I feel like I lost the last 10 months with her. I birthed her, I bonded to the best of my ability. When she was 4 months old people started coming in and out of our home 17 hours a week. They came to play with her brother and not her, they interrupted our quiet nursing moments and alone time I had hoped for. Truthfully, I knew it would be different her being the second, but I wasn't ready for how different. I just dealt with it and tried to ignore that she was growing up so fast and I was paying more attention to her brother then her. As she grew she became louder and more opinionated I will say. I could never understand why she screamed.....she just SCREAMS and complains and throws tantrums. If this is what its like at 10 months I will never live through the terrible twos and I will run away before she is a teenager.
A few weeks back though, I saw another side of this chubby little girl. My son went to grandmas over night and suddenly I was holding the sweetest baby in my arms. She played little hand games and climbed on me, she didn't cry, she didn't scream she just laughed. This is not to say she does not laugh when her brother is around, it's just different. It was me and her, connecting and laughing. I mentioned it to my husband and he didn't believe me. He thinks shes crazy (I'm serious she ALWAYS screams) . Tonight LP is at grandmas again and my husband says to me " you know, she IS a lot calmer with out him around" She let her daddy hold her (never happens) and she made cooing noises and babbled. No screaming. She went to bed and now I have been sitting here for hours with nothing to do. IS this what its like to have just a typical child?
I feel bad for her. I feel bad because I have not bonded with her the way I did with her brother. I let her cry in a crib and that's where she sleeps......my son slept with us till he was 2ish. She frustrates me, she always screams and that makes me so upset. There is nothing medically wrong, but it dawned on me that she needs/wants the attention. Imagine people came to your house 3+ hours a day and played with your sibling and not you? Your mother blocked off your pathway to your brother as to keep you safe (but you dint understand that). Imagine every 30 minutes your mom put your brother on the toilet and gave him candy and left you alone with some stupid blocks in the living room.
Today I got it. I understood. I looked her in the little baby eyes and said I would try harder. I know this will be her life, her brother will always be different and it will be something she will learn to work with. I need to make sure she knows I love her so much even when I don't show it. I am both sad and excited for LP to start school. In his 3 years on this earth I have attachment parented him and bonded with him and have formed a relationship that can not be broken (he loves his mama <3 ). I hope that this fall I can start that with her, maybe a little later than with him, but just so she knows she is special too. My special, Beautiful, Baby Diva!
Resources and Articles re: Sibling of Autistic Children:
This made me cry because I am going through the same thing right now. Your little ones are ADORABLE!:)
ReplyDeleteaww, dont cry! Its so hard, everyone tells me you treat the second child different regardless. I dont know if its true being that I am some what of an only child (my dad had my sisters when he re-married, so I only saw them 2 times a month). You can only try your best.
ReplyDeleteFunny thing the minutes I picked my son up this morning.....she started skreeching. I was thinking "REALLY?!?!?! You were quiet all night!" THank you for the compliment and good luck with your little ones too!