Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Emotional Breakdown take 2

I have alcoholic tendencies.  At this point in my life I don't really drink because while I'm not a full blown alcoholic, if you put it in front of me I will drink it, and then I will want another and I will finish that too and probably want another....maybe that is alcoholism?

This is the first time in my life that I have gone through something this stressful with out alcohol.  Drinking is self medication, it helps you numb the stress, the emotions.  So maybe things going on in my life are magnified because I'm just not use to it being so raw.  Most of my days are good days, but then there are days like today that are bad.  I should be happy today because my baby made pee pee on the potty 2 x today AND he said a full sentence!

I am this strong looking mom on the outside but I'm not.  I sit here most days and do nothing.  My bathroom is horrific, the wash is never put away, forget about the dishes. Since around January, I can not get myself going.  I know it will pass but I wish I knew when.  All i do is the kids, I handle the children and even then I don't do my best.  The husband ususally ends up doing mountains of dishes and taking out the garbage, he cleans the toilet and put away the clothes, I feel bad, its my job and Im not doing it.  Someone said something about late onset post pardom......who knows, I do know I got sad after having the boy so its possible.  I'm not severe, I'm not going to flip out, but I am going to cry and I am going to want to be alone.

I should count my blessings, two beautiful children, a home, food, water, clothing.....and like a said in my status......a husband who gets out of bed and starts our families day when I rather lay in bed and sleep the world away. I feel bad because I don't really share much about my feelings and people don't realize. 

I'll be better tomorrow :/


  1. I think what you need ... is some sunshine, fresh air, and a way to release the small bead of fear and uncertainty that lives within you. Exercise almost always puts things into perspective for me. It is often short lived - but then I find my center once again ... the next day - after another work out. I am an endorphin rush junkie lol. I know what you are going through. I have two sons with autism, five children total, my husband is in the Army and isn't always home. Our marriage is going through some changes - because I am. You are right to count your blessings. Don't stop doing that. Do things that make you feel pretty. I know that is over simplifying in some ways ... I just think that some of the answers to the most complicated questions/problems are themselves "simple" ... *Hugs* to you. Thank you for your honesty. It helps others to not feel so alone in their battles with these sort of feelings. : )

  2. The simple things do help! I'm just trying to keep negativity away from me because it is toxic. I had to share, i feel like a lot of people struggle alone and think that others don't get it, that there is no one like them. Recently in our area a mother killed her daughter and tried to kill herseld because her daughter was disabled and she never asked for help, or no one noticed :(

  3. NT Mom - You must know you are not alone in your struggles! We in the special-needs community know how hard it is raising a child (or in my case, two) with special needs. We all need an outlet or it does become too much. My outlets are chocolate and Pepsi, though I'm not recommending it, unless you want to go up a dress size! lol There are more constructive ways of feeling better, and blogging is definitely one of them! Always reach out, never NOT ask for help or emotional support. I run my news blog and I hear about all those stories of parents killing their children and/or themselves because they can't take it. No one helped, no one knew what was going on. Our lives are difficult, but we can handle it if we keep sharing with each other. Stay strong!!!

  4. very true Tired mom.......now that i dont really drink i am addicted to coffee and diet pepsi haha

  5. As I am drinking my 3rd glass of wine, I know what you are feeling. Exactly. It passes. And like Tired Mom says - STAY STRONG! You are not alone.

  6. ah Lisa I wish i could drink 3 and not pass out haha! kids are still up errr, need drink now :)