Today I feel helpless, usually I feel bitchy. Another note in Frankies book today, chair flipping, screaming and head slamming. 32 minutes into being home and I've been slapped in the face.....I put tv on because I can't handle him. Can you imagine wanting your child to stop touching you. 30 minutes into being home and I can't sit on the couch with him beause he is sticking his fingers in m bellybutton, doing headstands on me, pulling my hair, slamming his forehead into mine as a game.
Today is one of those days I question everything I am doing and wonder if I am doing it in vain. The supplements, the doctors, intense schooling.....is it all in vain? I never let myself think that Frankle will not finish school, go to college and get a job. I always think he will meet a great understanding girl and get married and make me a grandma. Then I have the few days like this where I wonder if that's all a delusional fantasy. He gained so much in the first 6 months of therapy and now he has plateued.....we all though he would continue to go in leaps and bounds.....now it's like tiny baby steps if anything. This is what leaves me feeling helpless.
Now for Bitchy......it's a permanent state I am in.....ok maybe not permanent. Here is an example of something that may help those parents with typical children understand. My son is in a class to teach him how to eat. My son is almost 3 and a half and he needs to be taught how to eat without flipping out. he will have a full on anxiety attack if the entree is not cereal or chicken. No amount of punishment I'll end this anxiety. Your typical 3 year old eats food, asks for food, asks for drinks, can sit in a chair and can be disciplined normally.....mine can not. I am sure I will still get some parents and strangers saying I'm some sort of push over parent and I should let my son starve, he will get the point, he just needs harder parenting and let me tell you...I AM F-ING SICK OF YOU.
So there is bitchy, sometimes little things wil set me off because it just took an hour to do something that should take 5 minutes. The constant questioning from strangers and non strangers alike makes me bitchy. If you had cancer and I questioned you constantly if you really thought chemo and radiation were the right treatment......your getting it now right? No my child is not screaming because I'm a shitty parent. Not having a table cloth doesn't make me lazy to discipling my son, it means I am tired of an entire table of things falling on the floor.
To end it all though.....is a little boy running in cirlces around m living room singing " I've been looking for a friend like you, someone, to make each day brand new and share the fun in the sun, even if a rainy day comes....."
He's an Angel....