Remember You

Remember to take care of yourself.......I am writing this, as I am trying to do this for myself.   I'm really trying to practice what I preach.....easier said then done.  I've heard this told to me before and I remember rolling my eyes internally and thinking, um ok, you have no idea.

I think what people should explain is that this "you time" doesn't need to be some huge grand adventure.  I kept thinking of some big thing I would go do for myself, and I would constantly shut it out, because in reality going to Vegas far far away from my children was never going to happen.

So I did something really little.....I bought a cheap pair of Big Sunglasses!  In a Previous Post, I had mentioned I use to have a pretty awesome collection of Big sunglasses.  It was part of who I was, part of my identity, I have a big head, so big sunglasses are great.  So for $5 I purchased a ridiculously odd pair of floral print sunglasses.  It felt goooooood.  Oh yea, it was the littlest thing, nothing huge and it felt so good.  I wanted to wear them, but it was 8pm so I would look kind of dumb.  So I propped them on top of my head and went on my merry way, smile ear to ear, for $5 I got a piece of myself back.

I'm Supermom, an Autism diagnosis will never get me down......yea right

I wonder if its possible to be in denial for 4 months? Ok, maybe its not denial that i exactly suffer from, but instead extreme optimism. After LP's diagnosis, I thought to myself, "ok this is ok, we can do this" I smiled at the psychologist and said "That's what I thought it was, great at least now I know". I then began an aggressive Early Intervention program and read everything I could about Autism.

I never cried. I had the optimism that since it seemed to be a High Functioning form that my son would be perfectly fine. He would grow up to be the Aspie type, have a job, live alone, get married, have kids. I never have doubted any of those things in my mind until last week.

I told myself I would never get down, I would always be positive......that is until transition tantrum 500,000. LP has been through another round of evaluations, which once again placed him below what I expected. No matter how much he can read and memorize, the fact that he cant have an actual conversation with you that's not scripted puts him at a lower percentile compared to other kids.

In four months I never broke down.....the last 2 weeks I think I have broken down at least 4 times. I'm going to get all cliche now and say things like....I never pictured this as our life, I'm mourning the perfect child I wanted, parenting shouldn't be this difficult, I just want to go to a mom and me group with out my son running and jumping uncontrollably, I want strangers to stop staring, I don't want to be anxious about LP, I don't want to fight with my spouse about how to handle things with LP, I want to leave my son in Sunday school without disrupting the whole class, I want my son to understand that things are dangerous, I want regular discipline to work, i want to shower without worrying that LP has jumped off a chair or dresser......I could go on forever.

Don't get me wrong, in 4 months my son has gone from non verbal to reading. He has learned to sit and stand, give strangers hugs, give kisses, say Hi and Bye, ask for food or a drink, hold hands while we walk, love his sister to death, take a bath without crying, learn to love the pool.....and best of all, tell me he loves me.

Its a long road we are on.....i hit some bumps this week.....I'll be more optimistic tomorrow, i promise!