Friday, September 23, 2011

A why me kinda day

Yes, I am having a why me kind of day.  Look at that kid, he is so cute, I shouldn't feel like this.  I woke up to a ticket on my car.  It the end of the month, I guess the Nassau County PD decided to drive around blocks at 1:45 am looking at inspections.  I was waiting till Monday to get the inspection because of the check engine light and having to clear that and drive it for 60 miles first.  I suppose the officer wouldn't care if I had left a note about my situation.......grrr.  Such a waste of a day, wont have the car back till Monday....husband is working till Monday......but then has to go to Westchester to deal with an issue with a prior employer.

My son came home with a note saying he was have outbursts and trying to flip chairs, and refused to eat lunch.  I knew that he would regress, he was going from 15 hours 1 on 1 to 30 hours in big groups.  I was foolish to think it wouldn't happen and that Frankie would keep excelling at the speed he was going.   So sure he would talk more.   Here I am 3 weeks into school and my son has become Echolailic again....F$*K......I'm suppose to say How are you  and he is suppose to say "I'm good" like he always has but no....he looks at me and says "how are you?" S&%T, S&%T, S&%T.........I miss him.  I feel like he gets home and I spend 3 hours with him, most of which is eating dinner and getting ready for bed. 

I would like to be more emotionally OK here at the Neurotypical Mom but things are just bad.  I have to tell myself though, its OK.  Maybe its good for me to be so raw on here, to tell you guess what, this sucks.  Autism sucks....and it stole my kid.  Even if I recover him, I'm not going to get it back.  I'm watching my daughter do things Frankie still hasn't done.....I didn't think that was possible, I know what she wants, i can read her cues, I don't feel helpless as she cries because i don't know whats wrong. 

I know things can get worse.  I will not tempt God by saying it cant get worse. 

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