What has become of Motherhood?

I have a que of unfinished blog posts waiting to be revised and published but I can not let this one be one of those pieces left to rot in my blogger back page.

This week my daughter was Star of the Week.  We got to fill out a paper about her and have her bring in toys and items to tell her friends all about herself and her interests.  Woo hoo The end!  No..... On Tuesday morning my Doe eyed beauty looked up at me and said " you need to make me cupcakes because I'm the star, I think you should make them tonight and bring them in Wednesday".

I looked at that Angelic face and said "Since WHEN do I need to make cupcakes for this too?"  It was a mixture of embarrassment as well as annoyance, had I forgotten some special mom thing I needed to do in order to make my daughter fit in and if so WHY?  Wednesday morning I asked her teacher if this cupcake thing was the norm only to have her look at me with eyes that said  no, this has gotten out of control.......  She said.... "no no no , if you want to you can but one mom brought them in one week and then every other kid brought them in after so believe me, if you don't it's not a big deal. Friday we are having a birthday so if you want you can bring another snack if Lia wants"

I long for the days before social media (even though its my guilty pleasure) and Pinterest.  The days before I could be shown how inadequate I was.  I scroll through Facebook seeing these amazing projects and birthday parties and feel like the worlds least magical mother.

 My kids have never been to Disney, I don't have birthday parties at places, I don't go over the top with Santa,  I don't like baking and On their birthdays they don't woke up to a living room full of gifts and streamers and waffles with ice cream.  According to Modern Mothering I'm an A-hole.

Motherhood has become this Marathon which creates anxiety and insanity in all of us.  I like to think we are running this marathon and we are hoping that when its done these kids ended up OK.  Apparently in this day and age at the end of this marathon the kids not only need to end up OK, they need to be well rounded, popular, happy, successful, honor role achieving super athletes who are going to better the world and I had to do it all while Selling the Idea that the world is made of Unicorns and rainbow and hopefully I will be lucky I'm not dead at the finish line.

Everyday we have a damn activity to go to and this week I cancelled 2 of them because i just couldn't.   I'm literally so exhausted I fall asleep in places not meant for sleep.  A little over a month ago I fell asleep at my kitchen table scanning patient files for work.  I fell asleep with my chin on my hand and proceeded to lose my balance, fall and crack my head on the floor.  ER visit, CT scan ,concussion and 4 days of wooziness later I was back at the madness.  I told myself I was going to slow down and it didn't happen.

I promised my daughter I would bring Pretzels to school as her special snack for Star of the week.  As I grocery shopped i realized I forgot to send the damn things in.  My mind was on work  (I work from home) I needed to fax over and I completely forgot.  So I ran o the pretzel aisle and bought some Start stickers, threw them in a pretty bag and ran to the school.  That extra trip had me late to pick up my youngest at school so i had to run there.  I ran home so I could then fax over work stuff and find paperwork my husband needed and as i did all this running I slipped on my rug, twisted my ankle, fell and hit my head on banister to the stairs.

I sat on the floor for a minute....i called my husband, my step mom and my mom.  My mom said she thinks i need to slow down.  I think I need to slow down too but is it realistic?  I'm sitting here typing when I am suppose to be at a play date in 13 minutes and then in 3 hours I need to be at pack night for cub scouts, then i need to feed all the kids and put them to bed because tomorrow i need to wake up and go shopping for birthday gifts because we have two birthday parities this weekend...... and next week is Thanksgiving nonsense at school.   Yes I know that was a major run on sentence but that's how i feel like my life and most moms I knows life has become..... an INSANE run on sentence with no breaths in between.

I'm not sure when the turning point came for this new motherhood we are in.  Maybe it was when women went to work, when we had the choice on the life we wanted to lead....and then slowly the choice was taken away since we needed two incomes to survive.  Having the two incomes didn't bring freedom or change women's roles, we just ended up more tired.  I'm tired.

I think we all need a break....... who wants to form a Mommy Union with me?

You're So Laid Back......

   

I hear this all the time.  You're soooooo laid back, you're sooooo ok, you're sooooooo just happy.

Today I cried.   I cried because its October and I am already overwhelmed.  Unless you read this blog.....you would have no idea I cried.  You would most likely assume I am cheery , happy, laid back,  even keel Danielle because.....that is who I am on the outside....and for the most part the inside too.  Its those days though, the days it finally hits again and I lose it.....those days are tough and no one sees them other then my husband or one of the kids.

How are you so Nice/ok/loving/happy?....... First and foremost I'm a Christian.  A Christian who put all my faith and hopes in the hands of the Lord a long time ago.  Christians always say things are in "God's hands" or "you need to surrender" and it wasn't until Autism was in our life that I truly knew what that meant.

I don't know what will happen for Frankie in 10, 20, 30 years....I also don't know what will happen tomorrow.  He is the definition of erratic.  Everyday is a surprise in terms of behavior.  It was when that started happening about 3 years ago that I learned what it was like to truly surrender.  I will try my hardest, but tomorrow is always a NEW day and that can mean a positive attitude can go to a negative rather quickly.

It was through that....well THIS because I do this on a daily basis....that I learned to not sweat the small stuff.....or even the BIG stuff some days.  When your life revolves around the mental health of your child everything else become trivial.  My car makes crazy noises, who the F- cares, my sink is leaking, i don't care, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 people and i don't care because the money and time spent on him is more important.....because its ALL SMALL STUFF.

Today I cried because my son was approved for 1 hour of therapy 5x a week at a center IN new Hyde Park which is 30 minutes from my house.  I cried because I have put him first for the last 5 years.  Everyday after school I will have to drive my three kids a half hour each way for Frankie's therapy.  Today my daughter looked at me and said "You promised me you were going to sign me up for Dance, you didn't, the ballet outfit you bought me should fit by now".  What do I say to her?  Do I say.....Frankie has to come first again?

I'm laid back but.....I'm not that laid back.  I'm not super human, I have insane anxiety....i just hide it well.

No.....He is Not Mainstream

I re-read a blog I wrote 2 + years ago... It was called "I cured my sons Autism with Granola Bars and juice made in China" .   My Internet buddy Autism Daddy has cited that post (with my permission ) and I figured I'd update you all.

I wrote then how he looked recovered.....he still does....I wrote about inclusion Kindergarten....That kinda happened.....I wrote about mainstreaming in 1st grade....that did NOT happen.

I have talked about this phenomena that happens to us parents of high functioning kids, the one where we assume our kids will be ok by 1st or 2nd grade.  You go through early intervention, you do preschool you see amazing things happening and you say....this is going to be a one way train to normalcy.  WRONG.

Ok, maybe some people have amazing success stories.  Maybe some have all their dreams work out.  We on the other hand are still in a self contained class.  Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled with his placement.  He's in a 12:1:1 following typical curriculum.  He even has it in his IEP that he can push into a a mainstream class once he can get his behavior under control.....but....behavior is 100% not in control.

I could go on and on about his aggressive behavior but that is a long story and a blog for another day.

Its a strange limbo to be in.  He is in Cub Scouts with typical kids, he has 1:1 play dates with typical kids, he acts like a typical kid but.....the behaviors and impulsivity.....we are still working on that.

Still, 2 years after i poo pooed all those crazy treatments, i still look at them every once and a while.  We use essential oils and Epsom salt baths.  Do they cure?  No.  DO they calm?  Yes.  I called to look at NAET treatments and then kinda got sticker shock.

I don't need to fix him nor do I want to fix him but, I want him to be comfortable in his own skin.  Time will tell, I'm just done having expectations.  I mean I expect him to be an amazing boy, teen, man but.....I wont expect him to be the head of NASA ;)

With that..... He doesn't like Granola Bars anymore and the new juice we drink is actually organic but its Cheap because its from Aldi.  Maybe that's part of the behavioral regression....maybe that Chinese apple juice was the Cure!

Happy 7th Birthday Little Frank

Well not Little anymore.

I posted the following photo on my Facebook.....someone commented about how unsure I looked on the Left.

I look unsure because I was!!  Every birthday I write some sappy stuff and I'm sure the boy will read it in the future.  I will give it a break this year and laugh at myself.  I gave birth at 3:02 am.....they then took the boy to the nursery and I went to my room.  They brought him back to me around 7am....

This was left in my room while I was in the bathroom.....

Literally....I came out of the bathroom and there was a baby in my room....no nurse....just this baby I had seen for 10 minutes at 3am before they whisked him away and I passed out (terrible birth story on that but that's another blog).  SO I took the picture above...... Just me and the boy in the room on July 6th 2008.  

I sat there and stared at him for 15 minutes or so..... looking back it reminds me of some national geographic documentary where a mommy animal isn't sure about its baby.  I didn't really know what I was suppose to do with him.  I paged the nurse.....  She comes in and I ask her.... "what do I do with him?"  She looks at me and says...."whatever you want, he's yours".  "Do i pick him up?"  I ask..... "do you want to pick him up?" She asks...... "maybe?"  

So I picked him up....and THEN I fell in love with that little baby.  We had a delayed attachment...well a few hour delay nothing insane.... because I was so unsure of myself.  

I never let him go.  I got reprimanded multiple times in the hospital for falling asleep with him but he was mine so like the nurse said....I was going to do whatever I wanted with him. 

I let that kid sleep in my bed till he was two.....talk about not letting go ;) .  

Happy 7th Birthday Frankie

You have grown to be more amazing then we 

Ever Imagined!

The Little Boy That Could - Written 6/18/14 but Never Published here

That Picture......These pictures have only started coming home in Frankie's back pack in the last few months.  I'm not sure if he just didn't have the time or maybe his creativity hadn't peaked yet, but all these lovely drawings are new to me.  Some I hang up and some I stow away in a special cubby he has that house crafts since he started school at 3.

This picture was different.  I found it, like others before, and placed it on the kitchen table and smiled.  Through out the course of the night he was obsessively asking for new crayons and after about an hour asked me for a stapler.  I questioned what he was doing, then he told me he needed to show two children, in the mainstream class , that he too could draw and color in the lines.  If you have yet to read my about section, my son was diagnosed with Autism at 30 months.  Since then he has been in some sort of intense therapy and at age three began full time 8am-3pm schooling 5 days a week. OT, PT, Speech, etc. etc.    He now is in a special Ed class and is mainstreamed certain parts of the day.

  So here he sat, holding this picture,  telling me about how he was told he was not a very good drawer and never stayed in the lines.  He started getting upset because no one could tell that the orange figure on the right was a tick tock crock and how he should have used green but he was too terrible at coloring.  That thing in the middle.....its the Jolly Roger, Captain hooks boat, but no one could tell because he was a bad drawer and he should be better.

I'll be honest, at first I was angry.  I was angry that anyone would tell him he wasn't good.  It took close to two years to get him to hold a pencil right and now hes stressed out about his drawing abilities.  Of course I took a step back and realized that no Five or Six year old is going to understand the mountain that Frankie has climbed.  The mere fact that he had enough imagination to think up this scene from Jake and the Never land Pirates and then tried to produce it on paper while sitting quietly in a mainstream classroom was a friggen miracle.....no one could know that.

My son began to cry the more I insisted that his drawing was amazing, he cried because he said he would never be good.....and then I cried.  I sat on the floor of his room and cried and cried that he was upset and then I cried  because I was glad he had enough emotion and realization of the world around him now that he could cry.  I sat him down on his desk chair and said..... "let me tell you a story about a little boy I knew...."

I told him a story......It went like this...... "Once upon a time there was a tiny little boy.  He didn't talk at all!  He liked to spin wheels and never answered to his name.  His mommy and daddy thought his ears were broke and he cried all the time.  The boy liked to jump all day and when he got angry he would hit his head, bite and hit others.  He didn't know how to play with his toys, friends or anything!............  He is now looking at me like I'm insane...........  Then one day the mommy called the doctors who told her that the little boy had Autism.  They told her that they didn't know what could happen.  The mommy and daddy even got the boy an Ipad because they didn't know if he would ever talk.  The little boy had teachers come to his house everyday for HOURS to teach him to play and listen and learn to talk....the little boy was so upset, he didn't think he couldn't do it sometimes and he would even try and throw tables........ Insert Wide eyed shocked look from my son now............... But the boy kept trying and trying and he surprised everyone, no one thought he could do the things he would do, some people didn't believe in him but his family and teachers sure did.  He tried so hard to learn new things and he did great at all of them.  Now he is doing awesome and still learning to do new things everyday!"........  Then I ask him.... "Do you know that boy?"  of course he says no.  So it came as quite a shock when I explained to him that, I had just told him the story of him.  I said "There were days I didn't think I would hear your voice ever and people told me they weren't sure if you would say more then one word at a time but you worked so hard and now your a great talker.  If you could learn to talk and write and play nice with your friends, I promise you, you will learn to draw". 

Frankie said ok.  I told him we would start working on learning to draw things tomorrow.  I asked him what he wanted to learn first and his reply was "I think maybe a star"

He is my star and tomorrow I will show him how to draw one <3

DIY Beach Hair.......

Quick tutorial on how to get "Bed head/beachy hair"

OK get ready....

1. Take Shower
2. DO NOT brush your hair
3. Put hair up in messy bun
4. Pour a HUGE glass of wine
5. Drink the Wine
6. Fall asleep 
7. wake up
8. Be scared of your reflection
9. Undo Bun
10. Put on a headband to look like you care
11. Wipe left over mascara out from under your eye
12. Drop child off at school. 

There you have it.  

The Neurotypical Moms Guide to Bed head hair....... just get out of bed.

You can throw on some sunglasses to make you look Hollywood

Thats me....Thats us

That's me, standing partially on a soccer field biting my nails.  I never bring a chair, I have never been able to sit down.  That's me, holding my head in my hands, then moments later holding my crying sons head in them also.

He wanted to play a sport and soccer is what he chose.  Coming out of an amazing year in Kindergarten and a relatively calm summer, I chose to put him in an intermurals team that was for typical children.  I may have made a mistake.....no, I made a mistake.

That's me running between two fields, one with my four year old daughter and the other with my son. That's me missing my daughters first goals because I have to wonder if my son will hit yours.  This is me looking like a basket case on the sidelines crying, crying because my son can't process and handle his emotions when your son says he's stupid.

There are days I wish I could hang a sign around my neck, or our necks that say "my son has Autism....yes i know he doesn't look it"  (whatever the F that means) .  I use to think the sticker on my car was obvious enough but, its not.  You see my son, he looks like your son...except mine is talking obsessively about numbers.  My son is socially awkward and anxious and your son picks that up.

That's me pacing up and down the sidelines, I see whats going to happen before it does.  That's me yelling "Frankie!" .  I'm sure half the parents think I'm some psycho helicopter parent, I don't want to be.  I want your kid to stay safe, my sons new response to your child's unkind words it to kick him.

Your kid kicked my kid....because my son is "weird".  You respond, "just stay away from him, stay away from that kid".  That's me wiping away my tears.  As much as bullying words hurt, parents telling their children to stay away from my son, that hurts just as much.  That's me dragging my sobbing son off a soccer field for running full force into another child....for no real reason.  Maybe you think I'm overly strict, maybe you think I'm being too hard on him.  That's me dragging him off early because i can't stand to cry in front of you all.

That's my son.....walking to apologize to your son....who ignores him because he was instructed to stay away from that kid.  Mine stands there defeated and yells, "I tried, they walked away"

That's us....walking off the field, defeated.  I waited to cry till I thought my son couldn't see me.  He saw me, he began to sob himself.  He made promises I know he can't keep, we have one more day of soccer, he made me promises.

The next time you see people like me, a family like us.....give them the benefit of the doubt.  Don't assume that child is bad, don't assume that mother is incompetent, teachyour children to be kind.

One....More.....Practice......God, let him get through that last practice, I'm going to have a positive attitude, because that's just me.

Im Going to Judge

If you know me, you know I'm the least judgmental person out there.  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, its just in my nature.  During the Kelli Stapleton trial, I kept my mouth shut.  I haven't commented, not once on the other parents who killed their autistic children.....that is till today.

Maybe its the manner in which Jillian McCabe killed her son... the idea,.....the thoughts that must have been going through that child's mind as his own mother threw him off of a bridge.  Just because a child is non- verbal, does not mean he does not understand.  I read THIS article, and watched the videos....I want to be sick.

I know what it is really.  Its that our boys were the same age....they are both 6.  Both our sons were diagnosed in February 2011.  While our boys are on different levels of the spectrum......today all I could picture was me....throwing my 6 year old off a bridge.  Truth is, I couldn't imagine it.  As difficult as Frankie's issues have been on us, mentally and financially....if I was depressed, I'd kill myself .  To hurt your child..... I have no words.  SO judge me for for judging Jillian McCabe, but I'm going to.  She's an asshole.

Soccer

Yes.....Soccer.  That's the title.....Nothing fancy.  This is what I base my come back on.....Friggen Soccer.

I left blogging for a little because I was tired.  It wasn't some move to gain sympathy and cries to not go like some others do.  I was just tired and out of material.  Frankie did amazing in Kindergarten, and that basically left me with no material.  Its hard to connect sometimes with other special needs families when all you say is "He's doing AMAZING" blah blah blah

Well thankfully for all of you Summer and the first few weeks of school have been less then AMAZING!   Yay Material back!

I thought it was time....it was time to get him involved in some typical kid things.  I right away new we were doing cub scouts and that sign up was done.  Then came a night in August while drinking my second glass of wine and watching some terrible reality show about parents who put their kids in too many sports, I decided I was signing BOTH my kids up for soccer.  

The next morning, I confessed to my husband that in my buzzed state I proceeded to take his credit card from this wallet and sign our kids up for soccer.....oh and not the special needs kind, no no, the typical kind.

So Saturday and Sunday mornings I was to report to the soccer field....3 kids in had, 2 in different age groups on different fields.  My daughter cried the first 2 weeks....then became a Super Star

Hot Pink Socks is mine :)

The boy.....well The boy.   Frankie started out thinking, he LOVED soccer.  He loves to kick the ball, yay soccer.  What we he did not anticipate was kicking that ball and maybe having other people take it, or get run into, or miss a goal, no, that he was not prepared for.  Soccer is over in 2 weeks....and up until this weekend, my son or I left crying from soccer, without fail.  There were days he had social anxiety and would hit, days kids called him a name and he took it to another level, days he threw himself on the floor because he was tired.....days he was ejected from games.

Its hard when parent volunteers are coaching.  They don't know what a child on the spectrum is like....have no clue how to deal with him.  I have this huge sense of guilt as I leave my 4 year old on a field across the grass and hover over my 6 year old praying he won't hit someone.

Last week I made a public wish.  I wished that we could make it through a weekend of soccer without one of us crying.  Saturday is practice and luckily he likes just practice so we made it through all tear free.  I woke up Sunday morning, started at the ceiling and thought....I can't do this, I can't do another Sunday of madness.

Soccer was at 11 and I'm pretty sure I didn't decide till 10 that we would go.  I knew they might be doing pictures that day.... if you know me, I love a good picture and so we got ready.  I did the whole talk in the car, "hands to ourselves, nice words only, if someone says your a loser say I don't care".......I do this everyday.  My stress turned to thankfulness when I saw the guy who runs the soccer club was working with Frankie's group.  I gave him the quick heads up on Frankie's previous weeks.  He put Frankie in goal (F WORDS FFFFFFF)....weeks prior Frankie had been in goal and had a meltdown.  To my surprise Coach K actually got in the goal with Frankie and helped him out, teaching him what he had to do instead of just letting him stand there.  Coach also made HUGE...and I mean HUGE deals out of what Frankie accomplished, the positive reinforcement was over the top, even in my book.  He stayed in goal, he liked it and hour later he was smiling for his team photo.

My wish came True.  This weekend there were no tears at Soccer....Hallelujah.  Only 2 weeks left!

Giving Money to Those who Need?

The back story to yesterdays Question goes like this:

Maybe I shouldn't have asked if you give money to Pan handlers because that's not really what the woman i saw was.

There have been times where i went to pay for something and didn't have enough money.  At least twice its happened at Walgreens, where I walked out all red faced and wished I was the recipient of a person wanting to give out good gestures and pay for my children's diapers.  Any time this has happened, I've said to God out loud, "God, please, if there ever is a person in front of me who is embarrassed like that, please let me have enough money to pay their tab. 

Its never happened......Then yesterday, I ran to walgreens to get diapers of course.  I counted my cash and was pleasantly surprised at how much money I had from painting, I thought maybe I'd buy myself a present for being awesome, maybe some makeup. 

I get to the door and see a woman in her 50's or early 60's smoking a cigarette and shaking, she looked like she had been through the mill.    People are ignoring her and walking away.  She comes up to me and says "Miss, my car is out of gas over in the villas, i just need to get home can I have a few dollars I can........"  Before she finished I blindly reached in my wallet and handed her enough money to get her a half tank in a small car I'm sure....I said, "just take it" and walked away. 

IT was only after that I started thinking maybe she was a career panhandler, with some sob story that wasn't true.  I'm over it now, I rather believe she had no gas and here is why.

This past year was SUPER Shitty for us.  My husband lost 2 jobs and then the Third filed for Bankrupcy protection....all while our paychecks were bouncing all over the place.  I had started my own second business (my first is Thirty-One)  Painting Furniture to make money for things like Pre-school.  Then the company going bankrupt let go half their staff...... Here I was in November, with $124 in the bank with no Christmas gifts for anyone and barley enough money to purchase food since I have a kid with a fancy allergy to Wheat.

I busted my rear painting but was stuck in the predicament of not having the $ to buy the supplies, but not having the portfolio or experience to be demanding large deposits.  SO, I Internet panhandled.

I said a prayer and set up an Indegogo.  I want to add I did not ask family for $ at this point, I don't want people to think they wouldn't help (because they actually did!) but I'm too prideful to ask them to help AGAIN.  My request was for people to help me start my business.  I didn't want people to blindly give me money and think I was going to go wild with it.  I in all honesty wanted to be able to buy supplies so I could work.  You know that whole "if you teach a man to fish " thing.....that  was my idea.

After 25 days, I had three donations....all three from wonderful bloggers who saw a woman in need....not a mooch.  There are a few blogs where people are constantly asking for money, I'm not talking a donate button, i mean True asking constantly.  They become professional pan handlers of the Internet, just like the ones you see in the city.

Here I was, a mom, asking humbly for help and I was ignored because of how people were burned by professional pan handlers.

Like me, I didn't know if this woman was a pro or really out of gas.  What if i just ignored her because I had been scammed before?  So I blindly gave, because people blindly trusted and gave to me.

Its been a few months but, Thank you P, B, &M.  Your help, even if you thought it was small, really cheered a sister up and gave me a little boost.  In The Park is doing amazing and I have you to thank :)

#Typicalmomcrap365

I read a blog not too long ago (but long enough ago for me to forget which one) regarding how PERFECT Instagram can make our lives look.  While I'm sure this topic has been covered many times before, I am going to go as far to say that ALL Social Media sites Skew reality.....we know this right?

Even with us all knowing that what we see on out computer/phone/tablet screens is superficial crap we still feel the pangs of jealousy and longing for our lives to be just as perfect as everyone elses.  I see families of perfect children smiling in perfect outfits  in front of a perfect houses and cringe....why is that not us?

 Why, why, why?  Why are my kids messy?  Why are the kids defiant?  Why cant I manage to do my hair every day?  Why am I not baking some awesomeness for my family?  Why am I a short order cook?  Why is the highlight of my day peeing alone?  Why don't I have a bigger house? Why do I answer the phone like a nasty person?  Why am I overweight?  Why am I not into Crossfit?  Why do I really love savory foods that then land on my hips?  Why don't I home school?  Why didn't I go back to school?   Why WHY does everyone elses life look better then Mine?

Why?  because its not reality.  Because a lot of it is showing off.  I'm not sure if we are looking for acceptance when we post how friggen awesome we are or some sort of validation.  I'm lead to believe is a little of both, but we never realize how crappy we can make others feel....because no one is perfect. 

   I could go on forever on this but let me zoom in on the perfect family photo Phenomena.  I actually do have a few beautiful family photos of the five of us frolicking in the sand.  I don't know how people perceive us because I don't bother to ask and most of the time I don't care.  Its possible that someone may be jealous of these gorgeous photos of us and our children, they look so perfect but let me break it down for you......

On this July day I put all my kids in the car...dressed in friggen WHITE.  I then had to convince my husband it would be fun since on his only day off he had to now have a photo shoot and he thought he needed a hair cut.

Get to the beach to meet our beautiful and talented photographer Kimberly Jean.   My oldest is now off the wall hyper and excited to see her.  Walk 10 miles to the beach site (ok not really) with 3 reluctant children who want Cheetos (they are wearing WHITE).  Take pictures of the baby who is always pretty compliant as the two older children are running through beach grass and picking up tics I'm sure.  Just as we are getting ok with the set up Mosquitos pop up.  Because the photographer is smarter then me, she has bug spray on hand....now spray reluctant kids with bug spray, screaming ensues.  Move to dunes....kids are rolling in dunes, I am having an anxiety attack at the thought of Lyme disease.

Oh look they are hugging..... five seconds later someones being pushed down a sand dune.  As for us getting a group photo, those 2 above were picked out of several shots.  The standing one was achieved by letting Frankie run from the top of the dune down the mountain where I screamed that I was FULL of Helium and he needed to hold on to my leg so I wouldn't float away.....yes that's 100% true.  While the second was us and three very hyper kids,  convulsing and squirming to get out of our arms as we both laughed in disbelief because this is too crazy.  Please God make it stop and pray that this photo shoot comes out ok.

There are so many others that came out perfect through all that and I posted every single one of them to portray My perfect Family.  I mean seriously, we look like some  family models or something.  Then Christmas came and I posted this one....

Right before my son went running through a tree farm demanding we find some treasure....after my youngest threw himself off the box and all during the time my daughter was making these horrible faces.

All of the above are split seconds of what looks like perfection.....in reality its just chaos, real life, honest to God chaos.  Something we all live with and should embrace instead of trying to hide.

I stopped trying to be perfect on social media a long time ago.  Some people think I'm nuts, I think its funny.  I love to show off my messy life, maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm not alone but maybe I'm helping someone realize They are not alone.  I guess its another form of validation. 

So yesterday I started #typicalmomcrap356 on FB, instagram, or whatever.  At least one photo a day of my imperfect, mundane, typical, non pintersty mom life.  I don't like feeling inadequate or imperfect and I don't want to ever make someone else feel like that.

So every day....the good, the bad, the ugly #nofilter

Find some awesome imperfection below!

The Evolution of the Neurotypical Mom

I have been really into Robin Thicke so, this photo and title felt appropriate.

I have been slow to blog recently.  Its not so much that I don't like blogging, as I don't have much Autism based topics to blog about.  I posed the question on Facebook about a month ago in regards to me expanding my topics and how people would feel about it.  Thankfully I got tons of positive responses!

At this point in my life, while Autism does take up a good amount of my time, I have two other children one SUPER typical and one a little soupy.  In 3 years my son has gone from a non verbal classic autism stimmy toddler to a literal, logical, brilliant, mouthy soon to be elementary school 5 year old with some big transition issues.

I started this blog as a place to find myself and to find others who were in the similar situation....it was my life line.  I was negative for a while as most parents are when they start on this road.  I made a promise to myself almost a year ago to not be a negative nelly on this blog....and because of that I made the decision that I needed to branch out Past Autism.

The Neurotypical MOM is me....its not Autism.  Autism consumed a big chunk of my life for a few years.....and now that we have fallen into the groove of this life, its time that I let me out.  The girl who makes jokes, drinks wine, loves shopping, love Robin Thicke.....she needs to make her grand-reappearance. 

So with that, the Blog will touch on everything.....Not just Autism. Here we go, Time to Evolve..... and now a video from my boy Robin #Thicke

It's Been 5 Years

"The value of having a child is not that adults produce children 

but that children produce adults."

I saw that quote on an old friends Facebook....I don't know if is a real quote, or if it's something they made up on their own.  It seemed fitting for today, the day I celebrate the 5th anniversary when someone handed me  a little baby boy and basically said...... he's yours, your responsibility, take care of him, try not to F*ck it up.......

I was 23, I was not married at the time and he was not planned.  My husband (now) and I were having a very good time just being us.  Making money, spending money, drinking, dancing just being awesome 20-somethings.  I was a child on the inside, Its obvious that my generation is staying in this child mode for a lot longer than any other generation in history, but I digress.....I was in the typical frame of mind, party party, me me have kids when I'm 30.  

I carried him the first 20 weeks like it was no big deal, not realizing the responsibility that would be thrust upon me.  I had plans to run back to work, to be the cool mom who still went out with a baby at home.  At my 20 week scan, I was put on bed rest because my cervix was short and was told about 2 soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities....shit got real.  The Irony is....... this is when I began obsessively thinking about Autism.  He was a boy, something was off, I had sonos every week.....I had worked with Autistic kids, I hoped this didn't happen to me too....what if this is going to happen to me too??

July 4th 2008 I swore I would die if i didn't go into labor.  17 hours later on July 5th 2008 my water broke in the hallway.......On July 6th 2008 at 3:02 am a nurse handed me a little baby boy who had almond eyes and was really kind of quiet, just looking at me....he reminded me of the baby Will Smith delivered in Men in Black LOL

I didn't run back to work.   I did the opposite of everything I though, I attachment parented the crap out of that kid.  I did go back to work for 8 months and then quit to be home with him again.  

He changed who I was, I say he saved my life.  Yes, he saved my life.  Truth be told I am not 100% happy with who I have become.  I did not finish college, I am only now starting down the path to having my own business.  I live in a small apartment, I am not particularly organized and I am not the best I could be when it comes to being a wife and mother, BUT I am Happy!   Before my son was born I filled a sort of void in my heart with work, haphazard spending and alcohol.  I had spend a good 5 years being in a constant state of mild depression, constantly trying to fill a spot in my soul with whatever I could find, whatever I thought would make me feel better.  I would feel better....for a short time and then it was Gone.  So 7 years ago God placed my husband in my path via Craig's List (job posting you weirdos, nothing dirty) and 5 years ago the void was filled by a 7lb 3oz little boy.  

Happy Birthday Frankie and Thank you for Saving your Mama <3

We Got Invited!

In my sons soon to be 5 years on earth, he has been invited to 5 birthday Parties.  Is it sad that I know every single one?  The first one we skipped because he was turning 2 the same weekend and we had plans.  Looking back I thought maybe that was my first parenting mistake.  Maybe if I had gone to that first party years ago I would have gotten on the Birthday train.

The second one he cried for close to an hour at, the sight of Elmo and the sound of Happy Birthday being sung sent him into a meltdown that went an hour.....I ended up in a bathroom....and everyone was looking at me.

The third we were late, transitioning was terrible, he cried in a corner.

The fourth again transitioning was terrible, he was aggressive, he was yelling and hitting and people were staring.

After all of those.....we never were invited the next year.  No one is to blame, I blame myself the most.  I personally never had kid parties for Frankie, we spent so much time in therapy and being in this Autism world, I never got him socialized with anyone.  Maybe if I was more social, less anxious about my sons behavior we could have more friends with kids, but my anxieties were too high so, socializing was last on our to do list.

Every time we have gotten a party invitation, I feel like a teenager going on their first date.  SOMEONE WANTS US TO COME?!?!  Every time I dress him nice and get everything lined up and pray for the best while my stomach is in knots.....and 4 out of 5 times we have crashed and burned.  I have sat in my car almost in tears..... its hard for me to think about.  I never want to change who he is, I understand he has different struggles, I just know he wants friends so bad, and its just so hard for him to have them.

So today.....was birthday invite number 5.  Two weeks ago I got an Avengers Themed invite in Frankie's back pack.  Please join us for ______'s Birthday.  WHAT?!?! WE got an invite to his party.....Frankie BIT THAT KID and made him bleed only 3 days before and he still wanted Frankie to come????

So today, Frankie picked out his "Rock Guitar" polo shirt, we got a gift and we made our way to party number 5.  Maybe my mind was more at ease knowing there would be other spectrum kids there, maybe my own relaxed feelings would rub off on him.

So in he ran with all his little friends to a room full of inflatable bounce things.....and a pit forms in my stomach.  You see, until I walked in I forgot that Frankie is afraid of bounce houses....or anything inflatable for that matter.  He does this odd whiny, cry, growling thing and starts wringing his hands.  I stood next to him as he watched the other kids......so up a slide he climbed and DOWN he came.  He ran over all nervous saying he didn't like it....well that lasted 3 minutes because he went and did it a million more times.

The next opportunity for him to freak out was when we had to go eat....but he went, calmly.  He didn't eat because there was no GF options and we ate before we got there (because I knew).  HE got bored and started trying to turn the lights off...then he did get a little upset we had to leave.  I let him play an arcade game which calmed him, he said by to his friends, grabbed a goodie bag and we called it a day.

That was it, it was simple, it was everything I ever hoped for.  I can only Thank his classmates mom for inviting us, even after my son took a chunk out of her sons arm.  Not just a Thank you for Frankie, but a Thank you from me, because this was the kind of pick me up I really truly needed.

Oh....and Thanks for the red Stamp lol

Full of it....

 For the last few years I have read many different blogs from all ends of the blog spectrum.  The cureers, the bio-med types, the anti vaxers, the genetics causers, etc. etc. and at the end of the day we all love our kids.

With that said, I love my son.  I love every inch of him, his crazy hair, olive skin, little cracked toe nail, beauty mark on his cheek.  I love his giggle and smile, his imagination and his affection.....but if I was to say I don't exactly Love his Autism, I feel like I will be shunned by the autism community. 

Many times I have read the whole "I would never change my child for anything" blogs and comments....all I think is you can't be serious, your so Full of It.

I've been having a crappy few days.  This week my son went to school four days....and three of those days he bit someone.  I don't love this aspect of Autism and I wish I could shout it from the roof tops with out feeling like a bad mother. 

Day in and day out us parents work our butts off to help our children and there are some of us who will see little progress and others who will be stuck at a plateau for years.  Why can't I say I'm frustrated?  Why am I not allowed to murmur that this is not how I expected parenting to be.  Why can't I say that it hurts me to see my child having a tough time. 

If you sit here and look me in the eye and say you never regretted a moment of this, that you never wish you could change one little second of your child's life with Autism....I say to you,  your full of it.
Here it is, here is my confession, I love my son but there are things I wish I could have changed:

I wish I never had to watch my son be in pain because he couldn't communicate.  I wish he didn't eat crayons because he didn't know how to ask me for food.  I wish I wasn't as hard on him, because I didn't know.   I wish he didn't have to waste his babyhood in a room going through hours of therapy.  I wish I didn't have to put my baby on a bus for full day school.  I wish my son got invited to birthday parties.  I wish my son understood biting hurt people.  I wish he understood telling me he wanted me to die hurt me......I could go on. 

Every Ounce of my being loves that little boy.  At the same time, I think its ok for us parents to admit its not all peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows.  Its ok to say sometimes Autism sucks, it sucks because it hurts my baby, but I LOVE him no matter what <3

Never.....

Trigger Warning "lol"
* Language*

Yesterday I was "in it" as I say.  I was all up in the Autism.  All up in it with the thought that hit me....This Shit is NEVER going  away.

That's a green table.  A green table my mother picked up second hand for Frankie for his room.  It was meant for him to color at, or play like a child should.  A few months after she picked up the table he was diagnosed....I said well, that will make a great area for ABA.

Brand new baby in hand I turned a room into an ABA center.  IN every IEP meeting they tell me how far he has come and I say how at 2 I thought he would never talk.... at the same time, as I turned his room in to therapy center I told myself with enough therapy he would be mainstream by kindergarten - first grade. Wrong.

People tell you how much things will change.  How once his speech is in order his behavior will regress, how when his behavior is better his processing will regress, a triangle I'm told, something will always suffer.   I didn't think it would go away, I didn't think one morning he would wake up Autism Free....that's not the case.

I know he will never be Autism Free, but yesterday it hit me.  He is going to be 5, as much as I feel I have been doing this forever, I'm STILL NEW here.  AS "typical" as I am, sometimes I can see scenarios and visions in my head.

Right now I picture myself on a dirt road.... I just tripped on my face due to all these behavioral problems and crap that have taken over my once sweet and mild mannered child.  I just look.....I look down this long never ending path full of tree roots and holes I'll probably trip in again.  I realize this shit is never going away.  I'm ok with it...its just weird to think about....too much to wrap my brain around.

Things I swore I WOULD and WOULD NOT do as a mother.....

In Honor of Mothers Day I decided to share a list of the things I thought i would and would not do as a mother.  Enjoy, laugh and have a great day!!!

1.  I will loose the baby weight IMMEDIATELY, how hard can it be??

  - How hard indeed. You gain 45lbs, birth a 7 pounder and all the fun stuff that comes along with him and loose 3 pounds...wait....WHAT?!?!?  Ok actually I lost ten pounds that day and with breastfeeding proceeded to loose 26 in two weeks.  I was ON FIRE....look at me 26 lbs in 2 weeks?!  Lets just say 18 months later when I got preggo with Lia I was still waiting to loose the remaining 20lbs lol. 

2.  I will dress cool

  -  Cool = not functional.  I want white jeans........I'm not wearing white jeans. 

3.  I will never go out in yoga pants.

  -  I own 10 pairs of Yoga pants.....

4.  I will not spend all day in my pajamas

  - Sometimes I wonder what the bus driver thinks when 7 hours after I put my son on the bus....I'm still wearing the same outfit.....and then the next morning I'm STILL wearing it....which brings me to

5.  I will not fall asleep with my clothes on

  -  That's something drunk college kids do.....I will mature and put on pajamas.  This year my new years resolution was not to loose weight or be healthy, it was to NOT fall asleep in my regular clothes.  Like all resolutions....it lasted a month.

6.  I will not be a short order cook

   -  Who wants waffles for dinner?!?  Oh you want cereal and you want chicken....here you go enjoy!

7.  I will stay manicured and groomed

  - Showering daily happens if I'm lucky.....my hair is always up because my lion mane gets tangled in babies.  Make-up goes unworn because I'm so naturally beautiful.....or in actuality because I m lucky I remember to put my glasses on, forget about Make-up.  I am now that insane looking mom I swore I would never be.

8.  I will not be a helicopter parent

  -  sounds good. sure I wont be on the playground equipment with them but I'm also not 30 feet away on a bench.  let them fall they say, its good for them to get hurt they say......well as a kid
I  knew someone who fell from playground equipment and was in a half body cast for 2 months.  So, I'm hovering near by....Sorry

9.   I will NEVER get a minivan

  

  -  Well there is Big Red.......the kids love the van....so I love the van too.  That being said...when the kids get bigger I'm getting an Explorer again, end of story.

10.  I will be involved in ALL school activities.

  -  I have never made it to ONE parents association meeting.  Never, I have tried but I always forget, or someone throwing up.  I'm angry at myself, I want to be the overly involved mom....I'm not, or at least not yet.

11.  I will still keep my circle of children less friends

  -  I still love my friends without kids more then anything, but eventually I'm too tired and emotionally old to go out till 4 am or 2 am or crap 12am.  When I get out those rare times /i feel weird because..........well to #12

12.  I will not ONLY talk about my kids

  -  I feel weird because all I know to talk about is kids and their kid things.....throw in some  Autism and I'm a social mess around people with no kids.  I walk away from those nights kicking myself for not being able to hold a simple conversation that doesn't involve kids.

13.  I will never drink box wine....

  -and with that I say cheers.  Me and my cheap wine are off to celebrate the last 3.5 hours of Mothers Day :)

Things I swore My Child Would Never Do........

Thing #208 I swore the Kids would never do:  Get Toys without earning them for good behavior....

.LOL

The other night while sharing a lovely appetizer at a local restaurant I look at my children lovingly as they were being oh so pleasant.  I then proceeded to look at my husband and say "Remember when we were younger and we made fun of those parents that brought portable DVD Players to the restaurant?  I take it all back".  I said this because across the table from us were two children, one using a coloring app on Ipad and another playing Star Wars Angry Birds on a Kindle.

My husband and I have been blessed to be the first children in our families to have children, the only cousins in our age range who have children and the only couple in our original friends groups with children.  With that being said we have heard our fair share of "I would never let my kid do....." or "When I have kids I will never......"  I laugh on the inside every time....

So here we go.... The official List of Things I SWORE my kids would never do: 

1.  My kid is never going to be a video Zombie when we go out to eat, they should just eat and behave.  Kids don't need technology, they need discipline.
  
     - BAHAHAHAHA.  If it were not for technology we could never go out to eat.  So use the Ipad kid, don't forget to take a bite of your chicken.

2.  My children will clean their plates of the food I give them, even if it takes hours.

       -  "Ok take two more bites.....ok one more bite.  Just, just , just don't ask me for food later when you are hungry"  I don't have hours to sit and wait for the child to eat.  Honestly I will just pop an extra vitamin in him tomorrow.

3.  My Children will NEVER be Rude.

     - "Hey Lady!  I NEED SOME MORE APPLE JUICE" ----said the child, loudly, while standing on a chair, when he finally decided to look up from his Ipad

4.  My kids will never watch TV, especially not before the age of 2.

        -  This morning, tears of Joy streamed down my cheeks when I heard that SPROUT was now available Cablevision....... that's as far as I have to go.  You can figure out my stance on TV now.

5.  My daughter will Never look like a Slob, shes a girl, she needs to look like one.

       - I have come to realize that her lopsided pony tale and chocolate covered face can bring equal, if not greater joy to my heart then when shes all prim and proper....why?....because she was probably doing something super fun to get into such disarray.

6.  My children will not be in diapers past 2

    -  Well, Frankie's issues are different, and the fact that he is still in diapers at 4.5 is not uncommon, but still it's there.  That being said, my typical 2.5 year old is still rocking diapers too.  I swore I would have this under control, that the diapers would be a thing of the past but.....yea the best laid plans...

7.  My kids will not eat in the car

      -  If you were to go into my mini van I'm sure you could find remnants of pirates booty in most of the crevices.  Last week on our drive to Pennsylvania the kids got hungry so in a moment of insanity I threw an entire bag of pirates booty into the back seat and said have a good time......messy!

8.  My kids will never run around peoples houses/ parties in a wild manner

     -  I've counted the laps they can do around a grand piano....and cheered them on

9.  My kids will never be the trouble maker

      - 5/2/13 "Your son bit another child AGAIN today".....Friggen brilliant, my kids the biter

10.  My kids will not sleep in my bed

      -  Out of 3 kids I have only ONE that prefers to sleep alone....and when I say alone I mean alone on the couch, NOT her b
ed.  It took 3 years go get my son in his bed all night every night and with a still nursing 9 month old in the bed, it looks like he will follow the same path.  I have THREE kids....mama needs her damn sleep...even if its with a foot in my face.



Feel Free to add some of your own in the  comments, I tend to forget things......

LOOK for a Part 2 Coming SOON!

How to not Laugh at Annoying Behavior

So....did you think this was suppose to be some sort of tutorial on how to keep your composure as your child does something wildly hysterical yet socially inappropriate?  Well its not, if anything I ask you if any of you have any tips...other then burring your face in a pillow and hoping he doesn't see.

My kids Love Ni Hao Kai-lan.  Its on for one hour a day from 11-12, which i constantly forget about so I now have to DVR it.  The other night i let them watch one show before bed and both choose Kai Lan....well until Frankie screams "no no, I wasnt Team Umizoomi instead"  The fighting between the 2 small children begins, screaming, crying etc.  To give myself some peace I tell him is has to be Kai-Lan (Lia will cry for hours, where as Frankie will be annoyed for a minute and get over it). 

Kai-Lan  theme song comes one and they are all danicing etc and my son starts doing the FUNNIEST thing I have seen to date.  So if you know the characters to Team Umizoomi you will understand

::Kai La Opening playing::

Frankie: wow Lia look its MILLI!  Holy Cow I see Bot!  I love This Team Umizoomie Episode!  Its GIO.  Team umizoomie is the best show EVER"

He went on and on pretending the show opening was really Team Umizoomi.....and my daughter SOBBED, and sobbed and cried and screamed "stop talking, its kai lan, its kai lan no no its not team umizoomie"

I burred my head in a pillow trying not to laugh.  How can one almost 5 year old big brother ALREADY know how to push his sisters buttons so well? He has trouble understanding emotions but he sure knows how to piss her off. 

My future looks crazy... LOL

Typical Shmipical

I was getting depressed for a minute.  This is a bad time of year for me, its IEP time....and this year I should have been signing my son up for Kindergarten.  So with my mind in that yucky place, the place where i go through a million pages of paper work that point out all of my sons deficiencies with a few "he's such a sweet happy boy"s thrown in.  I read another blog post about our kids having issues playing sports and how mothers of typical kids shouldn't complain because our kids can't play team sports.  Then I came upon this......

Then I almost started crying.  I already had my gears working in my head about how when Frankie is an adult I can buy this house from my mom and stepfather and then Frankie can live in the apartment that is our apartment now since he is DOOMED to never get married or be a capable adult. 

Then I snapped out of it.  I suppose this photo was made for shock value.  It was made to freak people into awareness.  I'm not a big fan of freaking people out, because I DON'T like being freaked out.

 My son CAN play team sports, he plays sports with his fellow ASD friends.  Is it as fluid and organized as typical soccer....NO....but hes gaining social skills and there is no one to giggle at him when he runs to the wrong goal.  My neighbors son who is on the spectrum is 9.....and guess what, he plays football with typical kids.  Here is a secret, I am "typical" and I am terrible at sports.  My sport was swimming.....I was on swim team , which is an isolating sport.  My event was the 500, 20 laps, 7+minutes to be alone with my thoughts.  My son could have been born typical and STILL been crappy at teams sports, just like his mama.  :)

As for the photo....Most people will not achieve their dream or traveling the world because of finances and Life not Autism.   Many typical children won't live independently because its easier to live with mom and dad not because of Autism.  Many will not serve their country because they don't believe in war not Autism.  Many will not be leaders because honestly, being a follower is easier not because of Autism.  Some men will not fall in love, get married or raise kids because they like the bachelor lifestyle (that our culture glorifies) not because of Autism. 

I could have birthed a child who was completely typical and he too could have never done any of the above.  There is no point for me to be sitting here worrying about what he wont do.  I will never be helping my son on focusing on what he may not do. 

Typical Frankie could have been great at sports, done to a D1 school for football and injured himself his first year.  He could have then decided to pursue a career in rap while living in my basement.  As his career didn't flourish and he worked at the bank near by he would have met several girls at the club and decided living the playa lifestyle was the way to go.  He would go on to make decent money at the bank but never chose management because there is too much stress and just sitting back collecting money is easier.  He would toy with the idea of buying a house and then realizes with taxes being about 10k a year and houses averaging 400k in our area he may as well stay in the one bedroom  apartment in my basement.  At 50 he will find a woman to be his old age companion but still refuses to get married.  They stay in our house because at that point we will be in our 70's and we need some help.........

Frankie with Autism got thousands of hours of therapy in his first years of life.  He had to struggle a little harder to socialize and be on par with the rest of his peers.  In HS he had a few friends and excelled in academics.  He went to college and chose a career path where he could work and excel and his job was not socially centered, more technical.  He became a leader in his field because of his intelligence, not so much social skills.  He marries a childhood friend who also has ASD, they understand each other and have similar issues.  They have children who they monitor closely (maybe choose not to vaccinate or feed Gluten too lol) and they make enough money to put me and my husband in a fancy assisted living situation and never have to move back in ;)

Neither one of these might happen, but the truth is my sons Autism won't define his life.  I can't sit here and worry about the future, I need to be here for my son today.  I don't think scaring people about Autism is the way to get our voices heard.  It was because of those shock tactics that when i realized my son had Autism I sobbed and made the assumption he would never speak (we see that didn't happen).  I'm done comparing myself to other moms and I'm done comparing my son to other kids, he is Frankie, plain and simple, he will find his way in life and I will love whatever path he takes.