personal" concerns over the shots and heard the doctor explain away all the controversial concerns and how safe they are. I watched the concern in my daughters eyes as she struggled with did I make the right decision as they gave her son his vaccination shots. And I was with her when she was given the diagnose too. It hurt and it made me angry. As a parent of 4 children who are now all grown, I have so many things hindsight could have made some situations totally different. But we are not born with hindsight. I think the worse part in all of this is that even the very topic of vaccinations vs autism is still taboo in the medical field, so what do you do? Just educate yourself with as much knowledge as you possibly can now and be the best advocate for your son. As years go by and he begins school he is going to need you to speak up.. to speak LOUD but gentle and to look out for his best interest in the school systems. Not all school systems are difficult when it comes to dealing with autism but some are. So educate and equip your self and your son will teach you how to be "his" mom a time goes on. The bond you form with him and your daughter will cause many non autistic parents to covet. It is a special bond because every single step of progress is appreciated.. the littlest of little pranks he pulls on you, an I love you, a disorganized toy closet will thrill you beyond what your heart can contain. When I see my grandson look me straight in the eye and grab my face to his and he gives me the biggest kiss ever, I just cry because (That's not suppose to happen in his little world) I am so blessed and happy..

    Its going to be a very different journey ahead for both you Danielle and your husband and going to need the greatest support system you can get as time goes by. So don't be afraid to speak out when something concerns you now and Yes educate those around you. Some will listen and some will get very angry. But you will have peace in your heart when you go to bed at night. And you will also learn how to wait for the door to open to talk with others as well when your in doubt with those "should I or should I not".. But yes you have a right to be angry, just let the anger be your motivator toward getting the most informed information there is for you child and you will do just great with all this. Don't loose sight of this either.. God is very much aware of the real source of how your son came into autism and He loves your son with a fierce love Danielle... Whatever or whoever the source is that created this world for Frankie does not go unnoticed by God, He is very much in control, and will maintain being in control. So just continue put it all in His hands and let Him work through you in spite of everything. Let His light shine..