Sunday, July 17, 2011
Autism......and my marriage
I don't believe the statistic about 90% of Autism families end up in divorce blah blah blah, I believe those people would have ended up divorced anyway. I feel like its some inflated number to scare the crap out of people. Is it harder, yes, but does i mean I walk away from my marriage because we aren't on the same page about discipline....NO.
I might ruffle some feathers with the next thought on my mind....but that's ok. Sometimes I think we are so obsessed with the idea of Autism that we completely forget about our spouse. Do I think everything in my marriage is my fault, no, but I don't help things. Since my son got diagnosed all i do is read and do research. I talk and talk and talk about ASD to everyone. I blog, I comment, i video tape. I concentrate so much on my son, that i forget my daughter, I forget God and I forget my husband. Then all the reading makes me grumpy and I'm a huge bitch. I yell at everyone, i freak out over nothing and i slip into the stupid depression I am pre-disposed to (thanks family history).
So no, its not the Autism itself, its the parents grasping and clawing their way through it, trying to help their kids communicate, make them feel better, to calm their children's nerves......you end up loosing yourself, how can you not loose each other?
I use to be funny......I use to do funny dances and stick straws up my nose, I had fun stories, I had friends, i use to put on make up and do my hair, I sung in my car, I had a great collection of big sunglasses, I use to give a shit what my house looked like, I use to be optimistic, I use to dream,.........and stupidly I lost all that because I'm so self absorbed in a damn disorder that I cant win against. I watched my neighbor throw tens of thousands of dollars in the garbage on EVERYTHING......and her son still wont say a word......he wont look at us. She says I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky he looks at me, that he says he loves me.
Listen, I'm not saying I'm giving up, or that I'm not going to to my damn best to help my son, but I think for the sake of our marriages and our sanity some of us need to step back. I wish i was like my husband, hes so "well I had the same issues and I turned out fine, I don't know why your shoving fish oil down his throat" I got annoyed, but he had a point. I've also left him out of it all, i go about my business dealing with things, doing new things and I don't even tell my husband what I'm doing......its like I forgot he existed. Sucks, i feel like a great mother and a crappy wife. I hope I can balance this out some how