Crazy Christmas!

The Holidays came and went and in all reality, the children handled it better then expected.  If you asked me two weeks ago how it would have panned out I would have predicted a much different outcome.

The last few years we have done Christmas eve at my fathers house.  I know, I am suppose to alternate Holidays with my husbands family but.....Christmas Eve with my dad is my thing.  My Babci (grandma in Polish) was the one who held the Christmas Eve festivities since the time of my birth.  Every year, always the same, Dec 24th I was in Jersey in a basement eating shrimp and pierogies sharing Oplatki and mispronouncing words in the Bible.  In 2007, about a month before I found out I was pregnant with Frankie, my Babci passed away.  After that Grandpa Joe took over, and though its now in NY with less people and on the first floor.....That's just where I am happy, I might be typical, but i still don't love change.

With that being said......Holidays riddle me with anxiety.  In the last 4 years I have not been able to relax for one Holiday.  The last few have made me anxious to the extreme, relax isn't even in my vocabulary.

She's Chocolate Wasted

Thanksgiving did go well this year so I'm not so sure why I was concerned.  Maybe it was the 4 houses in 48 hours that freaked me out.  You heard me 4 houses in 48 hours.  Christmas Eve at Dad's  in Long Beach was our first stop.  I had a separate anxiety about the whole thing as I hadn't been to Long Beach since Sandy.  It was one of those towns on the TV where houses were set on fire, boardwalks disappeared and peoples lives turned upside down.  My father has lived there since I was 2 and my step mom her whole life, so while its not my town, its still MY town.

The children held up well that night. Lia cried because she wasn't getting her way but....that's a separate issue.  Children passed out and Santa showed up!







Good Morning!  Santa was here!  Opening gifts was a good time. For the first time, he really got it.  They both REALLY got what was going on.  I have never been so thrilled to see my money gone on toys and truly appreciated.  They got everything they wanted.....and I was so blessed they didn't want that much lol.








The Whirl Wind began shortly after.  We went over to my in laws a few towns over to open some gifts and have some breakfast.

Pack kids back in car....Frankie has first Melt Down.  He doesn't understand we are driving 20 minutes to my Brother in laws house.  He thinks we are canceling Christmas, he is screaming, freaking and now my anxiety builds.  I can only think to myself, please God, Don't make the whole day like this. 

I drink Coffee....recharge!   Get to Brother in laws house.  Children are happy.....the boy is even more thrilled by the pool table in the basement!  We eat, open gifts have a great time and then I realize we must get back in the car to drive to my aunts house 20 minutes South.  As I pack up I start getting anxious again when my Husband does the funniest/meanest/silliest/smartest thing ever.

Husband: Frankie want to see the SURPRISE?  Yea a Surprise, its in the car!!! lets go see it!

Frankie: A SURPRISE IN THE CAR!!!!  OK!!!

In my head I am thinking this can only go wrong.....I run out behind them with a handful of cookies awaiting a crying child....instead I see my husband laughing going back to get the other two.  I reach the van and Frankie is hanging out in the seat.  I say "hey, i have your surprise, its a cookie"  He was cool with that.  I asked him if he was ok.....to which he says "yea, lets go, where is Lia and Baby James?"  ummmmm ok.  With that we left.  My husband some how figured out how to trick my son out of a melt down.  By the time we got to my aunts, he was so happy to see people he forgot that we left my Brother in laws.

I'm not into tricking the kid like that, but it was probably the smartest thing my husband has ever done.  It saved me a meltdown.....because of course we had one when we left the last house that night.

Its getting easier.  These Holiday things, THANK GOD are getting easier.  I am going to just embrace it and not question it.  Happy Holidays and Happy New Year <3 Us!

I Am MY sons Mom

I am MY sons Mom.....I am not Adam Lanza's mother, and neither is anyone else.

This is NOT the time to argue gun laws, religion, politics, Autism, mental illness or get your blogging 15 minutes of Fame.  Yes, this is a real problem, but like many people have said before ENOUGH for now with the monster that did this and think more about who we lost.

Thats all I have to Say about that. 

I kissed my son 5 times before he got on the bus today.......

Remember these babies and the ones who tried to protect them:

- Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female
- Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male
- Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female.
- Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female
- Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female
- Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06, male
- Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female
- Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06, female
- Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06, female
- Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male
- Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06, male
- James Mattioli , 3/22/06, male
- Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05, female
- Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female
- Emilie Parker, 5/12/06, female
- Jack Pinto, 5/06/06, male
- Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male
- Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06, female
- Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06, female
- Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female
- Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982, female (full date of birth not specified)
- Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female
- Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female
- Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male
- Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06, female

I want a Box of Wine For Christmas

Don't judge me. 

I am going to get my box of wine and then place it in this purse!  There have been many parents who have kids on the spectrum who admit to being on medication, happy pills, whatever you want to call it.  I personally am afraid of antidepressants/anti anxiety meds so instead I will have a drink. 

My husband made a joking comment to me last night.  Basically that its funny that I have a drink almost every night.  Maybe it was something in me that makes me feel judged but my question is, why is our society so ok with pills prescribed by a Dr. but freaked out by alcohol (in moderation) or God forbid Marijuana. 

Who knows, I don't have the answers....but after my kid spilling soup about an inch from my computer....I'm having a drink

I Do Work

This is what I do.  Sell bags and organizing solutions to women (and some men).  Um, what better thing to be involved in then organizing solutions that help with scheduling etc? 

I was very turned off by Direct Sales, I don't like pushy people that shove parties and opportunities down my throat, I hide from the Tupper Wear lady, My mother is an Avon Lady and I use to make fun of her. Now, I sell Thirty-One....go figure.

Dec. 5th I find myself pregnant and in need of extra money and see a side bar ad on a blog.  I request a catalog and leave it in Gods hands.  I open the catalog to find a bag with my daughters name.....Sign 1.....then I Find this womans story..... She is the mother of 3.  Her oldest has Autism......she goes on to describe her life that mirrored mine and I knew that was it.  I signed up Dec 26th.  Has it made me a multi-millionaire?  No.  Has it given us extra income to pay off debt?  Yes.  Has it gotten me out of the house to interact with other grown women?  Yes.  Has it given me a project thats for ME? Yes.  Has it given me an outlet away from this whole Autism thing?  You bet!


So, In January I will be doing a giveaway in honor of my 1 year anniversary with Thirty-One and my sons 2 year ASD Diagnosis anniversary.  My Question is.......  What do you want to win???  I'll post photos below and vote, or do you just want a $50 credit? Let me know what you could use because I'm giving them away :)

Just life

I meant to think of something profound and amazing to write about today.  I got nothing.  I was sure, positively sure, that something would jump out at me.  Instead I spent most of the day annoyed that regardless of what I do someone is spilling juice or something wet on my couch or rug.

This is parenthood, Autism or not, kids are just messy.  I need to really get over it I know, but today was the day when even my husband was spilling things.  I know better then to buy nice things but at some point you don't want your cheap stuff to get ruined either.

Juice cups with tops you suggest?  Oh yea we got those.  Somehow, like the juice gods are laughing at me, no matter what cup there is liquid coming out.  First next to the table....then later under the ottoman...then husband spills bowl of water he's using to shine his shoes....by the evening, when they opened the fridge and dumped an open yogurt on the floor.......

I asked the children to leave the kitchen as I was about to HULK smash the fridge. 

I think thats one of those annoying things about Autism.  The boy sometimes just doesn't get it.  He does something and no matter what action is taken, he continues to do it and never understands really why I am upset.  For the 10,000 time i say dont open the fridge, ask mommy for help.  I turn around and 5 minutes later...kids in the fridge.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Autism....Maybe Bill Cosby was right.

A Happy Feel Good Post

Just Kidding!

Well, only kidding a little bit.  I recently read a Blog by Autism Daddy called "Pulling Back The Curtain On Autism... no miracles here..."  

It made me remember one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a while and kind of disappeared.  I have one of those kids.  I have one of those kids that has come so amazingly far and one day people will probably look at him and just think he is quirky.  I felt weird because he was doing so well.

Sometimes I feel on the outskirts of the Autism community now because my sons biggest issues are mainly behavioral.  He won't eat, he won't use the potty and he has the worst temper.  In two years I went form having a stimmy Non-verbal kid who on occasion had banged his head on concrete to a Moody Teenager in a 4 year olds body.

They tell me he still has issues processing thing, transitions are still tough, he can't pay attention and he gets overly emotional when his friends don't agree to play with him.  Again, to me, his issues aren't that huge anymore and it makes me feel funny.

So my thing is, I know there is a deeper, darker side to Autism,  I think that side is played down.  So here I am bitching because my son won't eat his food and being happy that he wants to do 1st grade level workbooks and I feel like I add to the problem.

Just because my kid is Sheldon (BBT) doesn't mean all Autistic kids are.  To my fellow parents who have children more severe, know that I think of you constantly when I write.  We are on the Same journey but it is Very, very different.  Because seriously, no matter how smart my kid or your  may be, I get so annoyed when I hear "You know they say those kids with the Autism are Super genius".....ugh, If we are doing that, then Asian and Indian kids are also super smart and I am dumb as a bag of rocks because I'm Polish :)

Sometimes its Me

Since I have had children, I suffer from slight Agoraphobia.....some days Crazy Big Agoraphobia.  When I was childless I drove everywhere, did everything, saw everyone...I.Was.Awesome. 

I can only blame Autism a little in all of this, in reality its me.  It started with being fearful of my sons behaviors in public.  While he learned to control most of his behaviors, for some reason my fear and anxiety continued to grow anyway, I feel safest in my cramped apartment. 

I feel like I a doing my children a disservice.  My friends bring their kids to the park and on play dates and I am riddled with anxiety about just leaving the house.  Do I have PTSD or is this typical of mothers of three young children?  I feel like a crap mom. 

Its Saturday, I have no plans.  Kids are playing blocks and I am meandering the Internet.....and I feel like crap because the idea of putting them int he car and going anywhere is too stressful for me.  I need to grow out of this.  Till then, its blocks and Arts and crafts :)

Bleach is Not Neurotxoin.....and it didn't give my son Autism

So at our national Autism Bloggers convention we were talking about the things that people say that may or may not hurt our feelings.  Ok just kidding, well only about the convention part but the topic has come up in conversation with other blogger friends. You have to remember, we are real people behind these pages, our feeling do get hurt. 

So Here is mine.....

One night I posted how cleaning my tub with Clorox Clean up reminded me of Chaminade High Schools Swimming Pool.  I was a competitive swimmer and that pool had so much chlorine in it, its surprising I didn't die.  The irony in all of this is I am sensitive to Chlorine so I had a runny nose all swim season... but I digress.  Well a fellow Autism mom decided to write to me "Bleach is a neurotoxin, you should NEVER USE THAT EVER".  Ok well I was really just looking for a rise from my old friends I swam with, wasn't trying to make a statement here, its my PERSONAL facebook.  I went on to try and explain how i only use clorox on the toilet and tub tiles because I have a real mold problem being in a basement apartment, how I usually use natural stuff but to ME the MOLD is worse on respiratory systems then the Bleach......Oh crap...

I was met with the whole :

onions in a tub...not my tub lol

"even a drop of Bleach is detrimental to your child, how dare you blah blah blah child with Autism, blah blah blah killing brain cells blah blah blah, terrible mother blah blah MOLD IS NATURAL SO ITS OK..." 

Ok I made that last part up.  My point is, Bleach is one of the Safer cleaning products out there other then natural cleaners.  If you told me cutting up an flipping ONION and rubbing it around my tub would do the same job as the bleach and kill all the mold, I'd be on it.  It doesn't, onion + tub = Smelly, teary, sill Moldy tiled tub.

My second point is Bleach is not the cause of my sons Autism.  Its not the cause of anyones Autism, its been around since before Autism was discovered so there.  I don't understand why other people who are in the same boat as me have to "school me".   SAME TEAM here people....I think my kid got Autism after a Flu shot because he was genetically predisposed and someone thinks its from MMR and someone else things its all genetic...FINE, good I am happy.  Just dont crucify other parents in a public forum for using bleach, or not going GF/CS, not doing ABA, for continuing to vaccinate, for having more then one kid after Diagnosis, for flipping whatever.  Stop, stop talking bad to each other and listen to each others story with open minds.  Just like you never met two people with Autism that are the same....you will never meet two families who have children with Autism that are the same. 

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

 My name is........(Jay-Z music starts)

Sorry, I like to entertain myself,  I'm the Neurotypical Mom.  I'm the mother of 3, my oldest guy who is almost Four and a half has Autism.

I started this blog in 2011 about 2 months after my son was diagnosed. It was my way to cope, my way to share and my way to complain.  In the early days I had no idea what to expect, but the truth is I was scared.  I remember 6 months or so before he was diagnosed I knew, as he sat in a stroller with no speech grunting at a infant toy.  I was reading a book saying he should be able to label boy parts....um yea right.

So blog I did.....and therapy he started, TONS of therapy.  He started labeling words and a year later I was able to have a conversation with him.  Around January of 2012 I stopped blogging. I was burnt out, 3 months pregnant, worried about my daughters development, started working a new job and needed a break.

Here I am back, My son speaks, most of his stims are gone, he does Meltdown usually in the morning or if he falls asleep on the bus ride home.  He still refuses to potty train and is very limited on the foods he eats.  He has some terrible behaviors that we are aggressively working on fixing.  What you dont like being spit on?  Right now he is in a integrated 12:1:2 with OT, PT, Speech, Play therapy and 1:1 therapy.  He has Celiacs disease and is Milk gives him tummy issues, so we are going GF/CF because we have to, not because i want to "cure" him.

I'm moderate on my ideas.  My son did have a reaction to a flu shot and he DID regress and fail to progress.  Saying that, at birth he was a little different.  I follow the school of thought now that there are many different causes, so eloquently explained by Autism Daddy here.

Forgive my past whiny Blog posts......i was a mama having a hard time.  Thank you for being here as I come back :)

I don't know if I can handle autism......

What do you say to the person that Googles that phrase? 

I never personally Googled "I dont' know if I can handle Autism".  There were certainly times in the early days, and sometimes even now when it has crossed my mind.  The days you are locked in the house because the idea of chancing a meltdown in public is paralyzing.  The times when you can't get your child to eat anything but goldfish and bread.  When you can't handle the stares of strangers and their disgust as your child punches you in the legs. The night when you hear that little voice say, "What if all this therapy doesn't work, what if he never talks, What in God's name am I doing?!?!"

What do I say to the person who Googles that phrase?

Take a deep breath...I promise it gets better.  Its cliche, I know, but the truth is you will not feel like this everyday, not forever.  My brand of denial was being overly aggressive with my sons therapy.  They said Autism and I said he will grow out of it.  What a mentality....I jumped into therapy.  It took months for it to come out, for me to look at this jumping, grunting child and saying to myself, "How am I going to do this?"

What are YOU looking for when you Google that phrase?

I can't read your mind, but I can try and guess.  Your looking for encouragement, for a light at the end of the tunnel, for some answer. To know that the pain you feel in your heart will subside one day.  

What I hope that YOU find when you Google that phrase?

There are unfortunately many of us feeling just as you do.  We are here as a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.  I know your pain, we know your pain.  At this point in time there are more questions then answers.  You can seek and believe what you want caused Autism.  Do not beat yourself up for your child's Autism diagnosis.  Regardless of what you think caused it, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  You can handle Autism, sometimes not alone and when those times you need help remember there are other of us out here walking the same path.  The pain will never fully go away, it will subside.  Love your child and love yourself and know there is a light at the end of this journey. 

Im exhausted

I keep meaning to write something enlightening, something a ton of people will share and be inspired by.  Honestly I'm exhausted.  Sitting here, nursing a baby listening to "Timmy Time" on the Ipad...I doze off and start dreaming about Timmy Time and Autism.  Odd?  Yes because I was reading about Autism as I nodded off, just trying to find that amazing topic.

I don't think its going to happen tonight..

This about sums it up :)

Christmas Card 2012

I took the kids Christmas pictures myself this year........sigh.....

From My house to yours, here is our gag Christmas Card.....everyone looks thrilled :)

Honestly though out of the 120 I took I got 4 good ones....that You cant see till everyone gets theirs in the mail, Sorry :)

Colorful Language

So After just posting how i wasn't going to be all Negative Nelly.....I have Stories lol.

So this year the boy is in a 12:1:2 (sort of) that has 12 kids in the morning, 6 typical, 6 ASD with a Spec. Ed teacher, regular pre-k teacher and 3 aids.  Then in the afternoon is the 6 ASD boys alone with one Spec. Ed and 3 T.A's

After that background, last year he was in self contained with kids with multiple different delays, all sweet, all pretty amazing.  This year he is with at least 2 kids that have some tough behavioral issues....one of which is Cursing.

Yes, my son speaking is a blessing, he has come so far but the day he says "Shut the F- Up".....well thats the day I wish he would stop talking.  I ignore the behavior, but now im finding myself warning people he may say it to take the blame off myself.  All I coudl think was, what if he goes to Sunday school and says that???  Will they think he hears that at home...AHHHHHH.

Recently he has also told me he is going to throw me in the garbage and in the photo above he was telling me he was going to squish me.  I just keep tellign myself that 2 years ago, he grunted and jumped in place....I should be happy he wants to express to me that he is pissed and wants to throw me in the garbage and that I should Shut the F- up.

God Help me..... lol.....

Evolution

February will mark out 2 year Autiversary..... Oh the way how life has changed and Children have grown (and been born)

I stopped blogging in January of last year because I was really tired of complaining or reading other blogs that were on a constant reel of complaining.  Complaining and being negative is bad for your energy.... everyones energy and being newly pregnant, I knew it was not good for me.

Yes, when your child is first diagnosed it is stressful.  You can sit there and blame genetics, vaccines, the enviroment.  In the end I can't change it, I can't take it back  and crying and wallowing won't fix it.

So, this is evolution.  Yes I am mainly an Autism blog, but Autism is not my LIFE.  Autism is good chunk of it, my sons issues consume a lot of my time, but, just like it doesn't define him, it doesn't define me.  I'll be posting about OTHER things, other children, being a mommy, being a Christian, my job, products that rock, my husband, how terrible people drive, set backs,  progress and stupid pictures of myself with things like Pineapples and hanging out upside down..... just because I'm Neurotypical doesn't mean I'm not weird.

My Second Boy

I was concerned about having a third child.  My concern was that the third child would be male, that he would have a higher risk of developing a Spectrum Disorder.

Only Time will tell, but let me tell you....he is 3 months old and he talks up a baby storm.  He is also enormous and I'm lucky that the kids love him.